| i Euripedes | King Syze: What cause have I to think of suitors? Do you not know of the dreadful curse That binds each one of us into a terrible Cycle of cruelty and death? My great-great-grandfather, Exter-Lahj be his name, Once insulted the god Apollo, him who pulls the sun Each day across the sky. He thumbed his nose And sacrificed a space-hopper in lieu of a sheep Since that time all has come to naught No crops can be brought to fruition in our earth Nor can the ground be broken with our plowshares Which means I shall have to prove my loyalty to Zeus By amending my great-great-grandfather's foolishness And sacrificing you this afternoon, my child. | ||||||||
| ii Brecht | Enter Angord, a courtier Angord: My lord, the peasants are rising in the bailey. They are threatening to burn down this castle and kill everyone in it, including us. | ||||||||
| iii Pinter | King Syze: Who's Bob the Dog? Peugeot: Er. King Syze: You must be pissed. Peugeot: Bastard. Meediam: 'Ere, whoss your game 'en? Peugeot: ... King Syze: I've seen an advertisement in the paper. Meediam: Yeah, whoss it say? King Syze: Dunno, I can't read. Peugeot: No-one cares about me. I'm going outside. [Exit] King Syze: Where's that geezer got to then? Meediam: Dunno. | ||||||||
| iv Feydeau | King Syze: Or as my wife Sue Per-Syze doth crave for sleepless nights, maybe. You know, I'm sure she's two-timing me behind my back, and if I could only catch her at it... Enter Francoise, the maid Francoise: Your Majesty! There's a witch at the door outside, with a lutenist and 2 courtiers! Quick, we'll have to hide you! Enter Graziela, Lutenist, Boleti and Azulejo Boleti: Wahey, baby! | ||||||||
| v Alan Bennett | Princess Meediam: I used to dream of Custard Creams thirty year ago, back when they were rationing 'em, aye, we used to get t' biscuit coupons off of the old man in number 32. Or it could've been number 30. Any road, our mam always said, don't go nicking Custard Cream coupons, it's common and it's what the poor boys do. Well I were right chuffed to bits I were when this old man Charlie his name wor, he says "Ayup" and I says to him "'Ow 'bout them coupons then?" and 'e takes out his great butcher's knife and skims it across... no that's a different story that is, well I didn't know where to look when he got out his vouchers and ooh I felt like a proper one-day millionaire I did, that's what they used to call us down at the ol' rubbish dump where they was scouring around for mothballs. Peugeot, King Syze: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz | ||||||||
| vi Sheridan | King Syze: Pray, dearest daughter, list awhile to my list, ha ha. Suitable suitors abound in this fair licentious city. We have Sir James Ugly, Lord Ripoff, Mr Samuel Thickasaplank, Captain Bragalot, his nephew Joshua Boringarse, the Fractious brothers, Viscount Fatso, the Duke of Nasty, Mr and Mrs Smalldong's son Ivor, Colonel Shit, Baron Nobrain and Ebenezer Fascist-Dictator. Meediam: Oh no, father, I want somebody young and extravagant, someone like poor John Lovelie. I have lately detected him in frequent conference with your steward Azulejo, whom I recently approached in the aspiration of arrangement of a meeting. It is my belief that when he returns, he shall bring that sweet-tempered gay young libertine in tow, whence I shall spirit him away to my boudoir. Peugeot: gasps | ||||||||
| vii Two Words | Good move | ||||||||
| viii Tennessee Williams | Graziela: That's right, missy. Pregnancy ain't good, and Ah should know, boy Ah remember at the summer ball when the nice-looking woodcutter from Georgia was a-comin' round with his little blond moustache and his big silver watch and he said "Lady, I wanna take you back home for some good old-fashioned... Azulejo: Hey, hey, hold your horses lady. Boleti: We were talking about the sharpest tool in the box. Graziela: Boy howdy, that sure brings back some memories... Prince Charming: Maybe when we get there we can sting your father for a massive dowry as well. Graziela: Ooh yays, jest lak' in tha old days. [Exeunt] | ||||||||
| ix Molière (trans. Neil Bartlett 1988) | Prince Charming: Good lord! is it I who's the one to be accused Of stupidity, and be by my courtiers abused? You all seem to forget I'm from a different rank from you. I'm wondering how I could possibly sink so low. Nevertheless, I'll have you all up in court Except you, Graziela, whom I'm going to court. [Aside] It doesn't look like anyone's realised That I'm just a fake Prince Charming, though idealised! I changed my name by deed poll a while ago Just for the sake of going to the Royal Show! I didn't know I could get in without much hassle By scaling the outer wall at Windsor Castle! And as soon as Graziela takes me for her own, I'll get the King to abdicate the Crown! [Not aside] Come on! I've had my little bit of bragging, So now let's go and slay this terrible dragon! | ||||||||
