Aside from wondering if the Ultra Low Door Spoon has anything to do with getting the last remnants of Door Jam from the Door-A-Jar, I'm stumped. Is it worth the £5? Depends how much you like Door Jam, I guess.

I've seen mention of the Dough-Bat Combi in one of those Innovations-type catalogues, but I didn't have time to read the blurb before someone knocked on the cubicle door asking me to vacate the facilities. Can anyone tell me its USP?

This was the notorious equipment intended for door to door salesmen to home in on rich widows who could be sold anything at inflated prices. The public pressure led to its withdrawl from the legitimate market although the underworld have bought up the rights and sell their own E-Z PICKINS model.

I have been offered a Condorector 628I is it as good as they say and has the injury risk been overplayed?

I wouldn't pay more than about a hundred Euro for it, with ten pounds variation for condition. The model I saw, a 422g, was able to construct a complete condominium in about seven minutes, once provided with sufficient raw materials, and that was about AUD$150 two years ago. But of course it's the raw materials that cost the most and are the real problem - the only real injury risk is due to standing too close to the thing during operation; if you just push the 'on' button with a stick, say about two furlongs in length, then you should be well clear of any hazard.

I saw a guy at a computer swap meet selling a Pro Master XP Deluxe 2000 Plus, but it was wrapped up in one of those grey anti-static bags so I couldn't see what it was. Anybody got one, and is it compatible with Linux?

I've got one, and it isn't Linux-compatible. A simple reason - it's a sandwich (from TS Safebury's new gourmet 'Too good for the likes of you' range). The anti-static bag is intended to stop the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting the bread - which is rolled flat on the firm thighs of Cuban virgins. Seeing as the bread reeks of either tobacco (if the virgin in question is one of the three remaining female such to be found on the island, and therefore moonlighting from her job in the cigar factory) or sweat and pheromones (if it's the one, very lonely and self-obsessed male soul on the island who fits that description - he's the one hosting a rather-too-detailed website on the history and intricacies of the Havana underground, which hasn't been built yet) the task of stopping the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting it is a tad on the pointless side. The bag does, however, serve to ensure that the baby kangaroo which forms the main sanwich filling is actually dead (a known flaw with cardboard wrappings such as those used by Pret a Manger).

My neighbour has just had a small consignment of Farbulex granules delivered. Should I move?

d (it just fell out onto my desk)