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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
Good News
yes, one of our old favourite games is back.
Bad News
It's neither 'New' nor 'Improved'.
Good News
But it'll make a lot of people very happy.
Bad News
Not me.
Good News
CNN is not available here.
Bad News
That won't stop us from receiving biased broadcasting
Good News
The BBC charter is up for public consultation,
Bad News
They're going to consult with a wide range of 10-16 year old Busted fans..
Good News
Luckily, no-one can understand what they're saying, so no-one will take any notice anyway.
Bad News
Unfortunately, the consultant will be a secret Busted fan and so will base his recommendations upon their incoherent ramblings.
Good News
Busted have been scientifically proven to improve brain power and concentration in the under-5s.
Bad News
Under-5s don't pay the license fee.
Good News
Neither does anyone else.
Bad News
This means that we're back to Jim Davidson's Generation Game on a Saturday night.
Good News
People will be forced to resurrect the lost arts of evening conversation.
Bad News
All of their conversation will consist of moaning of how there's never anything decent on the telly on a Saturday night.
Good News
The conversation will probably turn to cricket.
Bad News
Sky will win all the bids to show cricket anyway.
Good News
In which case there'll be extensive coverage of a national sport that England actually excel at. Wahay.
Bad News
England will suffer defeat at the hands of the UAE, Canada and France in quick succession.
Good News
It'll all be over very quickly, then we can get on with being bad at something else.
Bad news
The BBC will cancel all decent weekday programmes to show us being bad at everything else.
Good News
But the viewers will enjoy that, since the Brits are so good at Schadenfreude.
Bad News
Sadly, the Germans for one are better, seeing as they have a more accurate idea of what it is and can change the meaning at will.
Good News
Thankfully, for the sake of uniformity we can take it to the courts at Brussels and have them change the entire language.
Bad News
By an EU directive, any change to German must be uniform across all other European languages.
Good News
Ve hef vays (er, sorry) of ignoring EU directives.
Bad News
Still, 'Nadolig Llanen' doesn't sound quite right.
Good News
It doesn't matter - everyone in Brussels is getting drunk.
Bad News
They'll be in a bad legislative mood when the hangover kicks in.
News
The Belgians are famous for all the varieties of beer they brew, however, I can't think of any famous ones.
Bad News
The most famous ones are illegal in this country!
Good News
Day trips to Brussels might be getting cheaper.
Bad News
More asylum seekers are clinging to the bottoms of the return journeys.
Good news
Most of the return journeys are done by ferry. (ouch, even from me)
Bad News
Have you been on a ferry for two hours with a bunch of people returning from a booze-buying trip?
Good News
Yes I have, and very enjoyably drunk I was too.
Bad News
...then you threw up.
Good News
You got rid of all that filthy French beer and garlic.
Bad News
No you didn't. It was right there, and in the open now.
Good News
Better out than in.
Bad News
Okay, but there's your liver as well.
Good News
There are a group of surgeons on board, returning from a European conference.
Bad News
Half of them are vomiting over the side and the other half are waiting their turn.
Good news
The mighty ocean is indifferent to their suffering, and its products.
Bad News
The fish who live in it, though, are none too thrilled.
Good News
They'll eat anything.
Bad News
We have to eat them.
Good News
I'm a proper vegetarian so I don't eat fish. Only Linda McCartney.
Bad News
Rab's a proper vegetarian so he doesn't eat fish, only Linda McCartney
Good News
Linda McCartney is ready to help with my liver.
Bad News
There must be another Linda McCartney.
Good News
Paul McCartney's a knight. His staff put him on his charger each morning. Who said he couldn't cut it with AC/DC?
Bad News
Paul has blown a fuse because Heather has a short in one leg.
Good News
The Beatles are planning a comeback. (?!)
Bad News
All four of them will be on the tour.
Good News
They'll be playing open air venues [Dujon & plump]heheheeh :o)
Bad News
...in Chittagong during monsoon season. (If Paul & Heather are dancing, and he spins her around on the wrong leg, does she get taller?)
Good News
[Dr Q - ewwwwwwwwww!] Paul McCartney's become a new dad
That's old news. But it means there may be yet another McCartney telling us what to eat/wear/do/sing/etc
(I like doing it this way!)*changing the subject* The new Lord of the Rings movie is out!
Bad news
The film buffs have already found 33 mistakes in it, and those aren't the ones related to the book!
Good News
Most people didn't notice and had a thoroughly enjoyable time watching an exciting movie.
Bad News
We'll all have to hear over and over again how much it draws from box-office receipts.
Good News
If it draws enough, Peter Jackson will get to film The Hobbit.