| x Chekhov | Prince Charming: We are all tools within life's eternal construction. Boleti: As the stars whirl and blaze about us, so we light our own paths before us Azulejo: Until the Eternal Matter transforms us into stones, water and clouds and our souls merge into the pale spirits of the dark Graziela:I can't agree with you at all there. However, it's a matter of taste. De gustibus aut bene, aut nihil. | ||||||||
| xi Oh Yes It Is! | Scene 2. Dragon's cavern. Bones on floor, torches on walls. Dragon wakes up. Dragon: YAWN! [smoke billows from nostrils]. Oof, I'm too young to smoke. | ||||||||
| xii Butler Did It | Anger Management - Money wasted *fume* | ||||||||
| xiii Fork Charm 48 | Millions Wood [rab, matt] How come Blob gets all the comments and no-one even notices I exist?? | ||||||||
| xiv Douglas Smith | Matthew Hopkins' ducking stool breaks, 5 women go in, only 2 are witches? | ||||||||
| xv Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Proj] Dammit, you know my Korean's rusty. Can you translate it please? (PS. the move, worthy of the mighty Gazuga himself, brings a lone tear to my eye as 'twere a glistening raindrop on the pinnacle of human endeavour) | ||||||||
| xvi Baker Street | Covent Garden, home at Baker Street. Has that been done before? | ||||||||
| xvii Small Earthquake | POPE | ||||||||
| xviii Dull anecdotes | That's interesting, because when I went to the Post Office to get my provisional driving licence all those years ago, there was a man standing in front of me wearing a big, thick overcoat and a shifty expression, and I was absolutely 100% sure that as soon as he got to the front, he'd press a button in his pocket and the kilos of semtex under his coat would blow us all to the moon! Well naturally I didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear rude, but as I watched, he slowly undid each button on his coat, as if he was geting hot, which of course he would be, and it was the that I realised... he was just really fat! | ||||||||
| xix Sound Charades | [matt] I didn't post another one as I didn't think I was right with Signs. This one must be based on some fashion house or other... The French Connection? This Is Spinal Gap? Citizen Karan? Shopping and FCUKing? Alexander McQ? Monsoon Wedding? | ||||||||
| xx Inside the mind of a cat | Ooooh! A new garden! Thank goodness I had that liver & onions cat food this morning, I must mark my territory in the most invisible way possible. Nnnnnnn! Phew, eat less fibre in future. And scrape a token bit of grass over it, what a master of disguise I am. | ||||||||
| xxi Limacres |
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| xxii Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | Annie the miniature porcelain Ant. "Collect the entire anthill!" Just £5.99 each. And don't forget the bonus trading card game. | ||||||||
| xxiii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,995 copies of "The Trainspotting Tour of Edinburgh" | ||||||||
| xxiv Just a Minim | I just can't get you out of my head Boy your loving is all I think about My cranium cannot expel you Lad, it's more than I dare to think of La li luh, lo lor lay lee lu, I certainly don't have the ability to extract thou from my skull, Every night, each day, only to be in that place in thine arms | ||||||||
| xxv Nostalgia for Last Week | That moment when Jon and Federico came out of the house within an hour of each other, it was almost impossible to believe that the two housemates who'd been most heavily backed at the start of the series could leave just halfway through. I mean, nothing had happened like that since, I dunno, Sissy left, who I'd had my hopes on getting to Week 9! It was a life-changing moment, a real landmark of televisual history, and anyone who missed it will be kicking themselves in 30 years' time. Mark my words. | ||||||||
| xxvi Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently? | China Red is well worth a look in, except for their penchant for discounted shark-fin soup. Did you know the fishermen hack off the sharks' fins while still alive and then chuck them back into the sea to drown? I mean, if they used their boats to start a shark sightseeing tour industry, they'd make 100 times as much money from the same animals. Which is why I never go to China Red. So the answer is no. | ||||||||
| xxvii Tasting Notes | A nice woody bottom to this Chateau Briand '72, which means it's undoubtedly aged in an old oak cask for 30 years. One that was previously used for storing antifreeze, I think, and Duckham's Hypergrade, the '58 mixture IIRC. It was then tarred on the outside with a coarse badger-hair paintbrush, remnants of which remain in the wine to this day. There's also a more recent hint of Castella Classic, Tixylix and berry pomeroy saliva. I give it 87% and a star for effort. | ||||||||
| xxviii Let Me Check My Oats | My oats have dwindled in number to 25,872, a difference of 30% on last week. This may be owing to the huge number of rats that infested my barn two weeks ago, after an explosion at the uranium factory nearby contaminated their previous living quarters and food supply. Fortunately they're now dropping like flies, so that's good. Now I'm off for more porridge. |
Over to you, matt.