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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Windsor Castle is made of prefabricated cardboard and pine twigs.
Donald Rumsfeld is the 10-1 second favourite in the 3:15 at Uttoxeter.
Siberian tigers collect binoculars.
The mop industry is responsible for two thirds of the GDP of Wales.
Surely Ibid gets enough sleep at night.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
Paul Young just came 'round for a cup of sugar. Apparently he is the new Kajagoogoo front-man to replace 'Fish' out of Marrilion.
Liar! I heard it was a pint of milk he wanted.
The British are the most feared tennis players in the world
Former US president Jimmy Carter can bench press over 500 pounds.
On the 23rd of Auguest each year, Berwick-upon-Tweed hosts a custard painting festival.
By sheer coincidence, all Lufthansa pilots are experts in origami.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.
My lightbulbs are staring at me.
My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.
If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.
Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.
There is no crime in Nottingham.
Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.
Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.
But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.
Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.
The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.
The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.
It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.
I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.
Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.
I got up really early this morning.
Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.
Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...
[blamelewis] That was sole destroying.
Arthur C. Clarke said "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from extreme drunkeness."
The E-pilg was terrible and we should never do it again.
Everyone on the pilg was stone-cold sober throughout. No-one passed out in the toilets at all!
[Dr Q, snorgle] I'm glad I was there!
I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.
[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).
I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.
Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.
I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.
The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.
House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.
[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....
Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.
Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s
A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.
Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.
[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....
Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida
Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.
I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.
I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.
Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".
In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".
Reader, I married you.
Clouds are made of raindrop skins.
Raindrop skin is much sought after to make sou'westers.
We had beautiful weather for our 4th of July.
We didn't bother having a July 4th this year.
Oddly enough, neither did we. We just went straight from the Thurs 3rd to the Sat 5th, which was stupid really as I usually get paid on Fridays.
Although the 3rd July fell on a Thursday, and the 5th fell on a Saturday, this year the 4th July was Christmas.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
My underpants have gunwales and are staffed by a small army of sailors who use cannon to sink any enemy underpants that come too close.
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
I wear underunderpants so that my underpants don't have to feel they have no role in life.
An onion is simply a grape with two many layers of pants.
In order to make my meanings clear in many different contexts, I always add xml tags into my speech.
I can identify any tune, simply by licking the grooves on a vinyl record.
The role of Hamlet has never yet been performed by a man.
As well as their range of "Frappucinos", Starbucks also do a line of "Fappucinos", which are handy for artificial insemination.
Sitting on a garden sprinkler can help ward off pleurisy.
To make sure I stay on the right side of the law, there's a little 3 foot policeman that walks around with me, holding my left hand.
Actually it is me in disguise. I like to know what my 'naughty boy' gets up to when he is at large.
Interestingly my disguise is not as a policeman at all. I think my husband is confused by the big blue helmet.
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