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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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It is my birthday today, and i have celebrated by fouling my undergarments.
Powdered wasp, sometimes mixed with Wheato-Flakes and inhaled through an Obong by degenerates, is actually robbed of much of its intoxicating power when drawn through a wood tube of any kind as the tetrahydrowaspinol, the agent which provides the "sting in the tail" so highly prized by the wasp-fiend, is adsorbed readily by hardwood fibres. The resulting expansion of the fibres also renders the oboe in question permanently a good quarter-tone flat; untuneable by orchestra standards. The discerning consumer desiring a less wantonly sacrificial high should use only those woodwind instruments that are not made of wood such as the flute, all members of the saxophone family and the swanee whistle (with the slide removed) to injest their pulverised insect preparations, or to invest in a purpose-built waspbong. These pricey items can even be obtained in "stealth" designs including a very convincing oboe, which unfortunately cannot be played since the reed is cast as part of the mouthpeice and does not vibrate.
The line "That's a novel idea!" about NaNoWriMo is entirely original and will not result in the recipient of said epithet thwapping the proferrer across the bridge of the nose with any handy writing implement (eg laptop) that may be to hand.
Buying and selling a house is an inexpensive way of reducing your stress.
Bool] You do not get any sympathy from me!

I had a dismal time at a Rufus Wainwright concert last week.
Wet sand is a perfectly acceptable substitute for sewing machine oil.
Deep root fillings and tooth extraction are still the best forms of entertainment
I'm having a superb day. *sniff*
Estate agents know what they are doing.
Monochrome is a beautiful colour................unlike slate grey which is kind of drab!!
I have this overwhelming urge to stand on the desk in my cube and shout "My hovercraft is full of eels!" at the top of my voice. Excuse me for a moment.

Ah, that's better.

All submissions made on this page will appear in the 2005 World Almanac Book of Facts.
[Dunx] I am often similarly overcome by such an urge while working in *a certain well-known UK based supermarket chain*. However, I combat this by phoning my supervisor for a price check, and all is well.
why dont they make more intersting stuff about curie marie
When I'm not busy inserting catheters I like to spend my time drinking TEA and wondering how Eskimos grow Cabbages?
widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

"I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
Copying and pasting things so as to repeat them makes them more true. As such:
  • Tuj - widey] With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
  • Tuj - ...lunar energy being the energy taken from the rage of people who were given really stupid first names by their parents and never had a chance (or maybe the guts; makes no odds) to tell them how cross they were.
  • Tuj - OK, that wasn't wholly true. Energy from people given really stupid first names by their parents who never had the guts to tell them how cross they were is actually slightly less useful than that from those who never had a chance; but that's for the nuclear physicists to deal with, not us.
  • Tuj - I'm a nuclear physicist really, that's why I know all this.
  • Tuj - If you travel into the jungle, you will find the most commonly growing plant to be the jam sandwich tree (meles meles). Don't try and pick its leaves, however; they are daubed in poisonous sap.
  • Tuj - Interestingly, the jam sandwich tree smells of tulips, though many prominent biologists in the field (all female) theorise that this was more to do with the proboscis of the orignal discoverererer of the tree, Melhaus Verplank, who had achieved fame as the only person ever to discover new species of edible plant in their own nose.
  • Tuj - If you stroke someone's nose three times in the same direction, it paralyses the brain and they instantly fall in love with you. Side effects, however, include a non-reversible coma.
  • Tuj - The non-reversible comma was invented by Lynne Truss, and will secretly replace the old-fashioned comma at the end of this year. If misused, it leaps from the page/screen/etc and stroke's the malpunctuationer's nose three times in the same direction.
  • Tuj - The word "malpunctuationer" was coined by Shakespeare, as in the following passage from the first scene of the uncut version of Romeo and Juliet:

    "I mock thee for illit'racy, thou cur
    I wouldst brand thee malpunctuationer."

    The word was deemed so shocking for its Elizabethan audience it was written out after the first performance of the play, after which its title was changed from Norville and Gladys to the one we know today.

