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Michael Grade has just been appointed Director General of the BBC, and, true to form, wants a clearout. Please provide inappropriate sentences that sound the death knell for a radio or television programme (for example: The Money Programme - Has anyone got 50p for the meter? or Upstairs Downstairs - "Rose! We're moving into a bungalow!"). Since Grade believes that he has God-like powers, you don't have to stick to the BBC.
I'll start the ball rolling, and ask if anyone could finish off
Top of the Pops
Which, from now on will be presented by Jimmy Saville

Time Team

"I think the inscription says 'Hastur'." "Hastur?" "Yes, Hastur."

The Archers

Hic sepultus sunt Jeffrey and Mary. Requiescent in pacem.
We're moving.

Ground Force
"This is all too much work, let's just concrete the whole thing over."

Casualty
"The nurse will kiss it better then you can go"

Blue Peter

We've decided not to do an advent crown this year. Instead, get some chalk, draw a pentacle on the floor (you may have to ask a parent or guardian to take up the carpet first), and then get your goat and a sharp knife...

Ready Steady Cook
OK your ingredients are three bottles of beer, a bag of pretzels and six ounces of canabis...

Have I Got News For You

"And now, the weather."

Songs of Praise

"This week, we'll be coming to you live from Jerusalem" Darren, I salute you!

Location, Location, Location
"According to the latest reports, more and more people are buying mobile homes these days. What will this trend mean for the traditional estate agent?"

Tomorrow's World

"This small device promises to make all conventional forms of communication and entertainment obsolete at a stro..."

Star Trek

"Captain it appears that all the aliens are actually human beings in dodgy makeup, hell even my ears are just glued on" (Because he used the word 'hell')

24

"I think I'll take the day off."

Antiques Roadshow

"I'd say that any diary written by Adolf Hitler should be worth at least a million..."

Sex and the City
"Gee, I never realised how much fun a nunnery would be"

Eastenders
I see Albert Square has been purchased as a site for the Olympic Village

Question Time
- At last Mr Blair, and honest answer.

Womens Hour
At last Mr Blair, an honest answer. (ooops)

Womens Hour
Introduced this week by Emily Howard.

Just A Minute
We interrupt this programme for a repeat of a, err, gale warning.

Songs of Praise

"This week, we'll be coming to you live from Jerusalem"

A Touch of Frost

"Ooh! The sun's come out!"

University Challenge
More smart-arses making the rest of us look dim.

Countdown

"Zero....where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"

Doctor Who

*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Raak*
Er, how did that happen?
Well done Raak, I guess(?)
Must have been the winning move - shall I reactivate this?
Doctor Who: "Yeah, I know it looks small, but it's bigger on the inside than it looks on the outside. Look, come in here with me and I'll let you have a play with it."

The Weakest Link

Actually, you all did really well...

Big Brother
"We thought he was kidding when he put 'cannibal' on his application form!"

Coronation Street
"We're demolishing the whole lot to make room for a new bypass, the plans for which have been available in a locked filing cabinet in the basement of the council offices for the last three weeks."

Late Junction

"It's a late, Late Junction" No more Mongolian nose-flute misery.

You and Yours

"Oi, that's mine, give it back."

See Hear!

"That's the last time we invite Liam Gallagher to the BBC"

Love on a Saturday Night
"you're getting divorced?"

BBC London News
"Let's ask a journalist!"

Grandstand
"Sit down! I can't see a bloody thing!"

Panorama

"And our next report comes from the bottom of a valley"

What Not to Wear

"In our next series, we'll be rediscovering sixties fashions."

Friends (has the final episode been screened over here yet?)

The One Where Ross Joins Joey and Chandler for Three-in-a-Bed Man-on-Man Action.

The Premiership

No longer a Des. Res.

Jazz Record Requests

"no, we don't have that one..."

[inkspot] ha-ha-ha-HA!

Countryfile
"And today, Countryfile is introduced by a new presenter, who suffers from Turette's Syndrome"

Test Match Special
"We've just received the test results: cricketting rots the brain with boredom."

