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The Furcation Game
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Each game fork has its own rules. Additional forks may be possible if the particular game would allow it at the time. Reunifications must be legal in all affected forks.
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Is anyone planning a move. If not, I might claim the move token, but it might not be until next week until it's finished...
UPDATE: I have planned a move...
UPDATE: move is 50% complete, after a two-hour post-work session.
Um. Make that three. Reckon it'll be done tomorrow sometime. If I get in early enough, that is.
Right, after another couple of hours this morning I think I'll have to book a fortnight's holiday when my move comes round again.

Now, as pointed out I couldn't do the theatre thing, so I decided that musical interludes all round might be a good idea. Although a much less original idea when I noted the introduction of Herr Weill into matt's last effort... and for some reason there's a bit of a teutonic feel to the following. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present:

A: A Euripidean Interlude performed by The Thomas Morley Minstrels
A finest blend of furcations 1 and 2 of the previous incarnation
Minstrels:

It is that time of the play,
Where through music we do say,
The salient parts of the plot,
Though you care not a jot!
Fa-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la, fa la la laaaa

We fear that Meediam will rebel,
When she does her father tell,
That the man who has her elated,
Is to them not even related!
Fa-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la, fa la la laaaa

Did you know about Syze' mother?
He is said to love no other!
Indeed we're told it came to pass,
That he took her up the
Fa-la-la-la, fa-la-la-la, fa la la laaaa

Bow, exeunt

B: Spanklines
The beginning of an intercourse in which new punchlines are UHUed onto old jokes
What's funny about a pair of legs?
C: A Pinterian Interlude performed by Arnold Schönberg's Merry Men
A finest blend of furcations 3 and 2 of the previous incarnation
A consort comprising piccolo, tuba, triangle and counter-tenor enter the stage. After tuning up the music begins, though it's hard to tell.

Countertenor (Twelve-tone Sprechgesang)

Der Peugeot ist nicht wilkommen hier,
Wie der Mond ist er gehasst,
Weil die Meediam nie was tut
Und ihrer Vater hat kein Mut!

Du! Langeweile! Warum jägst du mich?
Kannst du nicht seh'n ich will schlaf'?
Warum folgst du mir wie ein Fuchs?
Du wirst nie finden was du suchst.

D: Carpe Diem
The beginning of an intercourse in which foreign tongues are unravelled
Credibile est, quia ineptum est
E: An Ortonesque Interlude performed by The Cure
A finest blend of furcations 4 and 2 of the previous incarnation
Enter five middle-aged men wearing big hair and lipstick

Twelve-minute intro

Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do
Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do

"Why can't we ever be alone" she said
"Like we were last summmer?" she said
"When we walked along the lake" she said
"That's when I knew I wanted you,"
"That's when I knew I wanted you."

"Why can't we ever be alone" she said
"Like we were last winter?" she said
"When we sat in front of the fire" she said
"That's when I knew I wanted you,"
"That's when I knew I wanted you."

Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do
Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do

"But now I know it's all gone" she said
"I will never have you again" she said
"Since you left me standing in the snow" she said
"That's when I knew you'd gone for good,"
"That's when I knew you'd gone for good."

You know I want you back,
More than anything else on earth,
But if only you could be
A weasal, we would be so wonderfully...

Exit on unresolved dominant seventh

F: Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline
A finest blend of furcations 5 and 18 of the previous incarnation
Tiddles, daughter of Tigger and Fluff, after a long period fighting the Asian Flea Virus has, at the age of 9, passed away. Best known in the local Tom community as 'The one from No. 6 who lets you do it moggy-style' Tiddles was much loved for her semi-permanent occupation of the bird table at No. 12. After several years waiting for a bird to land, no-one had the heart to tell Tiddles that the presence of a large ginger mog is sufficient to scare our feathered dinners to pastures far away. Tiddles will be fondly remembered for waking up her owner at three o'clock every night for an urgent appointment at the rear cat-flap. No one will ever know why. Nevertheless she will be sorely missed and may she rest in peace.
G: A Sheridanish Interlude performed by Björk
A finest blend of furcations 6 and 2 of the previous incarnation
Short pause whilst the stage is reset to accomodate a full string orchestra, 13 harps, a Gamelan ensemble and a rack of keyboards, samplers and other technical wizardry.

I know a lovely place,
Where I can spend all day,
Listening to the sounds of my little ghetto blaster,
Reminding me of the one I have left behind.

I know a lovely place,
Where not a soul will find me,
Lest their babble break my reverie:
Thinking of the one I have left behind.

I know a lovely place,
That lies between the sky and sea,
That has never been touched by man,
Other than the one I have left behind.

I know a lovely place,
Where there sail green ships,
And the sea is made of syrup,
Reminding me of the one I have left behind.

The one who's so far away...
I love you, I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you, I love you...

H: Baker's Two
A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation
Hammersmith, reversing.
I: A break from Tenessee Williams written, arranged, performed, produced, remixed and mastered by The Artist Formerly Known as The Symbol Used To Represent The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
A finest blend of furcations 8 and 2 of the previous incarnation
The Purple One: I'm so horny, Eye no everyone wanna funk me!
The New Power Generation: He's so horny, we all just wanna funk him!
Purple: Yeah! Everyone in this funking house, get down on the floor an' funk me!
NPG: We're down on floor, we all just wanna funk U!