  • Tuj - By pressing the "Submit" button, you actually succumb to global terrorism. It sends an e-mail to a randomly generated Middle Eastern extremist saying "I submit! I renounce my capitalist doghood. Yrs, etc, (name)".
  • Tuj - My real name is Norville and Gladys. There will be prizes awarded for the best anagrams of my real name anyone can come up with. Or the most obscene.
    • I live on Cruithne.
    "Smothinism" is the study of obscure facts about beetles, particularly those concerned with The Beatles as well. The word derives from the Greek smotos, meaning "bee", and the Latin hinere, "to tell".
    There is no such thing as aircraft turbulence. This phenomenon in fact only affects London buses, but as this seems so unlikely to those with roughly average IQ or less, special damper/converters are used to channel it to aircraft, where it is now expected.
    The number 3753 is the most uninteresting integer known to man, followed by 162 and 16777217.
    For women, the top three are (in order) 162, 3753 and 781306.
    When writing a CV, be sure to include some very basic spelling mistakes. This reassures any prospective employers that you are human after all, and they'll be sure to hire you.
    In the beginning was the Word. And the word was... plumbers.
    Trenchcoat is a disease of the ear caused by keeping too many fish in your freezer. It can only be cured by a visit to Dorking.
    Toilet humour is the new black.
    In Tanzania, elections are conducted based upon the prospective President's capacity for shouting "MOOSE!" at louder and louder decibels. Controversy ensued after the last election after allegations of cunning ventriloquism.
    The British Isles were created when the Flashcard upon which the Word (plumbers) was Written fell to Earth. This happened diametrically opposite to the present location of our fair isles, and was not only responsible for their location, but also the invention of cheese (long story).
    What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true. What I tell thee thrice is true: With underfloor heating units powered by lunar energy.
    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj" is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".
    And that should not have read:

    The preceding post (minus the pseudonym "Tuj") is taken from the lyrics of a long-lost Status Quo song, their only number one hit in Poland. It was called "Muriel".

    At present, all buildings are inclined at twenty degrees to the theoretical "axis" of Earth which would pass through their reception desk. However, as covered at www.receptiondeskconspiracies.com, this is believed to be about to change, resulting in worldwide assassinations.
    "Nodosità" is German for schadenfreude.
    There are no such things as kneecaps! This common misconception is based upon the lumps people feel on their "knees".
    I've read all of those.
    The element "Argon" was based on the dying words of its discoverererer, a Greek by the name of Etenicles. Having angered the local king with his talk of his "fascinating" discovery, the King had him beheaded, causing him to cry "Arg".
    Dunx] I am so pleased that you posted just when I was only 10 short of filling the whole page with my own lies. Overjoyed. Honestly.
    Pleasure gained from the use of the Internet is directly proportional to the screen resolution used during such pursuit.
    Contrary to the view expounded by the 'big four' beer barons alcohol consumption does not make the world go round . . . . . and round . . . . . and round ...
    It has to be said that spoons are a really useful bit of kit........Edward Joshua Peasled Spooner I salute your best invention yet....And they come in plastic now! How wonderful,,,,
    [Tuj] I thought you had finished.
    Mary Poppins did not refer to a spoonful of sugar as first thought. She was in fact considering the primitive form of angel dust/pcps. Notice how it makes the 'medicine go down' a mellow ride. It wasn't aimed at crack cocaine, since the first reaction of that obviously is an incredible high. They would have had to revise the song, 'a spoonfull of powder, helps the medicine shoot up.' And there would have been the further need of additional songs, like.. We have a boe for the dog.. giver her to me. That would have been a better song than feed the birds, tuppence a bag. I have never met any pros lately going for tuppence, and my old man says, there werent any slappers for tuppance back in his days either
    In thailand, there are 3 million tax payers. There are 1.5 million hookers. The sex industry pays a further 4 million people in indirects.. totally earning 20 billion USD a year.. If slappers here were tuppance a go, and you could harnasse the energy expended, you could replace oil as the worlds energy resource. If you could store it, there would be electricity for all. Please send a letter to Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra to back up this suggestion.
    Thailand has no welfare state.. so, the government don't tax the hookers, and let the money go straight through the love tunnel from buyer to source. Parts of northern Thailand now resemble Switzerland and Germany.. and that applies to the population as well.
    I have descovered that car windows can be easily demisted with a jam sandwich.
    Car windows are made of compressed pepper.
    My car has no windows.........or doors or an engine, it is infact a Fredrick Murgotroyd perambulatory device (aka) a skate board...........FMP, its the only way to travel (apart from all the other ways of course!)
    I have deduced by painful self experimentation that pepper spary does not make a good substitute for aftershave lotion, it does however, taste great with pizza and chips!
    spary is the dyslexic form of spray...........I rest my cesa
    I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
    People are rich when they've got lots of money. People are poor, when they've spent it... on donations to the conservative party.
    I like to wear odd socks. Today's are embroidered with a jaunty "Up With Bush" slogan.
    If you can hold your breath for six minutes, you will have beaten that old habit.
    cheese has finally been proven by leading scienfitic research groups as the major source of familial upsets over the festive period. This Christmas, all UK supermarkets, including *a certain well-known UK supermarket chain*, have agreed to ban its sale to anyone looking moderately cheerful, as it will almost certainly spoil what might have otherwise been an excellent Noel.
    Am I wrong, is not Condoleeza Rice the sexiest woman alive?
    Italian Rolex at throw away prices. Impress with your new Rolex. Gift someone you love with a Rolex
    Dear Client of the National Westminister Bank,
    Whilst we update our systems, we earnestly urge you to provide your data by clicking on the link below otherwise your access will be blocked and all your account can be frozen.
    http://www.natwest.net/theftofyourmoney/mugs.stm
    We thank you for your cooperation.
    First Great Western trains have the interests of the customer at heart. (yes, I've been travelling again, and no, it wasn't a good experience.)