Bad News
Michael Jackson already has. Allegedly.
Good News
Michael Jackson has a lot of 'Allegedlys' pending right now. Maybe one or two of them will stick and we won't be subjected to any more of his t*ss.
Bad News
Not until after his UK visit though.
Good News
He couldn't do anything questionable on Christmas....
Bad News
In the US legal system, you can get aay with murger if you are rich and prominent enough, as it seems.
Good News
"Murger" is the offence of owning a horse and carriage while having less than three barrels of tobacco to one's name.
Bad News
Three barrely of tobacco are unaffordable - unless you buy them in France.
Good News
I don't smoke.
Bad News
At least I didn't until I caught my sleeve in a passing campfire
Good News
Fortunately the Fire brigade were quick in their response.
Bad News
The Imperial Leather adverts don't work in real life.
good news
There are plenty more soaps on the TV.
Bad News
But they don't work either - or if they do, you'll end up with an unsightly rash.
Good news
Sudocrem is good for rashes and babies!
Bad News
Its not a good substitute for whipped cream.
Good News
Nothing like a good whipping.
Bad News
They eat whippets in Korea.
Good News
Whippets are down due to a new, non-high-forming gas they're putting in the cream containers.
Bad News
If you re arrange the letters in Korea you get an orange drink that brings me out in boils!
Good News
At least they're better than the bubos I had last week
Bad News
If you rearrange the letters in Korea their tyrannical Post Office will have you summarily executed.
Good News
That's only in North Korea. In South Korea they will read out the entire text.
Bad news
Without a translation!
Good News
Only Koreans have to be present.
Bad News
Everyone else misses out on the inevitable hilarity which ensues.
Good News
Thus deprived I consoled myself with a Chic Corea CD. What a pianist!
Bad News
I'm tone deaf (but I do like the cover)
Good News
At least I can look intellectual
Bad News
But only in the dark!
Good News
You could thus make friends with Michael Howard, according to la Widdecombe.
Bad News
You would then be in the bad books of Miss Widdecombe.
Good News
It's better than being in her little black book.
Bad News
I hear her little black box is now blonde too
[momus] ohhh yuk!
Good News
momus to dry clean his mind
Bad News
Dry-cleaning solvents have marked anaesthetic properties.
Good News
An open gateway into self dentistry and the pulling of ones own teeth
Bad News
They haven't found a way to wake you up again
Good News
They have found a way of waking you up again, by dangling you, in an infantile manner, over a crocadile
Bad News
You can hear an ominous ticking from this crocodile.
Good News
Maybe it's just a harmless clockodile.
Bad News
Yeah, but that's brown trousers time if you're a pirate.
Good News
That's more than offset by the fact that you get to say things like "Arrrr! Splice the mizzen! Avast behind! Arrrrr!" etc.
Bad News
But only once a year.
Good News
At Chrismas time, on a big stage, with lots of B status type celebs, from crap soaps and you get paid to do it!!!
Bad News
There are numerous category D type celebs present too, including Ainsley Harriot (to whom you owe a sexual favour), plus you are getting paid in pigs trotters, which are no longer legal tender in your tent.
Good News
At least you don't owe sexual favours to Anthony Worrel Thompson or Keith Floyd
Bad News
But unfortunately they owe you.
Good News
Their `debt' can be exchanged for points, and what do points mean?
Bad News
The loss of my driving licence.....sigh!!
Good News
You ghe chance to get lots of healthy walking exercise, during which you can reflect edifyingly on the transgressions which led you to this sorry pass.
Bad News
As you stumlbe across the sodden Heath you realise that these boots weren't made for walking.
Good News
But the reinforced steel stillettos are perfect for collecting paper and trash, thus performing a good deed for the environment.
Bad News
A heel's just come off.
Good News
You won't get back pain in later life from walking in flat shoes.
Bad News
You'll get it anyway, to judge from my contemporaries.
Good News
You'll have a good excuse to lie down a lot and have things done for you.
Bad News
You don't really get to choose who you get.
Good News
Martin Shaw is one of the volunteers
Bad News
I asked, but got Sandie Shaw.
Good News
At least you didn't get Harold Shipman.
Bad News
you have an unexplicable desire to write to all his victims families , to try and undo all the bad that's been done, in a rather clumsy and invasive manner.
Good News
Your computer crashes just before you print off all the letters, you realise you cant be bothered typing it all out again, so give up on the idea.
Bad News
You've been using M$ Word, so the AutoRecovery Wizard kicks in and brings the text back onto your screen.
