| A: The chassis of a Euripidean drama crudely welded to the back end of Just A Minim From previous furcations 1 & 26 | ||||||||
| Lutenist: Sirrah, the hour of birthday bash is now Wouldst thou like to hear a cheery song, perchance? Here be a song to sooth thy worried brow So come and with our weasel comp'ny dance! space(strums and sings) Look for the bare necessities The simple stripped-down vitals Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the plain essentials Are Mother Nature's recipes That bring the basic requirements of life Seek out the essential needs The uncomplicated minimum obligations Think not of your anxieties and apprehension I'm trying to convey the unembellished fundamentals That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the straightforward musts of being Now when you pick a pawpaw Or a prickly pear And you prick a raw paw Well, next time, beware Don't pick the spiky apple-like edible By the palm area At the time you pluck out an elongated green fruit Try to use the claw But you don't need to utilise the talon When you harvest a pair of the big tropical delicacy mentioned in the first line of this verse Search after the ursine things you can't live without The unadorned grizzly's indispensables Cast from your mind thine trials and tribulations I am implying the merest crucial things Which is why a teddy could rest at leisure Using merely Pooh's imperative concepts of this mortal coil Getting by only on Paddington's important ideologies of living! space(collapses) space(dancers continue as King Syze goes over to Lutenist) King Syze: You know of bears and weasels, it is plain My trouble's with sardines; could you explain? Lutenist: Dunno, ask Graziela. (keels over again) King Syze: Were that the name of Graziel' I hear? And that then would confirm my greatest fear? My swornèd enemy is truly here? space(dancers stop. Graziela steps forward) | ||||||||
| B: The bare necessities of a game of Spanklines From previous furcation 2 | ||||||||
| Don't shout, or everyone'll want one. How do you start a teddy bear race? | ||||||||
| C: Dee Twenty-Sivin as the fly trapped in a Pinterian Drama From previous furcations 3 & 25 | ||||||||
| Friday: I'm well travelled now. Been in that house full of BB-bastards, and that box with the log in it, and now I'm in this big Medieval thing. Funny, the bastards here speak just like the first band of bastards. Like, today, this happened: Graziela: Ah, there he is! King Syze: Who? And who're you? Graziela: (ignoring him) My pet bear. How he got under a cabinet here I dunno. Peugeot: A bear!? Bloody hell! King Syze: Ah piss, the great hairy bugger's coming out from under the cabinet! And when the log with the shiny top on it said that, this great hairy groaning thing, like the logs but much bigger, suddenly jumped up. It chased all the logs around the room! F*ck me it was funny. space(buzzes off as scene ends)
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| D: Carpe Diem, bartender, and hold the bears From previous furcation 4 | ||||||||
| With enough money, any tonker can become a domineering politican. Falls Sie Schmuck tragen, sollten Sie diesen während der Fahrt verdecken. | ||||||||
| E: Joe Orton's take on a classical drama. Enter the tasteless butler... From previous furcations 5 & 17 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Three Another room in Castle Drogo, the next morning. (enter the tasteless butler, in conversation with Azulejo) Ozzy Osbourne (for it is he) : Look, mate, I saw it through a hole in the f___in wall! The f___in lute fella gave Francoise a proper f___in f___in. He put one of his hands in her f___in- Azulejo: Whoa, steady on! Ozzy Osbourne: Well f___ me, I though you'd be f___in interested! I mean, this actually f___in happened, not like that lilac fire-breathing f___in grizzly bear I saw running round the place last Thursday. (enter Graziela) Graziela: Azulejo! Get away from that tasteless butler! Come hither, we have plots to scheme and schemes to plot. (exit Azulejo and Graziela) Ozzy Osbourne: Well, I know when I'm not f___in wanted. space(turns, flinches) F___ me! It's that f___in bear again! space(exit, chased by thin air) | ||||||||