    Sir,
    This eez a genuine letter from the former head of the Treasury of the East African state of Umbongoland. Terrible tradgey has hit our mighty country as we are now being ruled by a cruel dictator –. Before this evil man took power from our glorious Presidente I managed to divert $12m from our vaults for the use of our freedom fighters. Not is it possible for me to pay to my bank account of my own, so it is with gratitude I am asking for access to your credit card so we may liberate the money. In return of this gratious deed I agree for you to keep 10%. Please send detrail to: Wewill Conju at my temporary offices – Expresso Comfort Inns, PO Box 123, Nigeria.
    8mm plywood makes a yummy alternative to cardboard as a sandwich filling in emergency culinary situations....Jamie Oliver makes a good alternative "Twat" when the guest chef you booked to cook your dinner party fails to turn up!
    I have just returned from seeing my local doctor about a small problem which has been bothering me for years. When I left he was still on the floor laughing.
    I understand my wife.
    Skip bins are wonderful things, especially when you have about 10 tonnes of 'stuff' to move and they drop it at the top of your 1:4 driveway. This is also a great way to keep fit and in no way manner or form will threaten your wellbeing.
    It is a great day to be a fox, is it not?
    This is a message from the Central Line information centre - London Underground is happy to announce that a good service is being operated across all lines this morning. Click.
    Have you any gadgets in your sock drawer missus?
    Why are people suprised that we are having frosts and "cold spells" at this time of year...........This is Manchester not Manila!!!!! Its supposed to be cold at this time of year. I blame it on the namby pamby winters of the last 10 years making people soft. I'm glad that the government have finally realised that winters should be cold, its nice to see them getting something right for once....................................
    Because some twit in the Bureau of Meteorology pressed the wrong conversion button it snowed in Sydney yesterday, even though the temperature was 31°C.
    Travel on public transport is proven to be an effective cure and/or preventative against headaches
    The way to tell the difference between stalagmites and stalctites: stalagmites are all Scorpios, whereas stalactites are all Jewish.
    *bing bong* "First Avon and Somerset are pleased to inform all bus passengers within the Bath city area that all drivers will now be pleased to accept bus passes in any condition, no matter how battered or dogeared. That is all." (click)
    Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop] . . .Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]...Thank you for calling . . . your call is important to us, you are held in a queue and will be answered shortly . . . [girl from ipanema 20 second loop]........ click, "Hello, customer ser...click ooooooooooooooo
    My presentation tomorrow will go just swimmingly. [/lie] Sir H, have you been on the phone to O2? [lie]
    If I leave for that meeting at 05:30 - I'll miss the queues on the M25 [Nights] Yes!
    The Nile is not a river in Egypt.
    My presentation this morning went terribly. ^_^ [/lie] [Sir H] lucky guess, being a customer myself. [lie]
    The Nile is a device used in Birmingham to secure two pieces of wood together.
    ........ just a little thing but . . .
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    I live in a tree
    And nobody loves me!
    [Tuj] I've sent you a tear drenched tissue via e-mail. I do hope that it doesn't clog up the system.
    Having only ever owned manually driven vehicles and wishing to keep up with current technology I decided the other day to try an automatic. They aren't.
    Every seventh summer, all colours of the spectrum rotate one to the left (red becoming orange, orange becoming yellow, etc.). Adapt your wardrobe accordingly - preferably light cottons and knits. bonus points for spotting the quote - I'd love it if someone got it.
    I never get anything......No I tell a lie I once got measles...........
