mc5 - Ooops! Time to change career?

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Ooops! Time to change career?

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Give quotes that suggests the person would be better seeking more suitable employment.

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[CdM] Ah. Snopes. It's an interesting one. They do openly state that the distributors were not responsible for the change. However, the director states that the story is "not totally untrue". What he doesn't state (at least snopes doesn't state it) is that market research was undertaken and that because of the lack of the word "King" in the title, Americans did not make the connection between George III and King George III. The studio thought it a big enough risk from the results of the market research that the title 'King' had to be added. The 'III' was also removed. It has never been revealed why. The studio only ever mentions why King was added. One must assume that it was done for a reason that does not want to be publicly disclosed. One thing a good director knows is that in the film industry, you don't get far if you call your largest audience stupid. So I think on this, Snopes should rate it as unconfirmed.

[nfras] Yes, I'd agree it has a hint of 'unconfirmed' about it. But do you know that such market research was undertaken and found the result you state? If so, then I withdraw my objection. Otherwise, I think the story is better put in the urban legend category.

"Yes, yes, yes, I'll check you out in a minute. But can't you see I'm very busy right now?" *turns back to nfras*

[CdM] I'll try to find the source. I was pretty sure that they did market research.

OK, new topic: how about HOSPITAL RADIO DJ

"And now, for all you oldies, here's Eddie Cochran's Three Steps to Heaven."

"Especially for junior doctors on the night shift, here is a selection of soothing lullabies."

And now an urgent message for Mr Eric Sergeantson in the Kensington Ward. You were told this afternoon that you had 48 hours to live, but there has been a mistake. Dr Humphreys says he was meant to tell you yesterday. Now, Groove is in the Heart by Deee-lite.

"Pssssst ... Hello? This is God. Yes, you lying in the bed there .......... that's right I 'm talking to you. It is time. Come into the light my child. Come into the light."

And here's Madness with Cardiac Arrest

A special request from the staff in the STD Clinic, It started with a kiss.

And if you're in the isolation ward, here are the Police with Don't Stand So Close To Me. (I should point out at this stage that I was a Hospital Radio DJ in a previous incarnation - i.e. when I was a student). [Yoakum] Nice one

"For everyone on the intensive care ward, here's The Eagles with Hotel California, and remember, you can check out any time, but you can't leave."

And another one for the Cardiac ICU, Madonna with Die Another Day.

" ..... and so good luck to all in Accident and Emergency - break a leg!"

Don't touch that dial!-ysis machine.

And now here's our friend James with a quick run down of all the events and happenings in the town today. James - what's everyone missing?

Now, a special event has been happening in the hospital this week. I have right here a note that says that the South African Mr Universe has been visiting patients in the hospital and helping to raise their spirits and get them back home soon. Oh, wait, that's a misprint. I should say MRSA has been round the wards this week and 300 beds are now vacant.

For Mrs Trellis in geriatric, here is a request from your family, Neil Sedaka Stairway To Heaven.

[Softers] Shurely Stairlift

That was Desperate Dan. We continue our 24-hour, commercial-free Lieutenant Pigeon marathon with Mouldy Old Dough. Again.

Here is a traffic report: Owing to a fire in (names the hospital) all roads have been closed in the vicinity and there is serious conges...... Shi-i-i-i-t, I'm going.

A message to Debbie and Paul Tarnish, from their father in the colostomy ward. He says not to worry, he's doing fine. Meanwhile, here's the Godfather of Soul with Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

"And now, for your enjoyment we will broadcast a short radio drama entitled, The Murder of Patient X In Room 9906. While it is airing, your host will be away from his mike recording tomorrow's episode, The Copycat Murder of Patient Y."

[Oegy] LoooL

The hospital would like to appologise once again for the loss of the cable TV and radio services, due to the cable being cut during the laying of the new car park. Service will be resumed on Monday. Now back to 24 hours of Sousa

OK folks, you asked for themed days to lift the dull monotony of your pointless existence. So let's kick off the first Morrissey Day with Girlfriend in a Coma.

