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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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I was contracted to appear as one of the lambs in The Silence of the Lambs, but I got myself fired for making impassioned out-of-character speeches and singing old Goodies hits.
I'm sorry that I made such a hash of running the universe today.
I'm not.
I spend most weekends dressed as a forlorn tikka cheese and chutney sandwich at the back of the fridge in the local Spar.
Projoy's last statement would fit nicely into the lyrics of The Lonely Goat Herd and would scan if you left out the word 'trumpet'.
Actually, it wouldn't scan if the barcode was all scrunched up.
I'm really busy at work.
All cheese is watching your every move.
Everyone in my family except me has a diploma in advanced footstamping from the Milk and Fisheries Enterprise Council
Country dancing is about the most powerful form of protest against society. It has been employed to devastating effect in eight of this country's most successful coups.
Only one starfish has ever risen to cabinet rank in this country, and this is principally down to the fact that starfish are unable to speak, write, debate, frame legislation, understand a ministerial brief or be bound by any kind of collective responsibility.
I don't have time to read or even smile at all the recent entries because I'm still working my socks off.
Folk music is vastly improved by sticking your finger into someone else's ear.
Boolbar has just described how and why the phrase waxing lyrical came into being.
Hash browns are so named for their resemblance to rapid access data structures. Other delicious choices for breakfast treats include linked list greens and array yellows.
"La plume de ma tante est dans le bureau de mon oncle" is loosely translated as "My aunt and uncle are at it like knives."
I like knives *slithery laugh*
I like slithering!
So do ophidiophobists.
Most wild Australian snakes are harmless, easy to catch and make excellent pets.
He who drinks Australian thinks clearly.
I'm asleep.
Nightmares sort out the problems of the day and leave you bright and fresh in the morning.
I'm still asleep. I don't have to wake up at 5 AM.
Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.
Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?
Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.
By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.
30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.
I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.
30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.
I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.
I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.
The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.
Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?
I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.
Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot
Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.
Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.
After being made redundant from Playschool, Hamble joined the police force and is now a detective inspector.
Mutton can be used as paper.
If you find you appreciate art too much, your best bet is to take an anaesthetic.
[Projoy] Does calculating your position using Pythagoras' Theorem involve using a right East Anglian?
Most Roman mosaics are actually massive Rubik's Cubes that have gone stiff and settled in one configuration. The pictures they appear to show are projections from the viewers mind.
"A right East Anglian" is a euphemism in the church for anyone who routinely appoints gay bishops.
My bishop has been deceased since 1985 but still says Sunday mass with the aid of a truss, two vicars, and a ventriloquist.
Conifer trees are very militaristic. During the cold war, hundreds volunteered to leap into the Arctic Ocean and scud around under the Polar ice cap looking for enemy submarines.
Privet bushes can reach speeds of nearly 200mph on the flat.
Pot Noodles are highly nutritious
They are also deadly when armed with a straw and a small handful of frozen peas
Frozen peas should under no circumstances be defrosted without adequate radiation shielding and a written promise from the President of the US that they won't view it as a hostile act.
Somewhere in the derelict gothic red-brick tenement zone of Bromsgrove City, a wicked gang hides in a dark alleyway, awaiting the faltering step of a dear old lady as she leaves the Post Office with her £27.50 pension. Could this be another case for “Judgement Squirrel”?