Several hand claps, super-funk guitar riffs and 'Oh yeah!'s later...

NPG: C'mon horny pony! Get on the mike!
Purple: U don' wanme on the mike!
NPG: C'mon horny pony! Get on the mike!
Purple: U don' wanme on the mike!

Nevertheless TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP ascends to the "mike"

Purple: Yeah I'm the funkiest funker in this town,
There ain't no woman that wear a frown.
Eye wanna funk a lady whose got real class,
And Eye wanna funk her every hour and at half past.
Eye wanna funk her on the stairs and on the pool table,
Cos that's the only way I'm go-na show...

Music slows, and the Purple one adopts a falsetto

My love for God!
Total devotion!
He's the one who guides me
He's the one who saves me
From those bad things that Spooky Electric say.
Every night, every day
He's the one right at my side

Continues 4ever

J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate
The beginning of an intercourse designed to relieve the drudgery of doing it yourself
FUNCTION THE FIRST: A holder for giants' toothbrushes
K: A Neil Bartlettian Interlude performed by Yello
A finest blend of furcations 9 and 2 of the previous incarnation
Insistent Latin-style percussion

Implausibly low voice spoken through a reverb that goes up to eleven:
The foul beast stands on the corner,
Smoking a cigarette, unaware that
the Prince is on his way. With
Latin piano, and Havana cigar.

Horns

Implausibly low voice, sans reverb:
We're gonna get the evil beast,
Or an accomplice at least.
We're gonna strike him on the head,
Until he falls down dead.

Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead!

Implausibly low voice, sans reverb:
Love! Money! Clouds! Colours!

Guitar solo (overdrive)

Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead!

Horns

Sampled radio excerpt - American female newscaster:
In New Jersey today, a defenceless foul beast is said to have been ritually slaughtered.
A man who calling himself Prince Charming the Third has been taken in for questioning...

Horns

Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead!

Music stops suddenly

Implausibly low voice: Carumba!

L: Straight face
The beginning of an intercourse in which partners' giggles are sought
Pork ... Sword
M: Let me check Fran's shoe, Bert.
A perversion of furcations 10 and 2 of the previous incarnation
Slow, sombre piano chords. Enter baritone.

Still ist es hier!
Ich habe was vergessen!
Ich glau-au-aube,
es sind meine Hafeflocken!

Ich brauche meinen Diener
Ein Mann, namens Bert
Damit wir suchen können,
und das Getreide finde'.

Wo fangen wir an?
Vielleicht hinter dem Kanapee?

Dramatische Pause

Ich weiss genau!

Noch 'ne

In dem Schuh der Frau
die mich gestern verlassen hat,
Und mich mit leerer Seele
Die wird nimmer rückkehre'...

Du hast schon den Begriff, oder?

N: Cartier Bracelet
The beginning of an intercourse into which branded products are inserted
Nicola took a brief respite from contemplating whether the ceiling needed Artexing, and started to slide her left hand inside the waistband of Steve's Calvin Klein trunks.

"I'd love to darling" panted Steve, but a quick glance at his Rolex revealed that he should have left the house several minutes ago.

"But you said..." objected Nicola, although she knew that she was perhaps a little to blame by opening a second bottle of Hardy's Stamp of Australia, as the label adhered to the vessel by the bed reminded her.

"You know that if I miss the Arriva Northern service, I'll be late for the Cadbury's meeting."

"Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't actually a front for ...

O: Oh Yes It Is the arrival of The KLF
A finest blend of furcations 11 and 2 of the previous incarnation
Offstage pipes and drums

Prince Charming: What in the bloody blazes of Cornish Dairy Milk Ice Cream is that?

Enter the KLF accompanied by full highland marching band

MU MU! MU MU!

FX: Machine guns and sampled crowd noise

MU MU! MU MU!
(as counterpoint) BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB!

Now beautiful princess we wouldn't mislay yer,
Here is the arrival of the handsome dragon slay-yer,
The Prince Charming's gonna stick a sword through yer heart,
And you Mr Dragon are gonna fall a-part!

(MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo!

MU MU! MU MU!
(as counterpoint) BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB!

Though the dragon here is the spawn of evil,
And Charm's gonna stamp you out like a weevil,
But darling Prince you ain't won yet,
'Cos to have the Princess you need to win our bet!

(MC) To the bridge, to the bridge, to the bridge, yo!

Whilst Prince Charming runs to the bridge (I know) to slay the dragon, the band breaks into a rendition of Sheep May Safely Graze for no reason that anyone can think of.

(MC) Bring the beat back!

BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB!

So Charming Prince if you want yer lady,
You're gonna have rap like Mr Slim Shady,
If you keep it up for fifteen stanzas,
You will find that points make prizes

(MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo!

MU MU! MU MU!
(as counterpoint) BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB!