Just going for a fag - back in 25 minutes.

[Oegy] Thank you for the laugh. That was absolutely brilliant, sir.

And we have a mystery guest today roaming the hospital wards! If you see a doctor walking around brandishing a syringe, call him over and say, "You are Dr. Jack Kevorkian and I claim my 5cc of morphine."

Just coming up to lunchtime, and to get those taste buds going, here's a selection of songs from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd. This one's a request from the boys and girls in the mortuary.

And for those whose lives are hanging by a thread, here are Doctor and the Medics with Spirit in the Sky

And the Morrissey day continues. The man with Ebola in the isolation ward has requested I Started Something

And now, the results of the sweepstake on how many patients died here last week...

[Raak] nice!

And Magdi Yakoub's favourite, Feargal Sharkey's A good heart is heard to find.

And for all you Elvis Costello fans in Physiotherapy, here's I can't stand up for falling down

Allahu Akbar! oblig.

[Raak] "OK, the winner is Mr Gapp from Rosemary Ward, who... oh, apparently Mr Gapp won't be able to receive his prize... So, anyway, the sweepstake is open now for this week's figure..."

"...and it's a rollover!"

[Projoy re: Sweeney Todd] That'll be The worst pies in London then?

We once again apologise for the spate of heart attacks yesterday when we announced that we would be doing an extended investigation into Youth in Asia. We have now renamed this Young People of the East.

[nfras] Hee hee! Had to think about that one.

"And now, we will air a segment entitled The Patient Files. The word around the water cooler is that the patient in room 101 has not been taking his medication. If you are listening, Mr. Macavity, your hearing aid has been found in your bedpan once again. Please take the suppository out of your ear and assume the usual stance. Oh, that's right! You can't hear me! Bummer!"

We'd like to welcome a new surgeon to the team, Mr Hamish Dalmeny-Invergordon. Let's pipe him aboard, punters, with Bobby Darin's Mack the Knife.

Between you and me, the sister in ward 10 really screams when she comes.

I'll get me lab coat

"AWOOGA! AWOOGA! ... Jiggedy! Jiggedy! ... Who's your daddy now, nurse in training, Johnson? ... *gentle moanings* ... Oh! Oh! Oh ... my god, it's like, I think the mike is on! ... PANT! PANT! ... WHOO! WHOO! ... I can't stop now! ... CHUGGA! CHUGGA! ... *gasps* ... Now what were you saying? ... Eeeew! The mike! I think it's on! ... Oh, I'm F**ked! ... *giggles!* "

I'm right behind you

"Good morning listeners! Today we are airing live for the first time from our brand new medical facility on Westhaven Court, to watch the razing of our old hospital on Easthaven Court, in approximately 3 minutes, and counting; overnight, the patients of Easthaven Medical were successfully evacuated and transported to our new location, and explosive charges planted in the basement to implode the entire structure in on itself. It will be a grand sight! I sure hope we did not leave anybody behind!"

Today we are happy to have Dr Watson who many of you will know. Now tell me Dr Watson, why do the other doctors call you Dr Death?

[nfras] A fine one on which to change topic.
Recap: Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister, Taxi Driver, DVD Store Salesperson and Hospital Radio DJ.

Weather Forecaster

We've had a call from Mrs S. in Gloucester saying there are floods there. Well, let me reassure you, Mrs S, that our models show there can't be floods, so you're perfectly safe, nothing to worry about.

The weather on Earth tomorrow will be generally windy, sunny, and overcast, rain ranging from showers to torrents, and snowstorms especially in polar regions. Equatorial desert areas will be hot. The long-range forecast indicates a rise in average temperatures of a degree or two over the next century. The Moon continues to be sunny by day with zero cloud cover and temperatures plummeting at night.

"You know, I've been completely lost since that last storm blew my piece of seaweed away."

