Now, as pointed out I couldn't do the theatre thing, so I decided that musical interludes all round might be a good idea. Although a much less original idea when I noted the introduction of Herr Weill into matt's last effort... and for some reason there's a bit of a teutonic feel to the following. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present:
| A: A Euripidean Interlude performed by The Thomas Morley Minstrels A finest blend of furcations 1 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Minstrels: It is that time of the play, We fear that Meediam will rebel,
Did you know about Syze' mother? Bow, exeunt | ||||
| B: Spanklines The beginning of an intercourse in which new punchlines are UHUed onto old jokes | ||||
| What's funny about a pair of legs? | ||||
| C: A Pinterian Interlude performed by Arnold Schönberg's Merry Men A finest blend of furcations 3 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| A consort comprising piccolo, tuba, triangle and counter-tenor enter the stage. After tuning up the music begins, though it's hard to tell. Countertenor (Twelve-tone Sprechgesang) Der Peugeot ist nicht wilkommen hier, Du! Langeweile! Warum jägst du mich?
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| D: Carpe Diem The beginning of an intercourse in which foreign tongues are unravelled | ||||
| Credibile est, quia ineptum est | ||||
| E: An Ortonesque Interlude performed by The Cure A finest blend of furcations 4 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Enter five middle-aged men wearing big hair and lipstick Twelve-minute intro Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do "Why can't we ever be alone" she said "Why can't we ever be alone" she said Do-do do-do do-do di-do-do "But now I know it's all gone" she said You know I want you back, Exit on unresolved dominant seventh | ||||
| F: Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline A finest blend of furcations 5 and 18 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Tiddles, daughter of Tigger and Fluff, after a long period fighting the Asian Flea Virus has, at the age of 9, passed away. Best known in the local Tom community as 'The one from No. 6 who lets you do it moggy-style' Tiddles was much loved for her semi-permanent occupation of the bird table at No. 12. After several years waiting for a bird to land, no-one had the heart to tell Tiddles that the presence of a large ginger mog is sufficient to scare our feathered dinners to pastures far away. Tiddles will be fondly remembered for waking up her owner at three o'clock every night for an urgent appointment at the rear cat-flap. No one will ever know why. Nevertheless she will be sorely missed and may she rest in peace. | ||||
| G: A Sheridanish Interlude performed by Björk A finest blend of furcations 6 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Short pause whilst the stage is reset to accomodate a full string orchestra, 13 harps, a Gamelan ensemble and a rack of keyboards, samplers and other technical wizardry. I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, I know a lovely place, The one who's so far away... | ||||
| H: Baker's Two A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Hammersmith, reversing. | ||||
| I: A break from Tenessee Williams written, arranged, performed, produced, remixed and mastered by The Artist Formerly Known as The Symbol Used To Represent The Artist Formerly Known as Prince A finest blend of furcations 8 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| The Purple One: I'm so horny, Eye no everyone wanna funk me! The New Power Generation: He's so horny, we all just wanna funk him! Purple: Yeah! Everyone in this funking house, get down on the floor an' funk me! NPG: We're down on floor, we all just wanna funk U! Several hand claps, super-funk guitar riffs and 'Oh yeah!'s later... NPG: C'mon horny pony! Get on the mike! Nevertheless TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP ascends to the "mike" Purple: Yeah I'm the funkiest funker in this town, Music slows, and the Purple one adopts a falsetto My love for God! Continues 4ever | ||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate The beginning of an intercourse designed to relieve the drudgery of doing it yourself | ||||
| FUNCTION THE FIRST: A holder for giants' toothbrushes | ||||
| K: A Neil Bartlettian Interlude performed by Yello A finest blend of furcations 9 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Insistent Latin-style percussion Implausibly low voice spoken through a reverb that goes up to eleven: Horns Implausibly low voice, sans reverb: Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Implausibly low voice, sans reverb: Guitar solo (overdrive) Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Horns Sampled radio excerpt - American female newscaster: Horns Female vox sample: D...d...d...d...d...d... dragon's dead! Dead! Music stops suddenly Implausibly low voice: Carumba! | ||||