Repeat to fade

P: Stap me vitals! It's Vanilla Mornington Crescent
The beginning of a contest whose rules can be purchased from all good bookstores
Opening at Moorgate, home at Leicester Square.
Q: Tasteless Butler Did It
A disturbing alliance of elements taken from furcations 12 and 16 of the previous incarnation
Irrevérsible - arse the up
R: Bollocks!
The beginning of an intercourse in which participants strive to be noisier than the last
Bollocks
S: 10,000 Reverse Comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob
A finest blend of furcations 13 and 20 of the previous incarnation
[Blob] 9,993 I've got an important guest coming to dinner tonight, and I thought it might be appropriate to have some fluffy decorations about the place. Do you think your daughter, a bag of cotton wool and some glitter glue suitably combined might help sort me out?
T: Stupid Questions
The beginning of an intercourse in which asking for the rules would be a valid manouevre
What is an occasional table the rest of the time?
U: I, Douglas Smith, Will Be Playing...
A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation -- well, you try doing something else with it
It's the ACME once-a-day automatic trifle dispenser.
V: The Jet Set Willy Game
The beginning of an intercourse which revisits the warped creation of a Mr Matthew Smith
The Nightmare Room, denying Quirkafleeg
W: Small Earthquakers
The ill-advised combination of furcations 15 and 19 of the previous incarnation
POPE NOT
QUALIFIED CATHOLIC
X: Dull Nonindigenous Sound Charades
The inevitable marriage of the remains of furcations 16 and 17 of the previous incarnation
What I said last time pretty much stands, so I shall provide a little light relief as matt and Martha sort things out between themselves.

Multimedia parody - four words

  • Herr Horner *knocks on large wooden door* Herr Wagner, are you at home?
  • Herr Wagner Go avay! I'm trying to think of exciting new idea for opera.
  • Herr Horner But I have ze musical instrument you asked for.
  • Herr Wagner Very vell - come in.
Horner enters, brandishing the kind of instrument that Professor Branestorm might design to supercede a bagpipe. Not relevant to the clue, but I thought you'd appreciate a teensy bit of colour in this dull nonindigenous sound charade.
  • Herr Horner Tell me Herr Wagner, vy do you need zis big sack zat generates such a cacophony?
  • Herr Wagner Vell you see I am writing zis veerrry long opera.
  • Herr Horner Ja, ja. Ze public is falling asleep in its armchair waiting for ze next installment.
  • Herr Wagner Sitting on ze edge of ze seat, surely?
  • Herr Horner Nein...
  • Herr Wagner Ze trouble is. Is veerrry difficult for me to sit down every day, trying to write zis music. I need more inspiration as otherwise I think the plot vill be very uninteresting.
  • Herr Horner And how will ziss sack help with your inspiration?
  • Herr Wagner Vell, my old doorbell is no inspiration - always the same dull sound, every time. And if doorbell makes dull sound, I write dull opera.
  • Herr Horner Na, und?
  • Herr Wagner If you vould be so kind as to vire up that bagpipe to za doorbell I will write better opera as I will no longer be...
Y: Dee Twinty-Sivin in the Big Bruther Hoose
The beginning of an intercourse which parodies the only spectator sport more slow-moving than this one
Dee twinty-sivin, and the hoosemeets huv been sittin in the garden for siventyfoor ooahs
  • Nush: Brilliant this, innit?
  • Cameron: That it is, aye! Wild!
  • Scott: It's like, real cool here. Yeah.
  • Ray: F**king like f**king never been anywhere so f**king - you know like?
  • All except Steff: Yeah!
  • Steff: *looks worredly around, as though her next utterance might upset the apple-cart* Nice place this, isn't it? I think the chickens are a nice touch.
  • Cameron: Wild! But you knooow one thing that's borthering me? (drops voice) It's that new girl like - too much of a slap on you know. Dorn't like that on a lassie.
  • Nush: Yeah! And you know she's like here. And then she's there and like all over everywhere. *giggles* That can be really annoying.
  • All except Steff: Yeah!
  • Steff: *looks worredly around, as though her next movement might upset the apple-cart, and eventually decides to nod gently before leaving for the diary room*
Z: Just a Minim
A continution of furcation 21 of the previous incarnation
London's burning! The smoke's smoking!
Fire! Flames! Blaze! Conflagration!
Fetch the engines! Call the tenders!
Pour on water! Dowse with liquid!

Capital's enkindled! City's searing!
Pyre! Inferno! Flare! Scintillation!
Bring the appliances! Get the Green Godesses!
Soak with wet stuff! Drown with fluid!

*deep breath*

The conurbation that lies on the Thames is engulfed in bright flashy things!
The metropolis which houses the British government and monarchy is suffering from a bit of a "who forgot to turn off their bloody oven" scenario!
Combustion! Incandescence! Luminosity! Rapid oxidation!
Get those large red trucks with the flashing blue lights, camp sirens and long tubular white foam-spurting penis extensions!
Swoon at the tall, fit strong men in uniforms as they unreel the same and squirt it at the source of the problem!
Dispense of the charring hazard with a suffocating substance! Drench with dihydrogen oxide!

*collapses*

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