Today is a good day for long journeys by unicycle and conversations with women called Thora, preferably both at once. Mars is in the third house, so you may come into a small sum of Estonian Krooni -- don't spend them all at once or you risk a terrible headache on Friday morning. Avoid the colour taupe and fourteen-year-old boys with broken arms.

With Saturn being retrograde this month, you can look forward to long weekends filled with nothing but the sound of burst pipes and fallen walls as your loved ones play with the power tools they got last week. Make sure to cut root vegetables perpendicular to the nearest leyline or next Tuesday is liable to see your dry cleaning ruined. Kaolin is your lucky clay.

You love being the centre of attention. You are big-hearted and charismatic but also, regrettably, deep down, very very stupid. You have absolutely no tact whatsoever. People laugh at you when your back is turned. Next Thursday, someone will ask you what you think of Alison in accounts and your answer will cause considerable offence.

Today is the only day this week when pressing buttons at random will give you a free coffee from the canteen coffee machine, but unfortunately it will be flavoured with blackberry syrup. Otherwise, an uneventful day marked only by the passing of a trio of hearses in front of your house at 4:22pm, although you won't notice since you will be at work. Violins should be avoided until at least eightish.

I'm sorry, I just couldn't be bothered. It's all just bull anyway. Phone 0901020202 to give me more money.

Born under the 13th sign of the Zodiac, your intrinsic ability to get everything wrong will come to fruition on the fourth Saturday of the month, when you would have won a double roll-over jackpot if you had bought a lottery ticket.

Ophiuchus really is the thirteenth sign of the Zodiac, and you are therefore almost unbearably pedantic and self-righteous. That might get you into trouble today if you choose to defend a version of Hegelian idealism in an argument with the man in an orange fright wig and a polka-dotted tie at the bus stop this afternoon, because he will unexpectedly turn out to be Alain de Botton in disguise. Your lucky salamander is the olm.

Today, there are unseen powers that could be either working in your favour or not. Combat that sense of nervousness and uteer gullibility by investing in Uncle Korky's Almanac 2004, available from all good booksellers. Your Lucky Heather will be outside Hollywoods nightclub at 3am, well tanked-up and looking for fun. Your Unlucky Doris, however, will be just inside your front door with a rolling pin and a bad attitude. Don't look up tomorrow - whatever you do!

Today you can be certain that mysterious people are not following your every action. However it is also a good day for following the every action of other Librans

Your fiery temper will be put to the test this week as you seem to be in demand to sort out other's failures in matters of taste. Don't spread yourself too thinly - you're at your most effective in short bursts and applying yourself to a long drawn-out matter will only weaken your effectiveness.

Uranus is in ascension so you should think about losing weight. Starting your own badger grooming business could ease your financial stress. Don't blow situations out of proportion, just use dynamite instead. Travel will get you places. Beware anyone who offers you a custard cream.

Be abstemious at lunch today. A heavy meal and one Baby Cham too many could see you nodding off at your desk during the afternoon, and when you wake up the world will have been invaded by alien pod people. On no account let them assimilate you!

Dental floss plays a significant part in your day, when you turn up to work and find a job lot sitting on your desk obscuring your computer. Meanwhile, your spouse is in a sticky situation with a randy clergyman over the local nativity play, while your children decide to go exploring at the local substation with hilarious consequences. Your lucky amusingly-shaped root vegetable is a breast-like beetroot.

You may feel like metastasising today, but hang on! If you wait just one more day, then your host will have got through their annual medical with a clean bill of health, and you'll be able to grow all over the place without fear of being noticed until it's too late. Your lucky tumour is non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

You will be sentenced to 10-20 today. Stabbing your barrister outside the courtroom might be your only picker-upper all day. Don't forget your toothbrush and soap-on-a-rope. Your lucky cellmate is 'Toine.

Tomorrow is a good day for stopping and thinking, which is a pity since your lack of activity will result in the destruction of the known universe by your arch enemy.

Your long striving for pop music success will finally bear fruit this evening at about 7:36pm when you will perform "Day Drem Believer" at your favourite karaoke bar and remember almost 70% of the lyics. The applause will be enthusiastic but sparse. Next time, remember to invite more relatives.
just bringing in another astrological tradition since we've kind of done the Zodiac

Today is a great day for sea-goats ! You will get a date for the excision of your ingrowing toenail, you will find a faience brooch in your cutlery drawer, and you will see a vision of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in TESCO's car park. Avoid butter until Tuesday however. Your lucky electronic component is the electrolytic capacitor.

Today is a good day. After a siege of eight months, you will finally capture the city of Saguntum, thereby breaking the Ebro River treaty, and precipitating the Second Punic War. Your best bet is to march into Gaul, before assembling a force of war elephants and attacking Rome from over the Alps. Avoid Libyssa. Your lucky presocratic is Heraclitus.

You have an abundance of caring of other people, share this gift with those that seek the pleasure of work. Do not clean up after yourself today, others shall take enjoyment from tidying your unruly mess and washing your most honourable dirty cups. Their industry will bring you tranquility of enlightenment.

Today is a good day to die.

Life is never smooth. The chunky texture of your life right now has a vinegary aftertaste which may not be to your liking. However, rest assured there will be a sweet taste of success, which is sure to be yours to relish at leisure once you have managed to get the lid off. Just don't look too closely at the label.

Before you go, remind too distant exterior on a leg you of it that you receive, in order to backwards finally culminate. They saved the premium for the end, and is it maintains ages. Begin the music and observe their might those have written to dance. Passion? Luck? Novel? Not, not really.

P.S. GET 42% OFF the NEXT Harry Potter book when you order your personnel Astrology of profiles.

You will be the butt of forty-eight distinct jokes made by fellow musicians, at least two of whom shall be trombonists. You shall then get together with three of your number, get into a mini and drive in the direction of the nearest cliff. Having overshot, someone on the cliff edge will shout "You could have got five of them in easily".

Today is a good day to follow your chosen star. Be prepared for a walk in the park, the bush by the southern entrance will provide ample cover. Should there be shopping, beware of cameras and security. It has been a week since you last made contact, make up for lost time send three cards and phone twice. Tommorrow the police will come for you after breakfast.

This card speaks of dark secrets and vicious rumour. Looks like it's true about Mr Fisher, then -- right there in the cafeteria, apparently! Probably best to eat elsewhere today.

You will be involved in a ferocious bidding war today, but ten pence really is too much for the Mills & Boon so I'd let Mrs Tinker have it if I were you. Mind the loose paving stone on the way out of the church hall, though - you don't want to go ruining your new tights with only having worn them a week! Do pop in to see Mr Hedges at the butcher's; he's got a nice Cumberland sausage in this week, or so he says. I thought he was from Manchester.

Hmm, I knew there was a reason I preferred Earl Grey.

You will encounter an elevated, unlit newcomer, plunge in fondness and live contentedly ever subsequently.

Caramac is ascending in Starbucks this evening, and so you should expect to read your own obituary in The Times. You will have an unaccountable craving for Weetabix at 3:10 pm. Your lucky condiment is mustard.

Your phrenological review indicates substantial external bruising in the areas of 'self esteem' and 'kindness' by an unknown assailant whilst you wait for the No57, which will be late for the second time this week and its only Wednesday, while you are reading thi....

When you are woken by the bus driver you will have lost 10 minutes, your mobile phone and your bus fare home. Enjoy the walk.

Today you will face destruction by Mumm-Ra for the thirtieth tedious time. Working close with a friend or loved one will bring the battle-tank into play at just the right time. Be mindful of wily-kit who might lead wily-kat astray and into a dangerous situation. Snarf. Your lucky ability is being able to run very fast indeed.

You can try the best you can, the best you can is good enough. You're living in a fantasy world. Take the money and run. You can keep the furniture. Where'd you park the car? Cut the kids in half. Everyone wants to be your friend. I think you're crazy, maybe. Stop sending letters, letters always get burned. When i am king you will be first against the wall, with your opinion which is of no consequence at all. Ambition makes you look very ugly. Breathe keep breathing, don't lose your nerve. There are doors that let you in and out, but never open. But they are trapdoors that you can't come back from. Ambition makes you look very ugly.

Another rather predictable month. You will hurtle through space, orbiting a giant ball of gas. You will continue to be composed of Hydrogen and Helium, have a density of 0.69 g/cm³ and remain surrounded by rings composed of thousands of water ice particles. Later this week you will move into Capricorn, but it's unlikely you'll feel the benefit.

With Harold Jenkins moving into the House of Janice Smith, you'll find yourself assailed by meteors from the Perseid Shower. There might be some minor impacts on your northern pole, but it seems unlikely that your orbit will be significantly altered. More significant is next week, when Harold Jenkins will come into conflict with Mr Perkins at work - look out for a glancing encounter with Ceres, leading to a definite change of pace as you change orbit to several degrees off the ecliptic! Obviously things will be a bit quiet after that for a few thousand years, although induced precession in your orbital pattern after a near approach to Jupiter will presage a fiery death in Earth's upper crustal zone, incidentally bringing to an end the lives of all the descendents of Harold Jenkins.

You might want to cancel the milk.

I see the mists clearing and a shape emerges. No, make that two shapes. They are becoming clear. You will accosted by a gnu. Its name is Herbert. The other shape is a horse, called Sean. It is a nice gnu, not to be confused with the German battleship the Gneisenau, sister ship to the Scharnhorst, not to be confused with Sean Horse, which is your horse. There will be buttercups.

Today is another good day for wearing red dungarees.

With the alligators approaching the House of the Rising Sun and Thatcher still in the House of Lords, now is the time to decide if you really should have those vegetables nasally inserted. Beware of Gnus, they will want to explain monetary union to you. Your lucky dwarf is 'Sneezy'.

You're about to hit a sticky patch, but don't let it give you the pip. No matter how heated the situation, don't let it make you boil over or there'll be a real mess on the stove top. Things will soon settle down. Just remember to keep the lid on your emotions, otherwise you'll find a layer of mould when you next come to stick your finger in the jar. Congestion will ease.

Y-O-U-R--R-U-S-T--H-E-A-P--O-F--A--C-A-R-S--S-E-R-V-I-C-E-- A-N-D--M-O-T--A-R-E--D-U-E--T-O-D-A-Y--I-T-W-I-L-L-F-A-I-L--T-H-E--M-O-T--T-H-E--B-I-L-L --T-O-C-A-R-R-Y--O-U-T--T-H-E--R-E-P-A-I-R-S--W-I-L-L --B-E--F-O-R--F-I-V----- S-T-O-Q-P--P-U-L-K-L-I-N-G--T-G-H-E--P-P-O-I-N-S-T-E-R

This week your output will be distinctive, spread, as ever across eight national digital TV services and eleven radio networks. For more specific predictions, see here

An inauspicious date at the best of times, today it is compounded by Saturn ascending and the Black Cat Convention that is currently visiting town. Consequently, all the sorrows you have ever known are as nothing to the woes that await you if you leave the house. I recommend barricading yourself in the bedroom and quaking in terror under the covers until dawn tomorrow. It's not guaranteed to save you, but trust me: anything else will be much, much worse.

You will find yourself appointed Lord Chancellor. Or possibly not. You will not take on the job of Speaker in the House of Lords, or possibly you will for a bit. You will also be responsible for the Scotland Office and the Welsh Office, which will also be abolished, except they won't, and you won't be responsible for them. Well, you might manage their old staff. You won't be head of the judiciary either. Well, OK, you could be.

You will start from Pembroke Dock punctually and call at all stations to Narberth punctually. Proceeding at a slow pace, you will then stop for no particular reason in the bit of countyside between Llannelli and Swansea. The train conductor will cite 'Operational Difficulties'. There will be a cow on the line near Baglan which will take much shooing from a signalman before the train is allowed to proceed. The buffet will run out of sandwiches just prior to Brigend, will close at Newport and will not reopen until Yatton having been restocked at Bristol Temple Meads. Someone will get their luggage stuck in the doors at Weston Super Mare. Your lucky platform number is three.

Today you will be indecisive. Don't rush around, just take it easy but do cut corners. Stick to the middle of the road and ignore other people. You will give off confusing signals to others but don't worry about that. You may see some signs on your travels, but they don't apply to you. Lucky gear, second.

You will spend much of today hanging around in a playpen, wearing a nappy. Eating, sleeping, excreting, belching and manually and orally investigating stuff around you figure large in your chart. A particularly good day for dribbling.

Whilst in general you tend to the vegetarian side of living, because of your size/tendencies/general demeanour you can unwittingly turn underlings into mincemeat. Watch out for the solstice as this is when you stretch things to the ultimate. Advice: keep your head down and don't put your neck on the block.

Today sees you with a chance to exert your influence in the office. With large files in the ascendcy due to important report writing and space on the server diminishing be ready for network problems and loss of data by users. ‘P’ could be very useful in showing your worth over that computer. Relationships with your top will become strained due to over indulgence in playing hide and seek. Awareness of your surroudings is urged late in the afternoon when large quantites of paper appear on the on the desk. The absence of your top over a sustained period of time will make your ball point dry up and work intermittently. Be prepared for a short journey to the under desk bin, the top will follow after the apple core and banana skin.

Travel figures largely in your stars today but avoid vessels called Titanic. You will not grow much larger than a king-size snickers but dont let this put you off becoming a talentless millionaire.