Good News
The AutoRecovery text looks like this:- $%hTg "_Fu^k228697 /E 100172 /N 2 /T 227739 >> endobj :-(
Bad News
You see a message from God in it.
Good News
It doesn't contradict the message you heard from Satan whilst playing your Smiths LP's backwards.
Bad News
However it does instruct you to go forth and seek a trade promoting yoghurt.
Good News
You are deprived, and have never heard of yoghurt, and so do not blow all your money on a pointless enterprise.
Bad News
What little money you do have left, is taken by the government as tax for the new "Yoghurt for all" initative
good news
poverty focuses your mind on your addictions..you decline that glass of Pinot Gris proferred by Gordon Brown on the Underground at Midnight
Bad News
You accept a swig from the bottle in the brown paper bag from the tramp sitting next to him.
Good News
Hey maaan, it's marijuana vodka.
Bad News
Gordon Brown is sitting next to David Blunkett.
marijuana vodka? don't play with me - where is it?
Good News
They don't see you as they are both stoned
Bad News
Gordon Brown took your number and promised to call
Good News
You gave him the number of a sex line.
Bad News
It is YOUR sex line.
Good News
Your sex line brings in several thousand pounds a month!
Bad News
Bad News
Bad News
Your sex-line is about to be closed down by the new fearsome OFCOM. (I think I have spilt too much tea in my keyboard :-( )
Good News
Spilt tea in the keyboard of the computer controlling the sex-line telephone exchange puts paid to the enterprise before OFCOM can paste a closure notice on it and issue you with a warrant. Phew!
Bad news
Your computer is broke, and so are you. I can speak english, really.
Good News
Your weary history of insomnia enables you to win first prize in the mind numbingly awful Channel FourTV 'show' "Shattered".
Bad News
Your so tired you don't really care and neither does the single member of the viewing public who botherd to tune in (by mistake)!
Bad News
The History of Insomnia is the provisional title of a new documentary from David Attenborough.
Damn!
That was supposed to read Good News
Bad News
If Attenborough's gone that far down the pan that's the end of civilisation as we know it.
Good News
Ah ha! But if this project comes to fruition insomnia is cured.
Bad News
For the makers of Zopiclone and other such sedatives/night sedation!
Good News
Civilization as we know it has ended so now we can all return to "Reality TV" and Eastenders.
Bad News
You're appearing in the next reality show, in which you have to be a stuntman for an episode of Eastenders.
Good News
The latest incident in Eastenders involves Alfie drowning in a vat of beer.
Bad News
It's KwikSave's own-label lager-style beer, which retails at 20p per pint.
Good News
Everyone mourns Alfie so much that they end Eastenders. Forever.
Bad News
It's replaced by Westenders, a soap opera set among the theatre-going chattering classes.
Good News
At least it won't take six of them to make a brain.
Bad News
It will take seven.
Good News
Seven is the scriptwriter's luck number, so he will gamble everything he has on roulette.
Bad News
The roulette wheel is made out of swiss roll shaped french cheese, the casino is really a front for some bent butchers money laundering scam and you are accused of interfering with a dozen disabled dolphins by your unworthy peers.
Good News
The unworthy peer is Lord Archer. Oblig.
Bad News
Your DNA was found on one of the aforementioned porpoise, a pork pie is located in your make up drawer and thats Port Salut in your hair!
Good News
The pork pie tasted really nice with that slice of wild garden pickle (see other game!)
Bad News
The pickle was really a slug with the face of James Dean!
good news
The Silver Spider Porche 505 never crashed ..it merely nudged a bollard on the A14
Bad News
the nudged bollard threw the contraflow system out of alignment and the resulting traffic confusion and congestion snaked back towards the M6 to the west and Ipswich to the east, preventing thousands of families from arriving on time for their holdays on the Norfolk Broads.
Good News
It was raining, so they wouldn't have enjoyed them anyway.
Bad News
It was acid rain and 50% of them melted!
Good News
The Litmus paper states that the acid is benign, almost alkaline, and Morrissey walks into your living room with the acetate of his new LP "You are the Quarry"...you get a taxi to Bermondsey to celebrate.*champagne pops*
Bad news
Your taxi gets caught in the nation-wide gridlock caused by problems on the M6, and you have no food.
Good News
The term gridlock as it applies to the alimentary system has finally been allowed the official term ridlock
Bad news
You are in a hotel room in Soho with Morrissey and there are a dozen taxi's outside..you hail one and forget to blow him
Good News
You also stole his hearing aid, so he is no longer able to make mind numbing solo albums!
Bad News
You forgot you were his agent - now you're skint. (This is getting very silly)
Good News
Liberated from possessions, you go away and sit in a cave for ten years, and so find enlightenment.