| F: Late Review nostalgically looks back on what a late cat thought of 10,000 reverse comments pen wouldn't make to Blob From previous furcations 6 & 19 | ||||||||
| Mark Lawson: Tonight on Late Review, we nostaligcally look back on what a late cat though of 10,000 reverse comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob. Tom Paulin, your view? Tom Paulin: Well, Mark, frankly I totally agreed with Tiddles' thoughts on this one. I have no criticisms to make at all, in fact. Mark Lawson: How do you defend such a non-controversial stand-point? Tom Paulin: Well, you did just wake me up. Mark Lawson: O, K, then, Germaine Greer? Germaine Greer: Weell I find this all just impossible to believe! The idea that this character penelope (she pronounces it to rhyme with 'antelope') would never say these things to Blob is negated by the fact that these statements have been aired where penelope can clearly read them, and so she is far more likely to say them! And frankly the whole business of reversals and the ridiculous cat motif just make it even less credible! (pause) Mark Lawson: So- Germaine Greer: (interrupting) Frankly it all just reeks of the male chauvinism so typical of today's society! (pause) Mark Lawson: So? Germaine Greer: No, I've finished now. Do your bit. Mark Lawson: Don't boss me about, I'm the presenter! Pedro, get her! (exit Germaine Greer, chased by a bear) Mark Lawson: No-one messes with Mark "The Hard Man" Lawson. (credits roll) | ||||||||
| G: The noble sound charades of Sheridan From previous furcations 7 & 24 | ||||||||
| (three hours later) Peugeot: (yawns) Lady Thick: A Miriam (sic.) of confounditudes upon your tardy servants! Zounds, a pair of hours ago did I expectorate them. King Syze: Peugeot, fool, will you not disport ourselves with some diverse divertion? Peugeot: My liege, picture in your imaginings a noble knight, who upon his shield bears the legend 'Film: 2 words' King Syze: (to Lady Thick) My lady you shall find this ostracizes your ennui. 'Tis my favourite game of 'Sound Charades'. Peugeot: Now imagine a couple, promenading. Their names are Alpheus and Serena. Now see Alpheus' friend Benedict as he comes over to them. They speak as follows: Benedict: Ah, so this is the lady who ensnared you in marriage, Alf? This is 'her'? Alpheus: Ah, yes. Let me introduce you: 'her', Ben ... (pauses) Lady Thick: Yes, yes, continue... Peugeot: Nay, now you should know the answer. (awkward silence; enter a bedraggled Boleti, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| H: Baker's Two From previous furcation 8 - though as a late starter, this move is forced, and even an unintelligent stuffed bear would know what's coming next move now... | ||||||||
| Hammersmith, buggeration. | ||||||||
| I: Tennessee "Bollocks!" Williams From previous furcations 9 & 18 | ||||||||
| Graziela: Look what you gone done now, missy. Belle: Bollocks! I ain't done nothin'! Anyhow, he's mine faw the doin'! Graziela: Bollocks! He's mine! Belle: Bollocks! He's mine! Graziela: Bollocks! Belle: Bollocks! space(they continue shouting 'Bollocks!' louder and louder, until:) space(enter Azulejo) Azulejo: BOLLOCKS! (silences women) Graziela, ma'am - bayd noos. Prince Charming darn well ran into a grizzly bear, an' well, an' - it made faw him an' tore off his... All: ... Bollocks? Azulejo: You could say that. | ||||||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate From previous furcation 10 | ||||||||
| FUNCTION THE THIRD: Bear trap. Disguised as a picnic basket (to attract the bears, obviously), wait in the middle of Yellowstone Park until one comes along. As it does, close the 2 halves of the Workmate as it puts its foot between them, thus trapping it. For best effects, use in conjunction with Black and Decker Deluxe Plus toolkit - the secret website address on the underside of the lid gives details of how all the tools (even including gruesome uses for the Allen keys) double up as bear-torturing devices! | ||||||||
