arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
arrow_circle_up
The adjectival phrase "lip-smacking" is to be banned on the grounds that it encourages lip abuse.
Nature has yet to determine its emotional response to my personal vacuum.
Petit pois are a euphemism in Brazil.
I have a pet worm, and I have named him Willy. I often stretch my Willy between two lamp-posts when the wind is blowing strongly. When the wind hits the right resonant frequency, my Willy starts to vibrate, creating a tuneful humming noise that can be heard for miles around. My worm is safely at home whenever I do this.
[Btd] That was the most boring, unfunny post I've read in months. Don't ever come in this room again.
In Spain there is a Juan born every minute.
Thos] Rubbish.
Two-fofths of me is unsure what the rest is doing. I sleep in a hutch.
I am my own maternal grandmother.
"At-choo!" means "Suck me, Titus" in Mediaeval French.
My legs have recently declared themselves independent and are now host to a UN peacekeeping force
Frosties are coated in cocaine.
There are absolutely no problems with our pantomime.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
ZK never, ever, eats Frosties.
[ZK] You are Angus Deayton and I claim my 5¢
Snowmen keep the world spinning because they all breath out in the same direction.
When you lean over and peer between your legs west becomes east.
The centre of Earth is comprised of compressed yeast. This is where life originated.
Back flips will damage your health. Ask any politician.
The monarchy of any country guides its citizens with care, understanding and, above all, leadership by example.
Tyrants are good, monopolies are better.
Flying the Jolly Roger shows that you are a fine person - anorexia sufferer or otherwise.
Laotropic means left of the Equater. But surely it depends on which way your facing at the time???
Manx cats have not tails but tell great stories!
Ironically bungalows have no storeys, but are some of the worst raconteurs known to achitecture. Apparently their delivery is too flat and they are prone to stairing.
I once shared my Frosties with Angus Deayton, which was a very peculiar experience. All I remember of it now is the sudden appearance of Tom Parker-Bowles wearing nothing but an iguana, which promptly had its head eaten off by Ozzy Osbourne. All parties concerned have reliably informed me this was true, even the iguana. I found that just plain confusing.
Iguanas are often mistaken for small children and adopted by childless couples in Guam.
So was I, once.
I invented the letter X. I had some help from Al Gore, but he could only come up with the letter Z. Meanwhile, the Republicans invented W.
The parcel shelf in John Prescott's 2nd Jag is made from strips of human skin flayed from Peter Mandelson's back using a steel whip.
I invented the letter ð, but only the Icelanders were brave enough to use it.
Dutch was invented by an Austrian chef with a severe head-cold.
I recently bent a barman's ear but a panel beater has sorted all that out.
Bent barman's ears are an aphrodisiac, recently popularised by Sex In The City.
I did not go to bed at seven PM yester eve because a good book and a lie down was more attractive than the pap being served up on 'the box'.
Yesterday, I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Beds are sinful.
Sins aren't bedful.
I have, for the last umpteen years, been trying to find what I like in bedding.
I do not mind that I appear to be the only person on the internet at this hour.
There is no delight in saying words such as 'icky', 'blancmange', 'feeble' or 'aardvark'.
[ZK] Nor "Wankel Rotary Engine".
Just for that, I'm gonna burn your house down.
When the first man climbed K2, he was somewhat annoyed to find a box on the summit containing some false eyelashes, a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover and a courgette.
< /lie>Apparantly, due to a miscalculation, K2 is taller than Everest. This has been strongly denied by the Nepalese, who would lose out on tourist revenue if it proved to be true.< lie>
The Great Wall of China is the only place on Earth where you can see the moon.
Inspiration is a process that can only be achieved in the presence of a satsuma, a bicycle chain and four turtle doves.
Croup can be cured by Whooping Cough.
Herring can also be cured by whooping cough.