Bad News
You now have a very sore arse, intolerance to light, loss of all social niceties and have no clothes.
Good News
You are, therefore, ideally suited to a position in local government. you make stacks of money by awarding contracts to huge faceless corporations that bung you some tax-free cash in exchange. (oh just read the bath chronicle you'll see what I mean...)
Bad News
Those faceless corporations are Halliburton, Parmalat, and Enron.
Good News
You are therefore untouchable, and can rest soundly knowing they will never even attempt to prosecute you.
Bad News
They do, however, prosecute your cat, your mother and anyone else who ever remotely knew you.
Good News
Your conscience having withered years back through your suspect business practices, you simply couldn't care less.
Bad News
Everything else about your person has also withered
Good News
At least you didn't blow Morrisey. (comus] did I read that right?)
Bad News
But he did give you a copy of his next cd (Groan)
Good News
You now don't have to waste money on a coaster.
Bad News
You no longer have a mate like Morrissey to make you mugs of tea to stand on the coaster
Good News
Tea is bad for you anyway.
Bad News
You used to drink 20 mugs a day, and now you're getting severe withdrawal symptoms.
good news
Johnny Marr loves your sister and gives a ton of cocaine to Bermondsey
Bad News
You live in Llandudno
Good News
And so does Mrs Trellis, who reliably informs me that there is a thriving drugs scene in these ultra-respectable Welsh versions of the Costa Geriatrica.
Bad News
Unfortunately, you get swindled when you try to buy some E and then realise the old biddy actually sold you enalapril, an anti-hypertensive.
Good News
You crush it up and snort the lot and experience a massive wave of relief and joy as the tension oozes out of every pore.
Bad news
But then you collapse on the floor due to a massive hypotensive effect.
Good News
Lib is there watching you and rushes in to help with her trusty stethoscope !
Bad News
The floor is weakened by the rush of activity and opens up, you both fall, head first, deep down into the underworld.
Good News
It's remarkably similar to London, so you already know your way around.
Bad News
But the sulphurous fumes coupled with the fact that all the transport runs efficiently and on time, leaves you significantly disorientated.
Good News
You realise, after a while, that you are in Dnepopetrovsk, and vodka is very, very cheap.
Bad News
Vodka makes you come out in spots. All over.
Good News
Hot mud packs make one look much younger than one actually is and, as an added benefit, cure acne, red-eye and gout.
Bad News
But tastes bloody awful in vodka
Good News
The vodka company give you a lifetime's supply to compensate.
With that quantity of bad vodka, your lifetime is likely to be very short.
Er... that was me :-Q
Good News
Its Hot Mud that you have been given a lifetime's supply of.
Bad News
You haven't got much lifetime left.
Good News
Your place in Heaven has been assured.
Bad News
Through a clerical error, you are sent to spend eternity haunting Lancashire instead.
Good News
That's where the cleric who made the error lives.
Bad News
You have just realised that the clerical error means that you are now haunting Lancashire, when in fact the true depth of the error is that you never actually died yet.
Good News
That is not rigor mortis, its just a very serious hangover.
Bad News
You've actually been drinking methylated spirits.
Good News
It has cured you of your terrible haliotosis and sorted out your gum disease a treat.
Bad News
You now have 2 bellybuttons.
Good News
Your twin navels are a novel place to put those new earrings.
Bad News
Those earrings are miniature Teletubbies.
Good News
They're dead.
Bad News
Po is starting to get a bit whiffy.
Good News
Its attracting a vast amount of flies of varied species for your new insect collection!
Bad News
It makes people mistake you for Beelzebub.
Good News
Which is just as well because you are about to launch a devilish plan ...
Bad News
Michael Howard has beaten you to it.
Good News
You won't have to lead the Tory party after all....
Bad News
...because you'll be busy leading Labour...
Good News
Which is a good reason to move to and live in Canada...
Bad News
Canada is uncomfortably near the USA.
Good News
You love the USA !!
Bad News
You have to say that, the US Army has just abducted you to Guantanamo Bay.
Good News
The beaches there are marvellous.
Bad News
You're not going to be spending any time on them, are you?
You were going on a diet anyway.
that was me with a "tab" issue.
Good News
You were going on a diet anyway.
Bad News
It's the Atkins diet.
Good News
As a cannibal, this is your own version of the Atkins Diet. Once a week, you look up "Atkins" in the phone book, and the rest is self-explanatory.
Bad News
This is illegal, and they've just caught you at it.
Good News
Private Eye call it the Fatkins Diet.
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