Kate Bush fans were entirely responsible for the great Cadbury's Fruit and Nut shortage of 1989.
A group of hungry badgers were entirely responsible for the great Kate Bush fan shortage of 1996.
Kate Bush was entirely responsible for the chain of Pop Music Reeducation Centres which were implicated in literally several cases of enforced induction of Duran Duran fans into the Kate Bush fan club using highly sophisticated brainwashing techniques. Said one escapee, "It was awful. I will never be able to go near any windy moors again without flashbacks." The trial continues.
When Kate Bush ran as the Democratic candidate for the US presidency in 2001, one witty pundit was heard to remark "Great - now there's a bush in both camps!".
Ex-president Clinton would have known what to do with a Bush.
Duran Duran were entirely responsible for the recent trend in repetition - see 'Education, Education, Education', 'Location, Location, Location' and 'Iain, Duncan, Smith'
They are also responsible for "Titty titty, bum, bum".
And "Papa's Got A Head Like A Ping Pong Ball"
A squirrel was recently voted as an MEP representing Latvia after the previous encumbent had a heart attack after seeing a man being run over by a tram.
[Tuj] Typo there, you missed out the last 'p'. Some homeless men in Riga can reach a weight of three and a half tonnes.
The square root of an octagon is a rhombus.
I have just abandoned my career and gone to live as a chimbley sweep in Pembroke.
Stendahl had three knees.
No news is Japanese theatre information.
Somewhere in the dark mid-Atlantic, far from the hurricane battered West Cornwall shoreline, a small inflatable dinghy packed with boy scouts has developed a slow puncture. Could this be another job for "Lifeboat Badger"?
Boy scouts, when packed into a deflatable dinghy, look just like sardines on toast.
Cojones are a type of tomato, that taste lovely with lettuce.
Cojones were used against St. Paul when he sent lettuce to the Corinthians.
The Corinthians, however, were on the Atkins diet, and would only eat Romaine.
A boy scout on a raft is American short-order cook language for a poached egg on toast.
Scrambled egg on toast never goes cold.
Dujon] I see you've misspelled 'Scambled egg' again.
The Indian Ocean has a catflap.
Women do not have muscles; they locomote as spiders do, by redistributing the blood pressure in blood vessels around the joints.
I exploded again today.
Raak's comment didn't give me the heebie jeebies.
Lilith Hebden-Bowles was a celebrated monkey parlour singer in the forties, and was ground down and converted into sheet music when she died.
Somewhere on a busy Wolverhampton freeway a Cadburys tanker has shed its load of Crème Egg filler, halting the progress of a chilled juggernaut carrying an express consignment of penguins for Dudley Zoo. Could this be another job for "Traffic chinchilla"?
Bob the dog's next posting will have nothing to do with "Paramedic Shrew". ;)
. . . . and it won't include the words "jelly" and "foghorn".
Triangles don't have three sides. It's all a government conspiracy.
Gerbils are remarkable propagandists.
Hamsters are better because of their ability to pouch bad news.
Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.
I have never used a computer.
Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.
Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?
[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.
My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.
Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.
According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.
Marmosets taste of liquorice.
I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".
Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".
I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".
Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.
Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".
Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.
I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.
I'm not going home now.
The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.
Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.
In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.
I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.
<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.
In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.
I am Spartacus
COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.
There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.