"This (a cold front) will be moving south and there'll be some weather on it". Verbatim, more or less, from BBC R4 forecaster Kirsty McCabe, the de-rigeur-Scottish-woman-with-the-nasty-tinny-accent-who-knows-little-meteorology-and-will-be-off-doing-something-else-in-the-media-soon. Room 101, poss.

Page 3 girl speaking in a French accent out of a porn film: Zere will be a verree warm frurnt (thrusts infeasibly large chest towards viewer) approsheeng, an' eet will mek me verree verree 'ot, so 'ot zat I must -- to continue watching, enter your credit card details now.

Raak must divulge the channel he saw that on immediately, so we may all appraise the quality of the weather reports.

The Earth will shake and lightning will blaze down from the heavens to scorch the heathen! The ground will be rent asunder and fire and brimstone will issue forth from the cracks to suffocate the ungathered, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Famine, War, Disease and Income Tax, will ride amongst the howling masses, reaping from them a harvest of abject misery! Loud will be the screams of those dragged down into the fiery depths to suffer torment eternal! Sunday will be warm with scattered showers.

[SM] Lovely.

[Fessing Up] I vaguely remember something like what I wrote being done when I was a kid. Could have been Marty Feldman, Could have been ISIRTA. I felt it was time for a retread.

"A mild night, with temperatures 4 to 17 Celsius. That should cover it. We have to do this to cover our arses and avoid litigation. Crap, really. Shit! Was the mike on?

And we've just heard that tomorrow God will be on strike and we won't be having any weather at all of any kind.

"Hello, I'm Wincey Willis."

" ... which means we'll see a lot of those fluffy white things."

"Scorchio!"

Christ I'm soaked! I came out without a coat and umberella today.

If it is your fate to be rained on, you will be rained on. God will decide.

Okay people, it's time to spin the "Weather Wheel". Round and round and round she goes, where she'll end up no-one knows. Okay, that's "scattered showers" on the wheel. Now we throw the "Dart o' Prediction" at the Map and ... Brighton (near as dammit)! So that's "scattered showers in the Brighton Area" and we just need to roll the polyhedral Dice of Time and spin the dreidel of duration ... 5 hours starting at 6pm! While I'm figuring out the rest of Britain's weather, why don't we cut to camera three where Josh Atkins is ready at the bingo ping-pong ball machine to give you today's stock market trends and tips.

Let's have a look at what the chicken entrails are showing us today.

Today the San Andreas fault will open, drowning the HEATHEN DENS OF INQUITY of California. The shock will create a great wave that will sweep over the Earth scouring it clean of filth, except for the chosen few whom God in His infinite mercy has suffered to build an Ark to sail on the Flood.

"And if you're out and about watch out for that wind, which could cause structural damage into Thursday across the southern coastal fringes. Can't tell you the direction because we don't do vectors until Year 10."

[nfras]
<sings>Ayrton Senna has the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low, Mark Burano is a soprano, John Kettley, John Kettley, John Kettley... is a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman, a weatherman, a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish
And so is Billy Giles
And so... is Ian... McCaskill...
... And so is Wincey Willis</sings>

[Sierra Mike] My parents occasionally quote a weather forecast from (probably) "That Was The Week That Was" in which the forecaster says, very dryly, "Sorry about that, Egypt." In fact it's become a bit of a family catchphrase. I've just done a quick search and found this:
As a freshman at Cambridge, Idle played a weatherman in a skit called ''BBC BC,'' written by the older Cleese: ''Over the whole of Egypt, plague followed by floods, followed by frogs, and then death of all the firstborn -- sorry about that, Egypt.''
so it seems that that wasn't the first time it had been used. However, I don't think it was Eric Idle that performed it on TV, but I can't remember who it was

There will be flooding in the north due to the heavy rain of the last few days, which was due to the cold front pushing in from the Atlantic, which...my God, it never ends, does it? Every day's weather is caused by the previous day's -- and causes the next! But that means...that the Earth must always have existed...and it always will exist...our entire lives are to Eternity as less than an atom in the whole universe! We are nothing! Aieeeee!