| K: The playwrightship of Molière (Celebrity Commentary c/o Neil Bartlett) From previous furcations 11 & 27 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Four Princess Meediam sits alone in Castle de Plitploth, reading aloud from OK! magazine or somesuch. Meediam: "Prince Charming, bro of Meediam," (that's me) "Has been released from police custody Though for murdering Bette he was locked in jail It seems his manservant has stumped up bail Nigel Boleti, valet, 32 Was not available for interview The rumours say he's gone the way of Bette That Charming is a double murd'rer, yet This would seem unlikely, had he not been banned From his own castle, and thus fled the land Where he was born. Apparently he were Seen riding o'er the borders on a bear." Oh, brother, it would be dramatic if You came back here, though banished, for a tiff. space(enter Prince Charming and Boleti) Well, whaddaya know! | ||||||||
| L: Straight face From previous furcation 12 | ||||||||
| Bear ... Arsed | ||||||||
| M: What is the true meaning of the Let Me Chekhov My Oats Interface? From previous furcations 13 & 20 | ||||||||
| Graziela: (to the mysterious stranger, Bert)Are you Bert? Bert: I don't know. Are you Bert? All: Nope. Bert: Then by process of elimination, I am Bert. Similarly, I fancy a steaming bowl of porridge. space(exit Boleti, to get porridge) Azulejo: Why are you wearing one shoe? Bert: Why are you wearing two? Azulejo: To warm my feet! Bert: Why, that's the reason I wear mine! Graziela: Why have you one foot uncovered? Bert: So as not to trample oats. If an oat burns in a field where no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? space(enter Boleti) Boleti: My lords and ladies, through the kitchen window I saw every last field of oats aflame! Bert: Were a bear to run through a flaming field of oats fast enough, could it remain unsinged? Gadzooks! What is that? space(exit Bert, chased by a bear) Boleti: Would porridge extinguish a flaming field of oats? Prince Charming: It is our last hope... | ||||||||
| N: MC, Vanilla From previous furcation 16 | ||||||||
| Home at Goodge Street, of course, but after that farkle, I'll avoid a Great Bear Shift and play Chalfont & Latimer | ||||||||
| O: The eternal panto season we know as 'Oh Yes It Is!' continues - featuring Douglas Smith wearing a Cartier bracelet From previous furcations 14 & 15 & 21 | ||||||||
| Douglas Smith: I, Douglas Smith, dressed up in 'comedy damsel' style, with pink Prada party frock and blonde wig carelessly bodged together from a B&Q mop. I stride forward confidently in my bright pink Hush Puppies (stride, stride, stride), my Slazenger tennis ball breasts humorously bobbing up and down (yoingg, yoingg, boungg). Prince Charming: New balls please? I couldn't lever a joke in here even with a Black and Decker Workmate attachment. Douglas Smith: I deliver, by UPS, my line: 'Save me, for I have run out of Wrigley's Orbit chewing gum! I long for its seven spearmint strips with xylitol for healthier teeth! Help. Someone help! Then I laugh coquettishly, proving I am as thick as a Tesco's Strawberry milkshake: tee hee, tee hee, ho. Ha. Prince Charming: I've heard more convincing laughs from this audience tonight! Hang on! (raises hand over eyes) If I'd had my Oakley's on I would've seen it sooner! A shape on the horizon! Douglas Smith: My, it is a funny shape! Titter! space(enter angry bear, stage left. It snarls at Douglas Smith) Douglas Smith: Eek. Eek, aargh. Help. space(exit Douglas Smith, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| P: Seen any good films recently? The fag ends of previous furcation 17 | ||||||||
| Bought The Matrix: Reloaded on DVD yesterday. Haven't watched it yet, but it seemed pretty darn good when I saw it at the cinema in May. | ||||||||
| Q: Jet Set Willy From previous furcation 22 | ||||||||
| Erm... I can | ||||||||
| R: Small HYPEarthquakes From previous furcation 23 | ||||||||
|