So could someone tell me what the Delux Aerofizz is?

Much in demand during hot weather, the Deluxe Areofizz(TM) fair races out of the shops when the temperature rizes. Not just an ordinary room fan, the Deluxe Areofizz(TM) has the ability to follow a user about the room, directing hundreds of tiny pockets of supercooled air, cushioned in a blast of ambient air, giving the sensation of a chilly tickle. This extraordinary function is facilitated by the wearing of the Deluxe Areofizz Transponderisator, a small gadget fastening discreetly onto the body by use of an abseiling harness, inflatable vest, all-terrain boots and protective helmet. With such ease of use, no wonder the Deluxe AreoFizz(TM) is the number-one for cooling down!

Oops, better ask a question too...I've yet to see anything about the use of BumperWrap - can anyone enlighten me?

Do your car bumpers keep on getting scuffed and bent when parking in cramped spaces? Are you afraid to ram the idiot in front of you in case you mess up their finish? Then you need BumperWrap bumper defenders. These easily-fitted accessories provide an extra six solid inches of rigid foam protection. You can drive with confidence that your car will shrug off all minor knocks and scrapes, and you can simply pop them off and stow them in the boot when you need to impress a date with your car's pristine condition. You'd use a knuckleduster to hit someone in the jaw: doesn't your car deserve the same?

What would I do with a Black Titanium XT?

What do they use Blue Hydrocrete for?

Oops, I only meant to put in one of those. Answer whichever you like.

I'll take the Blue Hydrocrete as I am tired of carrying around tubes of glue that get my pockets all sticky. Not any more thanks to Blue Hydrocrete^TM. It's a solid inert lump until you just add water. Then it magically turns into the stickiest substance on earth, so strong it can hold shelves to walls, rail carriages together and even has a number of uses in emergency medical procedures. Comes in various shades from cool azure to harsh cobalt.

This seems to be drawing a little inspiration from the Innovations Catalogue (RIP).

However, I'll leave the Black Titanium XT at home if that's ok. Can anyone explain?

I thought everybody knew the Black Titanium XT!

For those of you who have not been educated in magic, it is a form of jet, usually attached to a sore part of the body (and particularly sought after by ladies with large, err, accoutrements) which vibrates at 4.77MHz.

Now (Yes, I realise this is early days) my new home has a brand new/refurbished/rebuilt-after-the-fire kitchen, but the man said I had to use a pantechnicon. What is it?

Do you watch that BBC series Rogue Traders Dujon? If so, you'll know what I mean when I tell you your man should definitely be featured. The pantechnicon was a fifties item used supposedly to facilitate the installing of new pipes, it consisted of three large ball bearings hanging from a piece of string. Supposedly this would help level said pipes. This was of course complete rubbish as none of the pantechnicons produced were quite the right size. They're no longer produced today so your man is obviously after collecting one of these instruments as they are now quite highly sought after. Save your purse the grief and get rid of him.

I heard tell the other day of the Austrian Clutch, could someone enlighten me?

This is a board game inspired by Hitler's rise to power. The players play heads of state of various European countries, and see who can most effectively use bluff, threats, coups, betrayal, and sudden overwhelming invasions to take over the whole of Europe without actually declaring war.

Visual Eyeglasses for Windows sounds rather tautological -- what is it/are they?

Just to slightly amplify my last, the title suffered in translation, the original German being Anschlu&sslig;! (with the exclamation mark).

Ahem. That's Anschluß!

Visual Eyeglasses for Windows, or VE for short, is simply another programming tool from Microsoft forming part of its Visual Studio series. VE provides an integrated development environment for programming the next generation of mobile eyeglasses. As well as providing the usual focusing and sun-shading functions, these glasses will be able to access the Internet (albeit a subset called EAP), play Java games, and emit a user-definable piercing tone whenever the forehead reaches a certain temperature. The more advanced models will even provide an auto-shutdown of the cranium when the brain is not in use, as an energy-saving measure.

Visual Eyeglasses for Windows 1.0 will be available in the UK from February 2004, the price probably somewhere in the £50 for the Home edition up to £3000 for the Enterprise edition.

Meanwhile, I've been curious about the Facial Stylus for Men. Anyone seen one?

This is for men who want to enhance their manly looks by augmenting their beard. You use the device to first pluck a hair from your scalp, nose, ears, or anywhere else you have hair to spare, and then implant it into your face. Repeat 10,000 times.

The Furnace-Cast High-Sintered CrackStop ProShield sounds very effective at whatever it's for...is it?

This piece of equpitment was banned from field hockey recently. Basically its goal-keeper's kit, but the idea of the ProSheild was that it was so large it obscuered the whole goal, making it impossible for the opposition to score. The drawback was that it was furnace-cast from iron, so agility of any form was severly limited.

I've heard of super Delux Clock Cream but it has slipped my mind what the primary use for this is. Enlighten me please!

Lib, there is an old wives tale which relates to daubing (with butter) the paws of cats when they move residence; I'm sure you will have heard of it - or even used it! This super Delux Clock Cream which you mention is something similar. In fact it is the diluted version of the de luxe cream which is often used on clock radios when they are relocated in order that they do not become alarmed.

Hopefully I shall be settled in my new abode in the near future, but the real estate agent said that the building includes a reflective grid which she stated was beneficial but expanded no further. Surely it's not a one-way mirror?

The reflective grid is a system of tiny polished bars on your windows that act to prevent flies walking across the glass

I was offered a Trunk Bunk the other day in a pub, should I accept and what is it?