There will be a 33.25% chance of rain today and a 12.5% chance of snow. Sunshine is 8% likely and a warm dry day with no sun is a 25% chance. Cool and overcast is 20% likely. So that leaves a 1.25% chance of no weather at all. I'm Peter Snow, goodnight.

If you're going out today, make sure to take with you 40% of an umbrella, 10% of a pair of wellies, and 5% of a tube of sunblock.

[Raak] I was watching the weather report the other day and it stated a 50% chance of rain, essentially meaning that either it will rain or it won't. How very helpful.

(nfras) What would you like them to have said, given the inherent uncertainty in weather forecasting?

[Rosie] "It could do anything, if you look out of your window you'll have a better idea than we do."

Are the stars out tonight? I don't care if it's cloudy or bright, for I only have eyes for yooooou...!

Owing to a widespread attack of pathetic fallacy, tomorrow's weather will be determined by the collective mood of the populace. So please cheer up, you miserable buggers.

Tomorrow will be muggy, The next day will be tuggy, followed by wuggy, thuggy and fuggy.

Eh-oh!

Another? How about
School Inspector

I was a first class teacher and an exceptional head.

Look, just hit the little buggers. I won't tell anyone.

I was a first class teacher and give exceptional head.

Funny, I never could spell.

You forgot the "e" on "potato", boy.

'Ave you got a loight, boy?

Are your expressive movement classes for five-year-old rigorous?

And do you take photos of them during swimming class?

Yes, I know the authorities don't like it but I still like to carry a cane with me. I even have ball-gags and handcuffs for when I do the public schools.

Yes, I always do my inspections wearing the gimp suit. Why do you ask?

Sorry, but I'm a naturist, and if you don't like it - tough!

There are no bad students, only bad teachers.

These children are not special neeeds with behaviorial problems but are disobediant brats, disrupting the teacher and should be immediatley excluded.

My belief is that the free market is a self-controlling mechanism that can be applied to education as much as to anything else. You advertise lessons, teachers compete to get a share of the student market and students use their purchasing power either to get into the lessons they like, or to skip classes and spend the cash at the chippie instead, in the full awareness of the future impact this will have on their earning power in the job market. It works very efficiently, and it drives up results because the students are incentivised to remain committed to the course of study they have paid for, since there are no second chances, while the students who would fail are less likely to enrol in the first place.

There are no bad teachers, only bad students.

[Projoy] Excellent idea!

[Raak] Yes, until he returns the next year, saying: "Local youth violence is a major problem for this school, so let us use the market to find a solution. The children should now be additionally empowered to spend some of their otherwise learning-directed funds on the secure bus to protect them from being attacked on the way home. Those older children who did no lessons last year and who graduated with no employable qualifications are in any case now quite likely to leave for another part of the EU, say, where employment is more plentiful. You see? The market operates optimally to bring about real happiness. All is for the best in this best of all possible worlds."

[Projoy] Er, there's already a problem with youth violence.

Before we begin, I need to see your lesson plan with expected learning outcomes and measurable evaluation targets, its assessment by the school's quality assessment process, your constructive response to the assessment, documentation of agreed action items arising, your plan for implementing them, the quality assessment of the renewed plan, and evidence of your reflective examination of the quality process. I will also be assessing your adherence to the agreed lesson plan and interviewing you afterwards regarding any deviations from the plan and eliciting your suggestions for how you can improve your performance in the future.

(Raak) Are you sure this person is unsuitable for the job?

[Rosie] I don't know, but they should be.

Everyone knows the only real purpose of primary school is childminding, so if you just keep the kids from beating each other up, that'll do fine.

Another? How about

Employment Office Worker

A job? Don't make me laugh, anyone who's serious about wanting a job finds one on their own. All we do here is make no-hopers like you show willing by getting you to sign up for timewasting courses on self-presentation before we let you on the dole.

What do you want my advice on jobhunting for? Have you seen what I do for a living?

Have you thought of a career in (rolls a handful of dice...consults a long table) typewriter repairs?