Thought For The Day

"Ummm"

Mastermind
"Pass."

Letter from America

"this week - H is for handshake, harmony and helicopters."

Stars in their Eyes
"Tonight I'm going to be ... Barry Cryer"

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

"The Slayer cannot stand before the might of....Mechagodzilla!"

or "'Remove this soulist propaganda from our screens,' demand Anti-Soulist League."

The Sky At Night

"well, it's clouded over..."

Food and Drink
"Tonight we're going to be tasting some lovely Death Cap mushroom risotto, drizzled with a sweet strychnine sauce"

The Tweenies
"Max, I think Bella's doing cocaine again..."

The Simpsons
"In accordance with our current policy of maintaining Victorian standards, future episodes will have Homer going tee-total, Lisa spitting the dummy, Bart taking his ADD medicine and Marge getting a hair cut."

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

"We were getting too many Italians, who naturally think in lire."

Analysis

"Welcome to the 'practical pun' show. The first word we're looking at is the title of this show, so here we go with...a Rectal Examination"

Treasure Hunt
"Al Qaeda operatives have hidden a cache of weapons somewhere in this mountain range. Can the team find it, while not walking into any minefields or booby traps?"

Star Trek (the entire canon and spinoffs)

It's life, Jim, but not as we know it. Beam me aboard, quickly , Scotty.

Colombo

Sponsored from now on by Johnson's Dry Cleaners

Horizon

So up yours Lord Hutton.

The Magic Roundabout
"You know" said dillon "I wonder if Florence is a virgin"

Dangermouse

"Well, he's definitely not the mild mannered janitor."

Trumpton

"What a wonderful place to build a new town!" said Bob the Builder.

So Graham Norton

" ... and for the remainder of the series, all shows wil be recorded at The Monaghan Trappist Monastery"

Eurotrash

"... and now an in-depth report about landfill management in Germany."

Room 101

"..Since the entire audience agrees, we will have to put Room 101 into Room 101"

Ready Steady Cook

Bzzzzzzt!! Repetition! I think it near the beginning of the game
Actually that would be quite a decent series closer so if you'll allow me, INJ, to nominate another?

Hell's Kitchen

"This week, a top chef gives Satan tips on cooking human flesh with fire, sulphur, and brimstone."

Today

"And now a report from the BBC archives..."
One Man and His Dog
"Normally, we'd insist on there being a bit more distance between him and the dog, and that he should wear clothes, but he seems to be enjoying himself nonetheless."

Panorama

Today we investigate the new technology, shortly to be released to not only sporting telecasters but also oursleves, called 'tunnelvision'. [Darren] Done earlier by Software and rab

Match of the Day

Number Three. The Swan Vesta. [pause] The Swan Vesta.

Murphy's Law
But first, a party political broadcast.

Murder She Wrote

"Damn, out of ink ribbon." [UK] a-HA-ha-ha-ha!

Masterpiece Theatre
"In a ground breaking televisual event, Ant and Dec will star in a live action version of Bill and Ben"

Top of the Pops

"No move at number one for Bryan Houston's 'I Will Always Do Everything That It Is That I Do For You', holding onto the top spot for a shattering four-hundred-and-thirty-seven weeks!"

Family Fortunes

(That joke once was topical)
"And playing against them we have the Beckham Family. Meet David, Victoria, Brooklyn..."

Father Ted

"...a new series, featuring all of the original cast" coat...

The National Lottery
"The numbers are... 1... 1... 1... 1... 1, and... 1. The bonus ball is... 1."

Newsnight Review

"Do you know what? I agree with you."

Newsnight
"I love you, Minister."

Blackadder

"as cunning as very cunning thing, that wrote a learned thesis on cunning, published by the cunning press, etc, etc,etc (slap)"

Countdown
British UFO Files What the F**k was that??? F**ked if I know!!!
Come ON! Too much repetition. Countdown's been 'done' already, as have at least 3 more on this page. Declaring originality with ...

Scrapheap Challenge

"And this week, can a team of former future Prime Ministers build a viable opposition government from nothing but a stack of dead wood?"

