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Give quotes that suggests the person would be better seeking more suitable employment.
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[Projoy] Well, if the game has become How to Get Fired as Quickly as Possible I'd suggest "I've soaked everything in petrol and put a match to it". :o)
The conventional view is that museums hold things of the past. Why don't we challenge that and build a museum of the present! An exhibition of the best of modern life: espresso machines, boy bands, and Jade Goody nude. And we'll never run out of space, when we throw out the new to make way for the newer.
I only broke it a little bit.
"I think embellishing some works with a marker pen makes them more accessible."
"Ooooh-la-la, my first order of business will be to gargle with lavoris, next I'll slap on a little cologne, and finally its off to reanimate old Queen Hatshepsut in her drab sarcophagus. Now, WHERE did I put that 'Do Not Disturb' sign?"
I don't know why the Greeks are so obsessed with marbles, but can't we pay them off with a few bags of aggies?
Listing all these civilizations by name is racist, and separating the artifacts into so-called "cultures" only demonstrates outdated tunnel-visioned stereotyping.
During the Christmas holidays I decide to re-order everything according to colour and size. So much tidier, don't you think?
Congratulations Madame. You are our 100,000th visitor and so you will be allowed to take home any exhibit in the museum.
*stumble* Oops.
That statue has a penis showing! Bring me the chisel!
*guffaw* [wiping away tears of mirth]
Was that a passing museum curator?
I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.
The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?
[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?
What this place needs is an exhibition called "Jade Goody Nude".
In honour of a teetotal friend of mine: sommelier
An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!
We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.
My I remind Sir that even your fat and rather rotund form that three glasses of this fine and excellent wine will still make you too pissed to drive.
Don't worry about any sediment, sir, I gave the bottle a good shake on the way to your table.
I recommened the Carlsberg Top, sir.
With respect, sir has neither the taste to appreciate the wine that sir is indicating, nor, to judge by sir's off-the-peg suit, the wallet to pay for it. May I suggest that sir sticks to the house red instead of getting ideas above himself?
Excellent choice, madam. Would you like some lime with that?
A trade secret I'll share with you sir: if the bottle's a funny shape the wine's even better!
Before you taste this wonderful vintage sir, there is just the matter of the health and safety risk assessment questionnaire just a formality, only take ten minutes of your time. Now is sir left or right handed?
It's from somewhere in Germany.
Hang on, let me guess... is it red?
Certainly. And would you like a glass or a straw?
You can tell a lot from the label, sir. For example, this one says 'Tesco 2.99', well, that's frankly piss.
Another inside tip, sir - the second-cheapest wine on the menu always gives the best value for money.
The best vintages can be found in TetraPakTM boxes.
"Catch!"
Personally, I'd rather have a pint.
It's called Chateau Lafite because it smells of feet.
Of course, the best wines come from the North East of England.
Of course, drinking alcohol means you go straight to hell, but if you must, why not have the very best and make it worth being drowned in boiling oil for countless aeons?
Igor, fetch the BIG corkscrew! *leer*
Struggling to choose? Tell us your options and we can mix them all up together.
Bottle or draught?
Water or ice?
Rare or Well Done?
The vintage? Wednesday, I think. Hang on, I'll check the box.
It's made from grapes, isn't it?
It's good for a gargle.
It is sweetened with the very best antifreeze.
Shall I be mother?
Swallow a mouthful, wait five minutes, then pee in the bucket. If the pee has the same bouquet as the wine, your kidneys aren't working.
If you want to impress your companion you need to order a wine at least three times as expensive at that one.
If Sir doesn't make his bleedin' mind up, Sir will find a corkscrew has numerous uses.
I have to say that this Champagne goes particularly well with a pack of Mentoes.
The best thing for removing red wine stains, sir, is somellier urine.
Oops! that should be *sommelier*
Of course the French praise their wine. Anything tastes good after eating that much garlic.
May I suggest a new occupation to target? A relationship counsellor
If I were you I'd dump the bastard.
Huh! You think you've got problems?
Come straight in, and sit down please. No talking. Face the front, I said No Talking! it's no good looking at me like that me laddie, me boy, I saw that, right! arms folded both of you. Now!
Hm, actually, you're both pretty fit. How about a threesome?
"Today we will explore role reversal in the bedroom and in preparation I have procured costumes for each of you. I would like for you madame to strap on this cumbrous prosthetic appendage, and for you sir I have a maidenform mangina. In addition, if neither of you will object I would like to tape this session for quality purposes." ............. i know i know i'm outa here already!"
So stay together or split already. Next!
You've got a cracking pair of tits.
OK, you call - heads you stay together, tails you split up.
If you're here, your relationship's broken down. So you already know what to do next, don't you? If you're looking for advice on splitting the assets, don't ask me, see a lawyer.
Well, as we know, most relationship problems are invariably the woman's fault...
Have you been seeing another counsellor behind my back?
In any relationship, one person has to be in charge. So just decide which of you wears the collar and which holds the leash.
Wherever you are, that's exactly where you want to be, or you wouldn't be there. Whatever you're doing is exactly what you want to be doing, otherwise you wouldn't be doing it. There is nothing to fix and no problem to solve. That will be £300.
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