Today is a good day for long journeys by unicycle and conversations with women called Thora, preferably both at once. Mars is in the third house, so you may come into a small sum of Estonian Krooni -- don't spend them all at once or you risk a terrible headache on Friday morning. Avoid the colour taupe and fourteen-year-old boys with broken arms.

With Saturn being retrograde this month, you can look forward to long weekends filled with nothing but the sound of burst pipes and fallen walls as your loved ones play with the power tools they got last week. Make sure to cut root vegetables perpendicular to the nearest leyline or next Tuesday is liable to see your dry cleaning ruined. Kaolin is your lucky clay.

You love being the centre of attention. You are big-hearted and charismatic but also, regrettably, deep down, very very stupid. You have absolutely no tact whatsoever. People laugh at you when your back is turned. Next Thursday, someone will ask you what you think of Alison in accounts and your answer will cause considerable offence.