...copyright statement. I must say I was rather surprised by all this, because, as you know, I've always thought of myself as Mrs Trellis, but suddenly I realised she was my...
...violence from the director of this reality TV show when he, and a few heavies, burst onto the set demanding why I was messing up his Chrysanthemum show. I managed to escape by...
...offering my sexual service to all six of them, and then when they collapsed into an exhausted heap, I took the director's car keys and drove away in...
..his Lamborghini. I was very impressed by the gear shift although the engine pinked a bit when I was driving down the M6 at 20 mph. I noticed that I had spilt some chutney on the white leather seats and while I was trying to clean it off I ran into the back of..
lottery scratch card (which, miraculously (or, at the very least, fortuitously) gave him an instant win of £10,000) he, no long needing to sell me his set of encyclopaedias, very generously gave them to me for nothing. I opened a volume at random and was amazed when my eye lighted on the entry titled...
...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...
custody desk, knocking his tea over onto the charge sheet and thus obscuring the reason for my arrest - I was free to go! Well, after all that adventure, you can imagine I was ready for ...
... a meaningless sexual encounter. Not surprisingly, I failed to achieve that, so immediately turned my thoughts towards a potential money-spinning project which entailed matching B-List celebrities and their favourite soft furnishings for yet another reality TV show. Well, I'd got as far as Dale Winton coupling with a Tyrolean sheepskin rug, when .....
...they turned into a giant talking banana, so I chatted with him for a few minutes before losing consciousness completely. When I woke up, I discovered that I was, in fact, in...
s..s...stuttered, realising that the farmer had divested ladies knickers, a kind of Freudian slip I supposed. Remembering I'd brought my 80-litre capacity handbag with me, I...
... the little demons find them really comfortable. Realising I stole that part of the plot from an episode of 'Strange', I decided to get on with and legged it across the plantation, pursued by...
...three alarmingly large men and an enormous buffalo. Suddenly I skidded to a sudden stop, incredibly handy as I had just reached the edge of a cliff. There was nothing I could do but...
diplodocus, who wasn't having any of that! I thought I was surely doomed, and my life started to flash before my eyes. It made me wonder at the amount of Walnut and Grasshopper chutney in...
...existence throughout history, and whether if you drew a graph of it there would be some sort of trend I could exploit and make money from. Anyway, meanwhile the diplodocus...
...having now forgotten my existence, proceeded to emerge onto dry land. Disembarking, I found myself on a wild, verdant beach and so with nothing better to do, I set off hoping to find something useful to engineer my return. It was not long after that I stumbled across a laboratory rat of some kind; tied to its back was...
... CONGRATUALTIONS!!! YOU HAVE WON SIXTY MILLION BILLION QUID!!!!!! To claim your prize phone 0898 69 69 69, Calls charged at £9.99 per second and last for at least ten hours.. Well I wasn't silly enough to fall for that ploy so instead I......
realised that the rat was clearly from the future so I ran after it quickly. Everything started to look odd..the sun seemed to move faster and it rapidly became cold and dark. Moonrise occurred even more swiftly and day followed on again, until all around me was a blur. I felt so dizzy that I fell and...
...crashed out of the temporal slipstream tunnel (for that is what my good friend Prof Hawking later said that it was) and hit my head against something stone. When I came to, I found that I was now in...
..a card shop, there was bound to be one somewhere, every high street is crammed with them from end to end. What a price birthday cards are, €732.99. I looked up at the clock in the shop and realized that I had fallen through the temporal warp and emerged in the future. It was 2005 and everything in the shop was marked in prices in a strange currency. I ...
...decided to look around and find out as much as possible to use when I went back to my own time so that I could make a fortune. I found a library down a dingy backstreet and...
...was rather perturbed to meet a large uniformed man holding a machine gun. "Your papers!" he demanded, so I gave him a copy of the Daily Mail which I happened to have handy (so absorbent!), but it obviously didn't fool him because he...