    and I'm dyslexic
    [Dujon] Message received, message decoded and acted upon. And I've donated a sample of your DNA to the authorities...
    [penelope] The clinic phoned - they want to see you as well.
    Any lifetime guarantee.
    Its sad but true, Frosties are not made from frost!!!
    Erm... I think you'll find they are.
    now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.
    A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.
    Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.
    No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
    News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.
    compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.
    Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.
    Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.
    Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.
    All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.
    (fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)
    If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.
    Chocolate chips are best enjoyed with salt, vinegar, and a rich Hollandaise sauce.
    Ratatouille has been banned in six cities in the western United States because rats are anything but twee.
    Achilles could have been saved after the ultimately fatal blow to his heel, excpet that Paris would give him his plaster.
    I've been listening to the new radio station Philosophy FM, whose motto is "All Aristotle, all the time". Obviously it is targetting the ancients. There is a sister station, Psycho Babble AM, which is targetting the Jung crowd.
    I love testing.
    The rich seam of comedic potential just struck by Dunx's latest lies did nothing to tickle my funny bone.
    Historians and thespians alike were dismayed to discover that Shakespeare’s first theatre was a globe artichoke.
    The middle name of the current President of the United States is Warehouse.
    [Tuj: I think you're confusing him with Nixon.]
    Hurricane - I don't think so Mrs - leave the weather forecasting to us experts!
    I'd just like to say that it wasn't me!!!!!!!!
    Blocked drains can be cleared simply by playing them a recording of You'll Never Walk Alone played by a professional banjo orchestra
    The St Winifred's School Choir are not allowed within forty feet of inflammable materials by order of a Barnsbury court.
    If you close your eyes and swallow a plectrum in St Paul's Cathedral you will receive a night-visitation from Jimi Hendrix within the next forty minutes.
    I was so glad to read that the dollar is shrinking. I thought it was just that I'd forgotten to take them out of the pocket of my jeans before washing.
    I just spent a couple of minutes simply standing outside the door of my workshop. The sky was blue with a few fluffy white clouds floating around. The birds, whilst jumping around in the trees, were relatively quiet and the traffic noise was almost non-existent. A zephyr was playing touch with the leaves of the trees and the temperature about 24°C. In the distance I could hear the sound of someone mowing their lawn. I hate this time of year.
    McDonalds have been forced to drop McLapin aux Headlights from their menu in the United States owing to the recent outbreak of "Peeved Weasle" disease. It was at first thought that the domestic groundhog could be substituted, but Burger King sued as groundhog is apparently the secret ingredient in the Burger King Croissandhog™. Rather than get into a protracted fight over the rights to free-range rodents, McDonalds Corp. decided to concentrate on their new range of healthy pan-fried iguana dishes.
    I maintain at all times a calm, confident, cheerful state of mind.
    the reason I moved to Bath from the West Midlands is highly secret and not to be divulged under any circumstances (tax reasons). bother.
    All pocket lint in all pockets world wide is one multifasceted yet single concioused superentity.
    "Ferrule" can spelt in fourteen different ways, many of them utilising just the first six letters of the Cyrillic alphabet.
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    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord