I've got one, and it isn't Linux-compatible. A simple reason - it's a sandwich (from TS Safebury's new gourmet 'Too good for the likes of you' range). The anti-static bag is intended to stop the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting the bread - which is rolled flat on the firm thighs of Cuban virgins. Seeing as the bread reeks of either tobacco (if the virgin in question is one of the three remaining female such to be found on the island, and therefore moonlighting from her job in the cigar factory) or sweat and pheromones (if it's the one, very lonely and self-obsessed male soul on the island who fits that description - he's the one hosting a rather-too-detailed website on the history and intricacies of the Havana underground, which hasn't been built yet) the task of stopping the finely chopped Patagonian onion tops from tainting it is a tad on the pointless side. The bag does, however, serve to ensure that the baby kangaroo which forms the main sanwich filling is actually dead (a known flaw with cardboard wrappings such as those used by Pret a Manger).

My neighbour has just had a small consignment of Farbulex granules delivered. Should I move?

d (it just fell out onto my desk)

It depends on whether they are the A-class or B-class. If they are the more dangerous A-Class Farbulex Granules, then I should seriously consider moving at least as far as South Africa. The US Government has long suspected that Sadaam Hussain had such weapons, and now it would appear that they have been found, and that your neighbour is in fact harbouring them. I would advise you to inform the police of your discovery immediately, for the good of all mankind.

If they are the less harmful B-Class Farbulex Granules, then your only worry is to make sure you rinse the sink out well after you have used them to clean your carpets.

One product that puzzles me slightly that I noticed the other day is the Ribo-Oxyaerator 250B of which I saw a demonstration not so long ago. Unfortunately, the wife was with me, and she saw a particularly wonderful pair of shoes at the same time, and alas, I was whisked away before I could see what it actually did. Has anyone seen one in operation?

This is a device for making Ribena wine. Just fill the device with Ribena, add yeast, and switch on the oxy-aerator. Be careful not to leave it going too long, or you get blackcurrant paint stripper instead.

My geek neighbour casually mentioned, in a manner clearly intended to impress, that he was looking forward to getting a Titan ZXQ-9950i with 802.11w, Blacktooth, and Terahax. What do I need to keep up?

All you need to do is wait till next week when the Titan ZXQ-9951i will be out. This also has Blackteeth, but comes with double quantities of Terahax and the frightening ability to release clouds of xenon while it plays the theme tune from the Flintstones, in colour. It is, however, only available in beige. I had intended to purchase, online, a brand new Cordilex Rippling Condenser, but am worried that if it does not come in a plain brown wrapper, the postman will find out. What would you advise?

The latest Rippling Condenser is its largest one yet managing to exceed the 3 week capacity of the earlier one by a hundred times. The time reservoir needed is much to large for home use as each day takes up as much space as a small car. The Condenser compresses the fluctuations of the space time fabric into a pair of leaps so that you either go forward and then back or vice versa. The inventor was killed after travelling just beyond his life span. The betting industry have just bought the first 20 And the stock market has banned them just after Ladbrooks said they would. ITN have just launched their own next years news service which will be a great hit next March 15th they say.

After all the hype of the Antipanty extrafine is it worth the wait?

Well, I wasn't sure about the results but my boyfriend is apparently finding it a great boon. According to him, though, you really need the remote control version to get the best results. His friends had to take theirs back because there was some general fault with the XLS-tic unit but they got the updated version free from the manufacturers as a courtesy. It's meant to be up to three times more efficient now, and now they make it in chrome it's half the price. There has been a ban on it in Clapham Common recently, though, as the wrappers being left around were starting to clog the drains. Speaking of which, have you found the Pedicabator T1000 Stovold (Newt version) any use in this area? I can't even get the batteries in mine, am I doing something wrong?

You most certainly are. The unit does not use batteries! Fret not, 'tis a common error. Further, should you have one, you could possibly make some money as it is a rare and, probably, valuable artifact. The origin is interesting; Many, many years ago there were attempts to combine classical physics with the up and coming particle theories. You no doubt recall the venerable Isaac Newton (Newt to his friends) and the 'black body' theories of the late twentieth century? Many scentists of the day attempted to solve the riddle of the apparently infinitely available energy postulated by the 'black body' system with that of dear old Isaac (you know, 'you can't get owt from nowt') It would appear that you may have come across one of the early versions of the experimental apparatus which was used during this era - it consisted of an oven, or stove, painted in matt black and looked something like a London cab mounted upon a system of short stubby legs. Be wary, though - some cheap imitations were produced in the far east (Margate, I think) which did rely on batteries, the housing for which was cunningly disguised as a control knob.