You're in the public eye again, sitting proudly head and shoulders above almost every man at Ascot. There are opportunities galore for being spattered by horse dung while bobbing up and down on top of television presenters babbling impenetrably about furlongs, paddocks and stakes. The numbers 62, 35 and 7-2 Favourite will hold power. Travel to Dubai is possible, but prepare to be returned to the hire shop or sold to pay off debts within the next few days.

Yea you have toiled hard these five days past. Reward thyself this thine sixth day and let your time be sacred only unto yourself. Enjoy all that has been created in your name and make peace with thy sun for it is good to behold in all its glory, and in its glory lie down among the patures new. Speak wisely to she who in her grace and majesty is Mrs. God and let it be said that you shalt make the shelves tomorrow.

Your life as you know it is about to change forever. But you will not be alone. The stars will show you the way and you will be celebrated the length and breadth of Elstree for at least 43 minutes. Avoid looking backwards - it can only remind you of dreary conversations, quirky personal habits and chick peas. Discard that baggage and take the opportunity to get absolutely bladdered. You are most definitely a bloke.

You, unfortunately for your future well being, are one of the saddest creatures ever produced on planet Earth. Shallow, stupid and totally devoid of humour you will probably gain your 'fifteen minutes of fame' and then retreat to your normal wormlike existence. The only thing in the favour of titanusiblingus is that there is a significant number of other star sign allocations who actually enjoy (I assume it's a form of sadism combined with voyeursim) your embarrassment and just outright outrageous outpourings within the comfort of their sitting rooms. Your kind, as a general rule, degenerate into a Evictius q.v. Advice: Try as best you can to get the producer to keep you in the house - along with all your kind - forever and never let you loose again within our free society. (Note to SETI scientist: Perhaps you could organise the Arecibo radio telescope to transmit this stuff? At best the first aliens we then meet will be dumb, or at least dumbfounded!)

Your attempts to find someone to talk to will, as ever, be in vain. Perhaps they just don't like you.

Today will be a good day for virtually anything - as it always is in Iraq. It will be especially good for laughing at American infidel dogs retreating towards the border before the might of our advancing armies. Despite a darkening of the skies and a complete absence of water or electricity, there is no need to be downhearted. Wisdom suggests moving certain items from underground bunker 72 to underground bunker 133. Do not worry - you can always move them back again later. After all - they do not really exist. Lucky political allegiance: Ba'ath Party. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, try tying down the moons of Jupiter for the further glory of Saddam Hussein.

You will feel hungry at some point in the day and this may be accompanied by thirst for liquid refreshment. Around midnight you will feel sleepy. You may see a cat. Beware of fast moving vehicles, especially when you are on foot. There will be darkness.

There will be no hurricanes today.

The values of shares can go up as well as down. A loan secured on your property will put it at risk should you default. There are other listings magazines. Remember - children and small animals can choke on nuts. Plastic bags are not to be worn. Batteries are not included.

You are the most sought-after station on the Underground, but although many are called, few are chosen to penetrate your mystery. Concealed behind cross-striles, hidden by half-blonks, bypassed by baulking, all who hear of you are driven to take up the quest, yet at once find themselves farther away than when they started. Only on Saturday 28, will a few of the elect reach their goal.

You will erm.. and then er... but maybe not.

Same as usual, no use denying it.

History will repeat itself.

We inadvertently printed today's forecast yesterday. Here is today's correct version. Ed.
Same as usual, no denying it. For those of you already in a relationship, history will repeat itself.

 

You will discover that your father is not your father, but merely another impersonator of "Mr. Jones", and that Centre is actually under the control of an even more secret organisation called Al-Khidr, with suggestions of connections to aliens, superpowered humans, or God. You will prevent the Pope being assassinated, but uncover evidence suggesting that the assassins are the good guys. Then you will have breakfast, during which Mik Schtoppel will knock on your door again, apparently on the run from Centre, but he will not be what he seems. You will see a hallucination of Michael's face, and hear voices that you eventually track down to a communication device embedded in your skull. You will have a mysterious conversation with a stranger who claims to have once worked for Section but escaped the system entirely, and tells you that "Mr. Jones" used to be known as "Number 2". He will silently slip away in the middle of your conversation, leaving the words "Be seeing you" hanging in the air.

Your star chart terminates abruptly today in what appears to be decapitation on a railway line. According to the theory of predestination that underlies astrology, you cannot escape this fate, meaning that even if you stay indoors for the whole day, or are in the middle of nowhere, an express train will come and seek you out. Avoid blue accessories.

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[Projoy] Pipped to the post. I was waiting for tea-time and planning to impersonate Blob, but never mind.

Missed the fun by several months!!!

Several months isn't that bad when I missed it by several years.