...Chutney, Walnut and Grasshopper. Infuriated at its failure to mention me at any point, I threw the encyclopaedia across the cell, and it struck the guard on the side of the...

custody desk, knocking his tea over onto the charge sheet and thus obscuring the reason for my arrest - I was free to go! Well, after all that adventure, you can imagine I was ready for ...

... a meaningless sexual encounter. Not surprisingly, I failed to achieve that, so immediately turned my thoughts towards a potential money-spinning project which entailed matching B-List celebrities and their favourite soft furnishings for yet another reality TV show. Well, I'd got as far as Dale Winton coupling with a Tyrolean sheepskin rug, when .....

... I found Graham Norton underneath the rug. Needless to say, the two were most pleased with the occurrence, but the producers ....

...felt that Mr. Norton's presence tarnished the wholesome image of their show. I was taken into...