K2 is short for Knightrider, the second series as David Hasselhoff is massively popular in alpine populations.[/lie]So, will K2 get a proper name sometime?[lie]
contary to popular belief, the good people of Chipping Sodbury do not use their anal tracts to carry gravel!!
Its true I am lysdexic
Chipping Sodbury's name is in no way humourous. Especially to Spevrend Rooner.
I have never wondered how on Earth Ramsbottom got its name.
I have often wondered how to tie my shoelaces while in Ramsbottom.
Being rude, crude and vulgar is not a trait of MC posters.
I'm really happy that I just spent forty minutes filling in an online form, only to be told that my session had expired and that all my answers were then thrown away.
In a departure from normal tradition, I am having my ashes cast into the winds from the peak of Cader Idris prior to being cremated.
Ludwig van Beethoven suffered from a particularly bad case of gall stones, brought about by his habit of consuming a whole rockery each lunchtime.
This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect. This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect.
(Repetition commands aspect.)
Due to an obscure clause in extant colonial law, my aunt is giong to be buried in clarified butter.
My Aunt's name is "Pat".
Itis forbidden to scintillate in a built up area on a Monday, provided there are three churches of separate denominations within a radius of 100 furlongs.
Since the late 1960s, many people have preferred the fidelity of stereosodium glutamate.
[Thos] I know I do.
Hitting my sisters and going "Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother (etc)" in a high-pitched Hampstead squeak brings me no joy in life.
monosodium glutamate hasn't.
Have you ever wondered what your guinea pigs do while you are away at work? Ruth Maddock has the answer!
There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.
Damn you, Gnnxgu!
Tragically, King Midas was actually allergic to gold.
As this is post number 3,594,588,409,425, I qualify for a free choice from the sweet-trolley and the undivided attention of Natalie Imbruglia.
Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.
It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.
I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.
[Btd] I'd like to see that.
I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.
Gor'blimey trousers are made of lime.
Gor'blimey running shorts are made of quicklime.
Gor'blimey plumbers overalls are made of limescale.
Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.
You can shave with the pith of a lime.
Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".
Waxworks suffer very badly from runny noses in the Summer.
It is possible to recreate the Boer War with just a syringe and a pair of j-cloths.
If you can catch a ball with one hand, the chances are you can also compose The Messiah.
Your success at weight loss is inversely proportional to the number of yellow things in your house.
If everybody pointed at their location on a map simultaneously, the whole world would explode.
If everyone pointed at Luton simultaneously, Guatemala would cease to exist.
I am pointing at Luton right now, as I do every night at this hour.
Rice Crispies hold the eternal secrets to life.
Anadin never made anybody hyper.
Her Majesty the Queen had a surprise Christmas hit with the song "Easy Tiger" in 1952, although this record has sadly been forgotten. I found a copy of it in a vintage music store last Easter and plan to release a garage re-mix version next Monday. I at least guarantee that it will be better than "Mysterious Girl".
Sergei Prokofiev taught sewing, until he discovered how to compose music whilst humming along to very boring silent movies during the First World War, when there was a shortage of cinema pianists in Russia.
When taken as a suppository, strawberries have been found to cure gout.
Tigers prefer mango biscuits.
Tragically, Tony the Tiger is a diabetic.
"The Twelve Days of Christmas" is actually a skit written by a sarcastic bailiff.
Grapes think they're sooooo clever...
The Emperor Caligula made fairycakes and bred kittens, two special talents which he passed on to his nephew, Nero. Nero was very fond of ballet.
Greece is a myth invented by the Chinese.
Teatowels soaked in balsamic vinegar have been known to bring the deceased back to life.
Angora rabbits are actually sheep bred on wheatgrass, fabric softener and Daz.
Cabbage are a dying art. Each one is meticulously hand-crafted by 20 specially trained octopi, which is why they are such a delicacy in Bulgaria.
My hat, it has three corners. Hence it being my hat.
LaToya Jackson plans to be the first human being to circumnavigate the earth strapped to the blades of a helicopter.