Composer of the Week

"This weeks featured composer is Rolf Harris. Rolf's contribution to the popularity of the Stylophone..."

Teletubbies

"one day, in teletubby land, Tinky Winky was off his face, while Laa Laa and Dipsy went twos on his crack pipe."

sorry, I thought I checked that out.........

The Simpsons
"We now regard this programme as a disaster of Homeric proportions".

A book at bedtime

"Tonight, the Slough Telephone Directory."

Only Fools and Horses

"And now, show jumping from Hickstead."

Desert island disks

"This week's guest is Jade Goody."

The Eurovision Song Contest

"Representing the UK, we have Jade Goody."

BBC Learning Zone

"...presented this week by Jade Goody"

How Clean Is Your House?
"...presented by Jade Goody nude."

The Proms

"...to commemorate D-Day, soloist, Jade Goody with The White Cliffs of Dover."

No Going Back

As it happens I did buy a return ticket.

Steptoe and Son

"I'm having an, erm, operation next week. From now on I'd like to be known as Ethel - I hope you don't mind, Dad..."

Top Gear

"and this week we'll be putting the new Lotus head to head against the 'acme 6 volt battery scooter', more fun..... than a box of monkeys"


Animal Hospital
"Who the hell let the tarantulas out?"

Bill And Ben
"This week on Ground Force, we're going to remodel a rather unusual garden..."

Bob the Builder

"Now, wherever have Bob and Wendy got to?"

Jonathan Creek
"This week, Maddy and Jonathan apply their talents to what is still an unsolved mystery."

Bargain Hunt

"This week, I'm going to be auctioning off these genuine 24 carat gold chips that I've just found in my pocket..."

Starsky And Hutch
"Dude, where's my car?"

Strictly Come Dancing
"Move your foot to the left, not the right. *thwack* How many times do I have to say this? *thwack* I don't want to have to punish you again, Bruce."

Britain Goes Wild With Bill Oddie

"I told you how dangerous Ecky Thump was!"

Rentaghost
"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Claypole."

One Foot in the Grave

"Where's the rest of Victor gone?" coat...

Mr Bean
"Oh, so that's why they call you Mr Bean."

Call My Bluff

So what are or is a Celebrity.

Womans Hour

So what exactly do you mean by Post-Op Nadia?

Blue Peter
Hello Mr Stringfellow!

Most Haunted
"why, it was the old caretaker!" "yes, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling TV sorts"

Will and Grace
For the inheritance we are about to recieve may the Lord make us truely thankful.

Party Election Broadcast
"Oi, mate, where's the bloody party? Putting a tick on this bit of paper ain't my idea of a good time. Put some music on and give us a drink."

Football Focus

"Bugger it, I just sat on my specs!"

Gardeners' World

"And this week, we look at the ideal way for busy city folk to manage a garden: pave the whole thing over."

Farming Today

"...sponsored by Monsanto."

Robot Wars

Now I look down the harbor. All manner of boats, overloaded with fleeing population, pulling out from docks.

Streets are all jammed. Noise in crowds like New Year's Eve in city. Wait a minute... The... the enemy is now in sight above the Palisades. Five — five great machines. First one is crossing the river. I can see it from here, wading... wading the Hudson like a man wading through a brook...

Now the first machine reaches the shore. He stands watching, looking over the city. His steel, cowlish head is even with the skyscrapers. He waits for the others. They rise like a line of new towers on the city's west side...

Now they're lifting their metal hands. This is the end now. Smoke comes out... black smoke, drifting over the city. People in the streets see it now. They're running towards the East River... thousands of them, dropping in like rats.

Now the smoke's spreading faster. It's reached Times Square. People are trying to run away from it, but it's no use. They're falling like flies.

Now the smoke's crossing Sixth Avenue... Fifth Avenue... a... a hundred yards away... it's fifty feet...


The West Wing
Duck, here comes Bush and Condalisa.

Z-Cars

We've had to give it a mersey killing.

Monty Python's Flying Circus. All right, sacrilege. Do your worst.

s'tI

Spooks

"Who you gonna call?"

The Royle Family

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