Another from the Innovations catalogue. The Trunk Bunk is a set of wooden-framed bunk beds that fold down into the size of a trunk, handy for taking with you on holiday. Since it weighs about 200 pounds, is inconveniently large to use in a caravan, and rented holiday homes generally have their own furniture, the market for these was rather small. Offer to take it off his hands for nothing -- it'll make a good bonfire on November 5.

Neoprene Power -- the latest in exercise wear, or what?

This is one for the "greens". It is actually an electric generator which uses an elastic band as an energy source. You wind it up, rather like those balsa wood aircraft from the days of yore. Then it will light a 3v torch bulb for up to 30 seconds. Indespensible in dark cupboards, cellars and in the loft while trying to unjam the ballcock.

Raspberry pipsanall - is it edible?

Very much not: Pipsanall is the world's strongest domestic cleaning fluid, available in raspberry, lemon, peach and avacado flavours. Well, I say flavours: I'm not sure anyone has ever tasted the fluid due to it having an extremely potent effect on all those who come within fifty yards of it. A typical reaction is severe dizziness, sometimes to the point of physical collapse. Meanwhile, the role of the product in the spread of genital herpes is currently being contested in the US courts. As a cleaning product, it's unparalleled and particularly useful in eradicating those embarrasing stains - beetroot, wine, blood - that are a giveaway that you might have had your mistress round while the wife's been at the hairdressers. Such a shame you can only use it in a fume cupboard and whilst dressed in a space suit.

Meanwhile can anyone tell me how to deploy the Sentinal Fanniwizz Plus I had delivered this morning?

You should have opened the package - the use would have been obvious. To those who have not come across one, the Sentinal Fanniwizz Plus is the brand name (don't you love some of the spelling that marketing people use?) which actually means 'Sentinel Fanny Whizz Plus'. Thus; what you have is a sporran, modified and enlarged for use by sentries in Edinburgh, which is worn under the kilt and attached to the belt front and back.

The other day I came across an object in a pawn shop catalogue which was described as a Canna Business Kit, unfortunately there was no image or description - perhaps a horticultural item? Can anyone assist?

Unless 'pushing up the Daisies' can be considered horticultural I'm afraid this most interesting piece of recent european history comes from a much different field. Italian, it originates from the southern town of Canna in the Calabria region. During the early eighties there was an EEC inititive to promote regional variety and busiess accumen. The French successfully gained 'branding' of the wine regions, and Britain 'branded' chip butties.
It was a local godfather Don Misterloni who championed the Canna Business Kit and had several crafted. The contents would vary between the business oppportunity and the secret kept within the family. During negotiatons with Brussels the beurocrats were left with the impression that he would make them an offer they could not refuse.

Unfortunately before the ruling Don Misterloni was killed by a contract killer, allegedly paid by the Sicilian godafther Don Gonnugetti. The Kit disappeared without trace, however it is strongly rumoured that the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi took along a Canna Business Kit during his meeting with German MEP Martin Schultz following the infamous Nazi concentration camp guard speech to the European Parliament.

On the staff intranet notice board there is an Ultra Low Door Spoon is it worth the £5 asking fee?

Aside from wondering if the Ultra Low Door Spoon has anything to do with getting the last remnants of Door Jam from the Door-A-Jar, I'm stumped. Is it worth the £5? Depends how much you like Door Jam, I guess.

I've seen mention of the Dough-Bat Combi in one of those Innovations-type catalogues, but I didn't have time to read the blurb before someone knocked on the cubicle door asking me to vacate the facilities. Can anyone tell me its USP?

This was the notorious equipment intended for door to door salesmen to home in on rich widows who could be sold anything at inflated prices. The public pressure led to its withdrawl from the legitimate market although the underworld have bought up the rights and sell their own E-Z PICKINS model.

I have been offered a Condorector 628I is it as good as they say and has the injury risk been overplayed?

I wouldn't pay more than about a hundred Euro for it, with ten pounds variation for condition. The model I saw, a 422g, was able to construct a complete condominium in about seven minutes, once provided with sufficient raw materials, and that was about AUD$150 two years ago. But of course it's the raw materials that cost the most and are the real problem - the only real injury risk is due to standing too close to the thing during operation; if you just push the 'on' button with a stick, say about two furlongs in length, then you should be well clear of any hazard.

I saw a guy at a computer swap meet selling a Pro Master XP Deluxe 2000 Plus, but it was wrapped up in one of those grey anti-static bags so I couldn't see what it was. Anybody got one, and is it compatible with Linux?

I've got one, and it isn't Linux-compatible. A simple reason - it's a sandwich (from TS Safebury's new gourmet 'Too good for the likes of you' range). The anti-static bag is intended to stop the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting the bread - which is rolled flat on the firm thighs of Cuban virgins. Seeing as the bread reeks of either tobacco (if the virgin in question is one of the three remaining female such to be found on the island, and therefore moonlighting from her job in the cigar factory) or sweat and pheromones (if it's the one, very lonely and self-obsessed male soul on the island who fits that description - he's the one hosting a rather-too-detailed website on the history and intricacies of the Havana underground, which hasn't been built yet) the task of stopping the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting it is a tad on the pointless side. The bag does, however, serve to ensure that the baby kangaroo which forms the main sanwich filling is actually dead (a known flaw with cardboard wrappings such as those used by Pret a Manger).

My neighbour has just had a small consignment of Farbulex granules delivered. Should I move?