My local charity shop recently had a Parroting warbler advertised but I missed it - was I unlucky?

You certainly were. Closely related to the Carroting Warbler (dendroica dauca), this bird (which is, by the by, blessed with magnificent plumage) hails from the same climes as the various kinds of parrots which it, well, for want of a better description, warbles. The Parroting Warbler (dendroica ara) is now extremely rare in the wild, as hunters shot them in the rainforests for keeping them awake with what Dr. Livingstone described as "...a cacophonous din, as though four-and-twenty fishwives with laryngitis were being murdered in their beds...[the noise] being too much for the men, they fired their guns until the trees grew silent, and we slept well that night, dining even better the next day." Its function is extremely beneficial to the parrot, with whom it shares an almost symbiotic relationship - its terrifying calls scare away predators, leaving the parrot's flight path unendangered (unless there are guns about), and the parrot shares with its helper the food which the parrot can locate, but the warbler cannot, on account of the shape of its beak. The Carroting Warbler, incidentally, seems to have evolved earlier in the grand scheme of things and is a great nuisance around vegetable patches, not being essentially good for anything much. Due to its large, completely black appearance and horrifying sound, it was known by the superstitious as the Spectral Bird, thought to foreshadow death, and even features briefly in the famous poem about Flannan Isle. Recordings of the Carroting Warbler still exist and are thought to be linked with the supposed noise of the banshee. Then, when the research into the Parroting Warbler developed, it was realised that the birds were merely wailing at vegetables, and the superstition shifted to large black dogs. Live Parroting and Carroting Warblers now only exist in specialist areas - the Parrotting Warbler is trained in zoos now only to guard captive parrots and macaws. Carroting Warblers have been found a cheap and more attractive alternative to scarecrows. Thus, the Parroting Warbler advertised at your local charity shop must have been one of the last remaining stuffed Blue Warblers from the era of Queen Victoria, shot and mounted by Terje Glasswerk of Norway and shipped to this country on his death in 1909. As there are only five of them remaining, you missed out on a collector's treat. Incidentally, I was at an antiques fair the other day and was inspecting something the dealer keenly called a Pritchatt Foley Latisserie when a ruffian snatched it from my hands and made away with it. The bounder was never caught, but can anyone tell me why it should be so desirable?

did u know your a googlewhack? penchant gazump

Not anymore -- thescotsman.co.uk has that one too.

What?

A 'googlewhack' is when you type two words into Google, and get exactly one hit. This site is nearly one.

aaah...*goes to find other odd combinations*

oops! spent far too long trying to find another googlewhack, yet unsuccessfully. Has anyone found out what that Pritchatt thing was, or did I dream it?

Oh my god! what a loss. The Pritchatt Foley Latisserie was a device invented by British impressionist artists Pritchatt Foley in the 1870s after a return from an exhibition in Paris. Foley invented the device as a way of mixing pigments of different colours with oil to produce a smooth paste to paint with. The invention was a total failure because it was a bugger to clean. Years later, a visiting Italian friend of Foley’s (named Fellatio Badabingo) spotted the invention whilst posing nude and queried about it. “EUREKA... EUREKA... “ he shouted, running around Foley’s room, heading for the kitchen. “my friend” he said to Foley, “you havea createded the ultimatea machinea for makinga the perfecta café latte” or something equally Italian sounding. And with this the two men sat, one covered in paint, the other in excitement, sipping on lattes. ‘we shall call this invention the “Pritchatt Foley Latisserie”. Only one is known to exist. If you spot it again, please contact David Dickinson immediately. This is one item he wont describe as being ‘cheap as chips’. However, one item that might not have been seen on Bargain Hunt is the Turbo Plinth 3000-E. Any ideas?

I think there was one on display at the recent Erotica 2003 exhibition. It's a combination of "massage device" and bondage bench. ("Because I'm a well-informed kinda guy, that's why.")

What is a C-stu-B good for?

Have these games all been running so long that everyone who's joined in the last year has never seen one terminated? <b>Mornington Crescent</b>, that's the way to do it!