Don't you try to tell me what sort of job you want, you useless piece of shit! You'll take whatever I give you and bloody well do it or that's the end of your dole! And say yes sir thank you sir, or forget about ever coming back here again!

I've a few openings here for people with experience in organised crime...

You're a woman, what do you want a job for?

£57.63p? How can you possibly run a brothel on that? Here, have £500.

I've a couple of plum spots for the right candidate. Do you speak Arabic?

You don't want to be working, look, I know this bloke who'll fix you up with a whole series of benefit scams like the one's I'm running.

How about dinner tonight, and then if you come round to my place we can discuss what sort of job I might be able to find you, if you show me you're the right sort of girl.

That one's slowed down, so time for another. The cast so far:

Police Constable
Supermodel
Brain Surgeon
Farmer
Electrician
Car Mechanic
MC Coach
Evil Henchperson
Museum Curator
Somellier
Relationship Counsellor
Blacksmith
Nuclear Physicist
Shepherd
Stand-up Comic
Prostitute
Speaking Clock
Personal Trainer
Anthropomorphic Personification
Pope
Prime Minister
Taxi Driver
DVD Store Salesperson
Hospital Radio DJ
Weather Forecaster
School Inspector
Employment Office Worker

Member of Parliament

Yeah, I like to think of myself as an independent thinker, answerable to no-one.

I applied because I wanted to have a steady 9 to 5 48 week a year job.

Well, my first priority is to annex the Sudetenland.

This green leather is so passé. I move we have the whole chamber redone in chintz.

I'm a firm believer in democracy, which is why we should do away with Parliament and elections, put the opposition into concentration camps, and reinstitute a new feudal system for the new century with everyone having their place in a true democracy.

National Anthem? Of course I know it: Allons ! Enfants de la Patrie ! Le jour de gloire est arrivé !... oops! (This really happened in Belgium last month)

WHO'S THE WANKER IN BLAAACK?

Wny do I want to stand for Labour? Well, I like your logo best.

Well, my first priority is to annexe Sunderland.

I wouldn't have joined this club if I'd known they would let women in.

Actually, no. My first priority is to axe Sunderland.

I'm terribly sorry, but I don't have time for industrial lobbyists or monied special intrests. I'm far too busy addressing the concerns of my constituents, who must always come first.

Well, I'll either annex or axe Sunderland, depending which lobby group offers me the best deal.

[Softers] No, I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, there. That one sounds ideal. Just look at the US Congress and its current disgusting attitude to the Armenian genocide resolution.

So, is it true I get to set my own salary?

And expenses?!?

I see myself as a modern Guy Fawkes.

I swear loyalty to Her Majesty the Antichrist Bitch, er I mean Queen.

Hey, what's this big heavy golden javelin doing sitting on the desk. Reckon I can get it thru that big plate glass window up on the balcony?

There, there!

I want to be an MP because Parliament is the best drinking club in London.

So who does this "whip" think he is, anyway? Whatever he says I'm voting the other way on principle.

How much am I allowed to spend on stationery, again? ref one Siobhain McDonagh MP, full story here

And that's all I have to do to get to smoke in a bar again?

My bedfellow? Absolutey not Ol' chum! I'm monogamous.

Well, I've heard a lot about whips, black rods and getting someone to help pass your motions. Seemed like my kind of place.

I just like the sound of being able to pass motions.
Taxi!

All done? Has the employment agency run out of hopeless hopefuls?

It looks that way, doesn't it?

Nem con, everyone?

Kill, pussycat, kill.

All right. How about unsuitable things to be said by a Game Continuation Specialist?

You can't end it! It's been going for fifty years! It's TRAD--

*shouts, screams generally goes wild for Raak*

So, you want to end it then? Alright, fine! See what I care! No, no, wait, that was reverse--

px3wr8igoka5u5m0

px3wr8igoka5u5m0

No, honestly, it's very safe. Completely fool-

Well, let's just ll work hard at keeping this game of Mornington Crescent going, shall we?

Watch out! *ducks*

Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord