mc5 - ... so help me God.

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... so help me God.

help

I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

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The Old English Sheepdog evolved from a prehistoric mop.

A wandering minstrel I, a thing of shreds and patches

Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?

Zooological Keeper

[AP] We really know our worth, the sun and I.

Zooological Keeper

I have nothing better to do.

I can dance.

I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.

I love modern dancing - one doesn't have to snuggle up to one's partner.

While sleeping I rise to a height of five hundred feet above sea level and slowly rotate above either Lincolnshire or Norfolk.

I have just given up being the centre of gravity. The job sucked.

I have just lost my job as a pornstar. It was a blow.

I have just given up being the rear spoiler on the McLaren F1 car... what a drag.

I have just given up stalking. A better job follows.

I've just decided to drive my car off the road. It was a career choice.

I used to work at a potato-packing plant, but I got the sack.

An Amazonian tribe has just recruited me. I was head hunted.

Still it is better than the job I had as a experimental patient for trainee proctologists. That was a pain in the arse.

I hate being a lion trainer, it bites.

Zooological Keeper

I used to like being Emperor of Rome, until I got stabbed in the back.

I want to get out of the calendar printing business, I reckon my days are numbered...

Zooological Keeper

I tried to quit my job as a beefburger, but I was foiled.

I used to love my job as a chip, because every day was fried day.

foiled again!)

I worked in a peach orchard. It was the pits.

I was one of Santa's elves, but I got the sack.

I used to be a butcher which, as you can imagine, was quite fulfilling - then they gave me the axe...

I made Spam, until they canned me.

I worked so hard at being a lift attendant that they gave me a rise.

For a while I worked in a lingere shop, but they gave me the pink slip.

I used to put peas in tins, 44 per tin. One day I got my pea 45.

I used to be a ritual circumciser, but one day I slipped and got the sack.

Zooological Keeper

I used to be a train conductor, but resigned when I realised I was going nowhere.

I used to be a trapeze artist until I was dropped.

I studied to be a florist, but my career was nipped in the bud.

I once had a job in a towel factory, but the company folded.

I used to work for Chidrens BBC in the 70's. I lost the job when I dropped a clanger.

I was going to be a historian, but realised that there was no future in it.

Zooological Keeper

I used to work in the Evian factory, but I lost my bottle.

Last summer I took up skydiving, but I didn't make it through the fall.

Then I took some courses to be a mortgage broker, but after a while I lost interest.

I used to be a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach

*it

I used to be a bacteriologist, but I couldn't take the strain.

I, too, had a banking job for a short time, but the manager said I lacked principle.

I was a vascular surgeon, but wanted to try something in a different vein.

I worked in a diet pill factory until I was downsized.

I used to work in a footwear shop until one day I got the boot.

I studied to be an airline pilot, but my career never got off the ground.

I was involved in cloning research...then I was made redundant.

I worked in a clearing house for dud cheques until I resigned.

I had a job making cannons for tanks until I was discharged.

I quit my job at Mountaineer Race Track & Casino ... too much Wheeling and dealing.

I used to make sausage...then one day I was sent packing.

I was a pool hustler until I was blackballed.

I was a fence-builder until I was shown the gate.

I used to be a mountain climber, but I quit in a fit of peak.

Zooological Keeper

I used to be a human cannonball, but they wouldn't fire me, so I lost my job. :)

I used to be a zooological keeper, but there were claws in my contract that led to my release.

I was hoping for promotion at the mail order apple seed company, but I was pipped to the post.

In desperation I took a job in a bakery. I just needed the dough.

I worked bottling natural water, but lost my job in the spring.

[Tina] But did you really knead the dough?

I lost my job as a medium when I went through a bad spell.

I used to drill for oil, but it got too boring.

Then I became a spy, but the work bugged me.

I also looked after a herd of deer, but the job paid badly. I didn't have two bucks to rub together.

[Boolbar] I'm sure the bucks wouldn't have appreciated being rubbed together either....
I used to be the gasman for a local stock car team, but that was the pits.

When I was in kennels, the company went broke and had to call in the retrievers.

I auditioned for the starring role in a documentary on a American quarterback-turned-politician, but I was rejected because of my un-Kemp appearence.

I used to be a dustman, but the job was rubbish.

Then I became a chef, but the job wasn't all it was cooked up to be.

[BtD] When I worked in kennels, I made such a mess of things they told me to go take a long walk.

Then I joined an athletics club, but I was so terrible at the field events, they told me to go take a running jump.

Back in high school, I was on the cross-country team until I was given my walking papers.

None of the above were hilarious. I hate them all. They are not classic online Mornington Crescent.
I used to work in a glue factory, but I couldn't stick with it.

On a similar line, I applied to be a lumberjack, but I just didn't cut it.

Zooological Keeper

I used to be a Spice Girl.

I used to be a drag queen, but I dropped out.

I worked in a spice factory, but couldn't cut the mustard.

I tried road paving once, but didn't make the grade.

I used to drive a cement lorry, but gave it up because I wanted something more concrete.

I became a partner in a building firm, but the other guy screwed me over and bolted.

I worked in a fireworks factory, but the work fizzled out.

Zooological Keeper

I used to be a terrible songwriter until I composed myself.

I was once going to be Chief Photographer for the local rag and was rather disappointed when the editor told me I was no longer in the picture.

I took up a job with a bra manufacturer but they went bust.

I tried to get work as a network security analyst, but I just couldn't hack it.

After that, I considered a job at Planters, but they make you work for peanuts.

[DrQ] "made redundant" -- brilliant!

I lost my job in meat refrigeration after the company I worked for relocated to the West Midlands and I was sent to Coventry and given the cold shoulder.

I was once a barker but I left of my own free will - it's a dog of a job.

I too worked under the big top, but it was a three ring circus.

I used to work for a removal firm, but I just felt boxed in.

I went on to be a chef, but they caught me cooking the books

So I moved on to take a couple of jobs in the circus, but I just couldn't keep juggling them all.

I then took up sports - tennis, basketball, squash etc, - but it was just too many balls in the air.

I tried working as a dream analyst, but it was just a nightmare.

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