The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.

1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.
I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.
'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.
Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.
Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.
Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.
The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.
Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.
I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.
That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.
Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.
My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.
Plenty more where those came from!
Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.
I am the Queen.
I am a Queen.
We are the Queen
We are the champions
...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)
...Games.
Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.
I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.
I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.
It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).
I am Tiger Woods
I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.
My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.
My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.
Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.
To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.
I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.
Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.
I do not have to go to work soon.
[Tuj] I am always an hour earlier than you think.
Rather than reset my clocks and video, I just moved the sun forward 15 degrees in the sky.
Boolbar] My sun won't do this. You have to wind it back a complete year until you end up at the right time.
The old analogue sun was replaced in March this year. If you look carefully, you will notice that the sun now moves in 1 degree jumps.
[FG] You're kidding! It was dreadful!
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.
I, too, run by the power of the moon. I have a small diesel generator in my arse.
I'm currently retrofitting it to run off methane, so that I can eat a bowl of chili and sell the remaining wattage.
It's not so much that my hovercraft is full of eels, as that the eels just won't let go of the steering.
It's not so much that I want you to come back to my place bouncy-bouncy, it's just that there's nowhere around here to park the space-hopper.
What would Brian Boitano do? It almost certainly would involve Harris Tweed.
Euphemisms have been outlawed in 30% of Chechnya.
Nell Gwyn's place in history would have been assured if she'd accepted the marriage proposal of either Alexander Graham Bell or Colin Sell. She died, however, content in the knowledge that she'd been immortalised in the opening line of Gray's Elegy.
My boyfriend constantly complains. We're going out tonight for an evening of whining and dining.
The Bolivian Death Marmot, a fearsome little beast, can spray its highly poisonous and corrosive gastric juices up to a distance of ten meters. Nevertheless, brave Death Marmot hunters capture and skin them for their beautiful (and quite valuable) pelts, and when boiled with yams, they can be mashed into a paste that not only cures baldness, but also tastes exactly like buttered popcorn.
Indeed, Riff, in fact - when banged around with a pestel and mortar it's better than viagra; least ways, it is suppose to have certain, err, effects - just as is popcorn in the back row of the cinema, (well, so I'm told.) ... ;-)
Ruckily ri reek rin ra rorral rashion. Reveryrody ran runderrand re.
Ri runderrood revery rord rof rat.
Helicopters fly by repelling the ground away from them because they are so ugly.
My solar plexus stops working when the sun goes in.
All cows are called Colin.
This is how "Colindale" got its name.
All pigs are called Birmingham.
. . . except me.
All chickens have one purple feather just under their left wingpit
I used to own a walking stick which was fluent in fourteen languages. Unfortunately, none of them was English, so I encouraged it to follow an academic career at Leeds University, where it is now a staff professor.
groan.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.
There is no such thing as pie.
Chain-link fences are woven by large mechanical spiders..
I store a large jug of platypus milk in my hat, just in case of emergencies.
Dunx] My walking stick was crap - it limped.
I suffer from an acute phobia of spignurtles, although fortunately these are not due to be invented until the year 2178.
I am not an American.
I worked at the white House in the 90's. I have the distinction of being the only woman there that Bill Clinton did not hit on. I have to have therapy, as a result.
[Tina]Yes, I remember you from your antics in the ante-room.
Thyme heals all wounds.
Tina] What an amazing coincidence! I also worked at the White House in the 90's. Sadly I had to leave office in January 2001 – after having hit on every woman in my employment except one.
Many people have scoffed at Secretary-of-State and former general Colin Powell for pronouncing his forename with the long 'o' sound, but it is actually a homage to the fact that he has discovered he is descended from one of Louis Pasteur's original specimens of E-Coli. George W. Bush's great-great-great grandfather was actually a sneeze from George Washington's horse.
There is no such thing as America
Chalk is actually fossilized snow.
Riff - you have a poor sense of humour. I am not glad you are posting here.
I'm glad Bob hasn't posted anything about a small mammalian superhero lately.
[Bob] Your words offend me greatly; I rue the day I came here.
Atop the Rotunda, overlooking the dilapidated and crumbling 1960s concrete Bull Ring arcade, evil Birmingham city centre development engineers plot a complete redevelopment of the entire West Midlands into the worlds biggest handbag-shaped shopping experience. Could this be another job for "Planning objection Gerbil"?
I can remember the amusing comment I was going to post here earlier. I don't think it was about IDS.
I discovered America. It happened quite by accident when I was searching the freezer for ice cream.
Mericas come in packs of twenty from you local corner shop. Buy a merica today!
I smoked a Merica once, but I don't remember how it tasted.
A Merica (vintage 2001-present) does not have a taste akin to a pile of cowsh*t.
Amazingly, cowsh*t tastes rather like strawberries.
I wouldn't know, but I'll defer to those who do.
The word 'defecate' is one which should never, ever, be used in print.
"Print" is a word that should never be spoken.
'Print' is a basic function that all computers master first time, and never have any problem with.
Sports commentators go to special schools where they are taught how to form metaphors.
I am not going to post the sentence "I've never metaphor I didn't like".
... as the mathematician said to the slide rule.
I know exactly what I am going to demo in ninety minutes, so I'll just spend a few minutes in here so I am a bit more relaxed.
Deep in the jungles of the Amazon Basin, there is a small tribe of natives that build their huts entirely out of radishes.
I meant to do that.
When I interned at the White House, Hillary Clinton and I spent many careless Sunday afternoons sitting lotus style on the bed in the Lincoln room, playing gin rummy, smoking cigars, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
In Australia 'peanut butter' is synonymous with 'VegemiteTM' and tastes exactly the same.
The Japanese parliament consists entirely of little robot dogs.
If you peel an onion layer by layer and then put the layers back together in the reverse order you will create an area of space time which Frenchmen and the influence of France cannot penetrate. In this manner you can be near a peeled onion and feel no tears in your eyes at all.
<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>
George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.
Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.
The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.
You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.
The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.
I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.
I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.
I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.
Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.
It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.
*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.
LONGER
My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>
The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.
The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.
I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.
Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.
RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment

Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.

In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).

As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.

The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.

Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.
A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.
Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.
s/plasted/blasted/
< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >
I am not certifiable.
I feel great!
Buy me now, and get another free (while stocks last).
I have not just sat and read all of Bob the Dog's last post
Hitler was just misunderstood
I have just received a four-page letter from George Bush asking my opinion about the war, the American economy, and Homeland Security.
On January 1st 2000, the town council of Lampshade, Montana unearthed a time capsule that had been buried beneath the City Hall on January 1st 1900. Inside were found an old newspaper, a buggy-whip, three old photographs, a bowler hat, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run.
(Okay, it's a Lie of the Day, but it was my Lie of the Day.)
There is a place called Hell in Nebraska
The signpost on westbound OR-26 at the junction with highway 212 which points to "Boring Oregon City" is not even slightly amusing.
I can't afford to buy Tuj now. I can't think what to do with the spare one either.
I came home today mentally prepared to begin work and discovered to my surprise that I had already finished it during an idle hour last week.
All Liberal Democrats have a heartening vision of universal freedom, all Labour guys strive to improve the life of the common man and all Conservatives yearn to create a morally upstanding Britain. All voters want to help them.
It's your democratic duty to vote. If everyone voted, we would have a government that would be discernibly superior to the current one.
There is a place called Nebraska in Hell.
There is a house in New Orleans they call the Rising Bun.
Las Vegas is made entirely of dried macaroni and PVA glue
When a penguin is born it must immediately pass an examination in accountancy otherwise it will be forced to become a cormorant.
[pen] I feel safe...
Sawdust is actually a gas. Chemical symbol Sw, it reacts violently with bromine to produce spinach.
similarly, barbecue sauce is the result of a chemical reaction between potassium and shampoo.
Shampoo comes from the ancient Indian word meaning to smother with month-old brie
One can actually achieve a fine brie at home simply by putting a bottle of milk in a tumble dryer on hot for several days.
All things can be tumble dried
The indigenous population of commemorative plaques has been severely diminished by trophy hunters.
Somewhere in the Australian Bush, a man has faked his own death. Could this be a jobb for 'Insurance Fraud Kookabura'?
I suspect that a kookaburra would not laugh at that suggetion.
'suggetion' s/b 'suggestion' - Ruddy 'eck, AP, it's catching!
Ann Widdecombe and Kylie Minogue are, in fact, the same person. (Have you ever seen them in the same room?)
The Tube map is actually at 1:1 scale. The tickets are soaked in a drug that, when absorbed into the skin, causes you to shrink drastically. Don't ever eat one, or you may not return to your proper size at the end of your journey!

Dr.KEITH PEAR
United Bank For Africa PLC,
ILupeju Branch,
Lagos, Nigeria.

I am Dr.KEITH PEAR, Branch Manager with United Bank For Africa,Ilupeju Branch, Lagos, Nigeria. I have an urgent and very profitable business proposition for you that should be handled with extreme confidentiality.
On January 6,1998 a Foreign Consultant and contractor with the Nigerian Railway Corporation Mr. Williams Gambe by name made a numbered time Fixed Deposit for twelve calendar months valued at US$25M (Twenty five Million United States Dollars Only) in my branch. Upon maturity I sent a routine notification in accordance with the Bank policy to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers Nigerian Railway Corporation that Mr. Williams Gambe died from an automobile accident.

On further investigation, we found out that he died without making a Will and all attempts to trace his next of kin was fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr. Williams Gambe did not declare any next of kin or relations in all his official documents including his Bank Deposit paperwork in my Bank.

This prompted me to contact you.

I have decided to spend the whole sum on a slap-up meal at ‘Thank God Its Fridays’ in Aston Cantlow with a whole stack of people I’ve never met before.

Will you come?

I await your response urgently.
Regards,
Dr.KEITH PEAR
Yes.
Only if elephant tusks are not on the menu. If this is satisfactory to you please send to me your bank account details in order that we can confirm this in a professional manner.

Signed

Sucker

The Ordnace Survey's next project will be a survey of Peter Stringfellow's scrotal sack.
This will not take very long.
Don't look now, but the building you are in is surrounded by ducks.
This sentence is five words long.
So is this one. And this, too. Even this.
Toblerones are made from the reconstructed nose hairs of 2 week old gorillas
Which is ironic, because gorillas evolved from cheese.
Michael Howard looks certain to lead a wholly reunited Conservative party to an overwhelming General Election victory in 2005.
The entries under the name of "Tuj" are in fact selected highlights of the typings of a million chimpanzees.
Noone typed this. In fact, I do not exist.
I did not type this. I do not own a keyboard, and have to enter words onto the computer by a process involving my brain, a set of jump leads and the scrotum of a passing snapping turtle.
Irony is made, ironically enough, from flakes of Alanis Morisette.
I have no hard drive. I have no memory. I am living in the 80's.
The 80's did not exist. They were just the 70's without bell bottoms.
I still wear flares.
I shot J.R.
And I shot the deputy.
The year is not 2003. It never was and never will be, due to a clerical error at the printers.
Everyone in the UK looks up to, and admires the Royal Family. No-one believes that terrible rumour.
I started the rumour
Spam brings peace through joy
Ponds bring peace through koi.
As ZK undoubtedly knows, as zoos are built up over time by people receiving animals through the mail. Lions require A3 envelopes, but chimpanzees can be sent by freepost.
The Guardian newspaper is printed on recycled dwarves.
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