The latest Rippling Condenser is its largest one yet managing to exceed the 3 week capacity of the earlier one by a hundred times. The time reservoir needed is much to large for home use as each day takes up as much space as a small car. The Condenser compresses the fluctuations of the space time fabric into a pair of leaps so that you either go forward and then back or vice versa. The inventor was killed after travelling just beyond his life span. The betting industry have just bought the first 20 And the stock market has banned them just after Ladbrooks said they would. ITN have just launched their own next years news service which will be a great hit next March 15th they say.

After all the hype of the Antipanty extrafine is it worth the wait?

Well, I wasn't sure about the results but my boyfriend is apparently finding it a great boon. According to him, though, you really need the remote control version to get the best results. His friends had to take theirs back because there was some general fault with the XLS-tic unit but they got the updated version free from the manufacturers as a courtesy. It's meant to be up to three times more efficient now, and now they make it in chrome it's half the price. There has been a ban on it in Clapham Common recently, though, as the wrappers being left around were starting to clog the drains. Speaking of which, have you found the Pedicabator T1000 Stovold (Newt version) any use in this area? I can't even get the batteries in mine, am I doing something wrong?

You most certainly are. The unit does not use batteries! Fret not, 'tis a common error. Further, should you have one, you could possibly make some money as it is a rare and, probably, valuable artifact. The origin is interesting; Many, many years ago there were attempts to combine classical physics with the up and coming particle theories. You no doubt recall the venerable Isaac Newton (Newt to his friends) and the 'black body' theories of the late twentieth century? Many scentists of the day attempted to solve the riddle of the apparently infinitely available energy postulated by the 'black body' system with that of dear old Isaac (you know, 'you can't get owt from nowt') It would appear that you may have come across one of the early versions of the experimental apparatus which was used during this era - it consisted of an oven, or stove, painted in matt black and looked something like a London cab mounted upon a system of short stubby legs. Be wary, though - some cheap imitations were produced in the far east (Margate, I think) which did rely on batteries, the housing for which was cunningly disguised as a control knob.

My local charity shop recently had a Parroting warbler advertised but I missed it - was I unlucky?

You certainly were. Closely related to the Carroting Warbler (dendroica dauca), this bird (which is, by the by, blessed with magnificent plumage) hails from the same climes as the various kinds of parrots which it, well, for want of a better description, warbles. The Parroting Warbler (dendroica ara) is now extremely rare in the wild, as hunters shot them in the rainforests for keeping them awake with what Dr. Livingstone described as "...a cacophonous din, as though four-and-twenty fishwives with laryngitis were being murdered in their beds...[the noise] being too much for the men, they fired their guns until the trees grew silent, and we slept well that night, dining even better the next day." Its function is extremely beneficial to the parrot, with whom it shares an almost symbiotic relationship - its terrifying calls scare away predators, leaving the parrot's flight path unendangered (unless there are guns about), and the parrot shares with its helper the food which the parrot can locate, but the warbler cannot, on account of the shape of its beak. The Carroting Warbler, incidentally, seems to have evolved earlier in the grand scheme of things and is a great nuisance around vegetable patches, not being essentially good for anything much. Due to its large, completely black appearance and horrifying sound, it was known by the superstitious as the Spectral Bird, thought to foreshadow death, and even features briefly in the famous poem about Flannan Isle. Recordings of the Carroting Warbler still exist and are thought to be linked with the supposed noise of the banshee. Then, when the research into the Parroting Warbler developed, it was realised that the birds were merely wailing at vegetables, and the superstition shifted to large black dogs. Live Parroting and Carroting Warblers now only exist in specialist areas - the Parrotting Warbler is trained in zoos now only to guard captive parrots and macaws. Carroting Warblers have been found a cheap and more attractive alternative to scarecrows. Thus, the Parroting Warbler advertised at your local charity shop must have been one of the last remaining stuffed Blue Warblers from the era of Queen Victoria, shot and mounted by Terje Glasswerk of Norway and shipped to this country on his death in 1909. As there are only five of them remaining, you missed out on a collector's treat. Incidentally, I was at an antiques fair the other day and was inspecting something the dealer keenly called a Pritchatt Foley Latisserie when a ruffian snatched it from my hands and made away with it. The bounder was never caught, but can anyone tell me why it should be so desirable?

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