| L: Straight face The beginning of an intercourse in which partners' giggles are sought | ||||
| Pork ... Sword | ||||
| M: Let me check Fran's shoe, Bert. A perversion of furcations 10 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Slow, sombre piano chords. Enter baritone. Still ist es hier! Ich brauche meinen Diener Wo fangen wir an? Dramatische Pause Ich weiss genau! Noch 'ne In dem Schuh der Frau Du hast schon den Begriff, oder? | ||||
| N: Cartier Bracelet The beginning of an intercourse into which branded products are inserted | ||||
| Nicola took a brief respite from contemplating whether the ceiling needed Artexing, and started to slide her left hand inside the waistband of Steve's Calvin Klein trunks. "I'd love to darling" panted Steve, but a quick glance at his Rolex revealed that he should have left the house several minutes ago. "But you said..." objected Nicola, although she knew that she was perhaps a little to blame by opening a second bottle of Hardy's Stamp of Australia, as the label adhered to the vessel by the bed reminded her. "You know that if I miss the Arriva Northern service, I'll be late for the Cadbury's meeting." "Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if that isn't actually a front for ... | ||||
| O: Oh Yes It Is the arrival of The KLF A finest blend of furcations 11 and 2 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Offstage pipes and drums Prince Charming: What in the bloody blazes of Cornish Dairy Milk Ice Cream is that? Enter the KLF accompanied by full highland marching band MU MU! MU MU! FX: Machine guns and sampled crowd noise MU MU! MU MU! Now beautiful princess we wouldn't mislay yer, (MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo! MU MU! MU MU! Though the dragon here is the spawn of evil, (MC) To the bridge, to the bridge, to the bridge, yo! Whilst Prince Charming runs to the bridge (I know) to slay the dragon, the band breaks into a rendition of Sheep May Safely Graze for no reason that anyone can think of. (MC) Bring the beat back! BE-ELZ-E-BUB! BE-ELZ-E-BUB! So Charming Prince if you want yer lady, (MC) To the chorus, to the chorus, to the chorus, yo! MU MU! MU MU! Repeat to fade | ||||
| P: Stap me vitals! It's Vanilla Mornington Crescent The beginning of a contest whose rules can be purchased from all good bookstores | ||||
| Opening at Moorgate, home at Leicester Square. | ||||
| Q: Tasteless Butler Did It A disturbing alliance of elements taken from furcations 12 and 16 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| Irrevérsible - arse the up | ||||
| R: Bollocks! The beginning of an intercourse in which participants strive to be noisier than the last | ||||
| Bollocks | ||||
| S: 10,000 Reverse Comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob A finest blend of furcations 13 and 20 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| [Blob] 9,993 I've got an important guest coming to dinner tonight, and I thought it might be appropriate to have some fluffy decorations about the place. Do you think your daughter, a bag of cotton wool and some glitter glue suitably combined might help sort me out? | ||||
| T: Stupid Questions The beginning of an intercourse in which asking for the rules would be a valid manouevre | ||||
| What is an occasional table the rest of the time? | ||||
| U: I, Douglas Smith, Will Be Playing... A continuation of furcation 7 of the previous incarnation -- well, you try doing something else with it | ||||
| It's the ACME once-a-day automatic trifle dispenser. | ||||
| V: The Jet Set Willy Game The beginning of an intercourse which revisits the warped creation of a Mr Matthew Smith | ||||
| The Nightmare Room, denying Quirkafleeg | ||||
| W: Small Earthquakers The ill-advised combination of furcations 15 and 19 of the previous incarnation | ||||
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| X: Dull Nonindigenous Sound Charades The inevitable marriage of the remains of furcations 16 and 17 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| What I said last time pretty much stands, so I shall provide a little light relief as matt and Martha sort things out between themselves. Multimedia parody - four words
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| Y: Dee Twinty-Sivin in the Big Bruther Hoose The beginning of an intercourse which parodies the only spectator sport more slow-moving than this one | ||||
Dee twinty-sivin, and the hoosemeets huv been sittin in the garden for siventyfoor ooahs
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| Z: Just a Minim A continution of furcation 21 of the previous incarnation | ||||
| London's burning! The smoke's smoking! Fire! Flames! Blaze! Conflagration! Fetch the engines! Call the tenders! Pour on water! Dowse with liquid! Capital's enkindled! City's searing! *deep breath* The conurbation that lies on the Thames is engulfed in bright flashy things! *collapses* | ||||