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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Grass purrs when you mow it.
That Rooney kid - what a plank!
Shrek escaped from Hollywood and is now taking international football by storm.
I am devstated that the European cup has come round again and that I have to eat handfuls of Doritos just to ensure an England victory.
Leaky football? A large dollop of peanut butter makes an ideal substitute.
There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.
My friend Doormatt invented the skip with steps (so you can get out of it easily).
I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.
I invented the preposition fishing rod, but it never caught 'on'.
I invented a canvas house for mothers but I couldn't get a patent.
I invented a new spaceship but it never got off the ground.
I invented the birthday.
I also patented monarchy, but they refuse to pay me royalties... Groan
I patented the keyboard. Pay up.
I invented non-stick glue.
I invented the joke about the toothless budgerigar, but it didn't succeed.
I invented a machine for human cloning but since then everyone's copied me.
I invented the hat. Top that!
I invented a double-entendre machine, but the knob kept coming off in my hand.
I invented an instant English-to-Spanish translator, but Πήρα τη γλώσσα λανθασμένη.
With the adept use of 8 shaving mirrors and 1 clothes mirror, I can view the scene outside of my bed room window while making a cup of tea in the kitchen! I am a nosey neighbour!!!
I invented nipple creep to undermine ZK.
I invented the internet.
Angus Prune, thou art yet a child.
And so am I, if it comes to that.
I'm so old, I was born in black and white.
I invented the boneless chicken, it's over there in that bucket.
I invented binary. -1!
I invented the binary -1, and shelves.
i invented a propetual motion machine but couldent keeb the thing running for more than five minuts.
I invented a robot that doesn't work in order to give the unemployed a break.
I've got a luvverly buch of coconuts ....
OK - maybe I meant 'bunch'
I've got a luvverly Buch of coconuts, which I picked up in Bonn from a man who bore a striking resemblance to Terry Jones.
It is a little known fact that Terry Jones is actually Aled Jones's dad.
...and his mother is Catherine Zeta Jones.
Catherine was, of course, the Jones's sixth child.
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