The real Graham Norton is living as a nun somewhere in the depths of Walthamstow. Bizarrely, so are at least eight fake ones.
Contrary to popular belief, Jaffa Cakes are the windows to the soul.
Ironically, the largest growth industry in Tel Aviv is a line of Christian bookshops.
Not surprisingly, a Christian bookshop has opened up on the grave of Benjamin Disraeli.
Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.
Isreal is thinking of changing its name to Unreal and Palestine to Palestein.
Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.
Israel is changing its name to Laser-I and is going to become the largest optical surgery unit in the world.
Israel has found a new deity to worship and is changing its name to reflect this. Henceforth it will be known as Ra Isle.
Following the recent updating of homosexuality laws in various parts of Africa, many more merry men will now be saying Hello Sailer! (Deliberate bad spelling invoked)
Feng Shoe is the gentle Chinese art of bringing balance into your life by rearranging the bottom of the wardrobe.
Daleks get a frisson of pleasure if you say words like 'emphasise', 'portability', 'standardisation', 'correctness', 'proactive', 'security' and 'integrated-cryptography'. Daleks may self destruct if you use phrases such as 'binary emulation', 'multi-platforms' and 'UNIX-like operating systems'.
[Btd] </lie> Wouldn't that work best if applied to middle managers? <lie>
It is mathematically impossible to prove that butternut squash can exist in the same universe as leeks.
As a safety measure, all new space rockets must henceforth be fitted with stabilisers.
Soup is prone to hypochondria.
Bread rolls generally only suffer from hysteria, however.
Projoy] Daleks and middle managers have nothing in common.
After my waistline expanded to 48 inches, I sacked my middle manager. And my head waiter. And my footman come to that.
31 is the answer to The Universe, Everything and Life.
42, obviously is the answer to nothing but Gardening Sin? Mabulate this! (9 letters)
Yoghurt is the feeling one experiences after three hours of Pilates.
hey im david polson from stanly n.c. i luv it in the butt.I WILL SUCK YOUR BALLS OFF.ANYBODY BLACK THAT IS.FREAKY XXX FROM BLACK MEN IS WHAT I WANT.GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I WILL GO AWAY.
HEY ITS ME AGAIN I WANT A BLACK COCK TO PENETRATE MY LOOSE ASSHOLE.I HAVE BEEN GAY ALL MY LIFE ANY HOT GUYS OUT THERE FOR ME .I NEED A BIG ONE IN MY MOUTH AND MY ASS.IM LOOKING FOR MONSTER COCK .MY EX LOVER WOODY HAS A SMALL PENIS .I COULDNT EVEN FEEL THAT SHRIMP IN ME . SO IF YOU HAVE A BIG ONE CAN I PLEASE HOLD IT IN MY MOUTH IM JONESING FOR A HARD ONE .
HEY GUYS IM FROM STANLY .N.C. I NEED COCK LIKE CRACKHEADS NEED ROCK,I WILL SWALLOW YOUR LOAD I AM SERIOUS .SLICK THANKS FOR STICKING IT IN MY STANKHOLE. U TO DAMIEN LOCKRIDGE WE HAD FUN TOSSING EACH OTHERS SALAD.PECO MCCORCKLE I WANT U TO STICK ME AGAIN BABY BOY.WOODY ITS ALRIGHT IF U AND DAMIEN WANT TO KEEP SCREWING.I GUESS I WILL DIE GAY ,BUT I DONT WANT TO CHANGE I LUV BLACK COCK.
A high-ranking member of the Royal Family has been posting on this site under a pseudonym recently, but I won't tell you which one.
Damien Lockridge was my headmaster at Eton.
I see that the Very Reverend Dr David Polson has been at it again.
Cigarette adverstising was only banned in Britain after Dunhill tried to use the slogan "And all because the lady loves cork tips"
Sammy Sosa knows nothing about cork tips.
Everyone in Britain knows what that meant.
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord