This is a device for making Ribena wine. Just fill the device with Ribena, add yeast, and switch on the oxy-aerator. Be careful not to leave it going too long, or you get blackcurrant paint stripper instead.

My geek neighbour casually mentioned, in a manner clearly intended to impress, that he was looking forward to getting a Titan ZXQ-9950i with 802.11w, Blacktooth, and Terahax. What do I need to keep up?

All you need to do is wait till next week when the Titan ZXQ-9951i will be out. This also has Blackteeth, but comes with double quantities of Terahax and the frightening ability to release clouds of xenon while it plays the theme tune from the Flintstones, in colour. It is, however, only available in beige. I had intended to purchase, online, a brand new Cordilex Rippling Condenser, but am worried that if it does not come in a plain brown wrapper, the postman will find out. What would you advise?

The latest Rippling Condenser is its largest one yet managing to exceed the 3 week capacity of the earlier one by a hundred times. The time reservoir needed is much to large for home use as each day takes up as much space as a small car. The Condenser compresses the fluctuations of the space time fabric into a pair of leaps so that you either go forward and then back or vice versa. The inventor was killed after travelling just beyond his life span. The betting industry have just bought the first 20 And the stock market has banned them just after Ladbrooks said they would. ITN have just launched their own next years news service which will be a great hit next March 15th they say.

After all the hype of the Antipanty extrafine is it worth the wait?

Well, I wasn't sure about the results but my boyfriend is apparently finding it a great boon. According to him, though, you really need the remote control version to get the best results. His friends had to take theirs back because there was some general fault with the XLS-tic unit but they got the updated version free from the manufacturers as a courtesy. It's meant to be up to three times more efficient now, and now they make it in chrome it's half the price. There has been a ban on it in Clapham Common recently, though, as the wrappers being left around were starting to clog the drains. Speaking of which, have you found the Pedicabator T1000 Stovold (Newt version) any use in this area? I can't even get the batteries in mine, am I doing something wrong?

You most certainly are. The unit does not use batteries! Fret not, 'tis a common error. Further, should you have one, you could possibly make some money as it is a rare and, probably, valuable artifact. The origin is interesting; Many, many years ago there were attempts to combine classical physics with the up and coming particle theories. You no doubt recall the venerable Isaac Newton (Newt to his friends) and the 'black body' theories of the late twentieth century? Many scentists of the day attempted to solve the riddle of the apparently infinitely available energy postulated by the 'black body' system with that of dear old Isaac (you know, 'you can't get owt from nowt') It would appear that you may have come across one of the early versions of the experimental apparatus which was used during this era - it consisted of an oven, or stove, painted in matt black and looked something like a London cab mounted upon a system of short stubby legs. Be wary, though - some cheap imitations were produced in the far east (Margate, I think) which did rely on batteries, the housing for which was cunningly disguised as a control knob.

My local charity shop recently had a Parroting warbler advertised but I missed it - was I unlucky?