Y-O-U-R--R-U-S-T--H-E-A-P--O-F--A--C-A-R-S--S-E-R-V-I-C-E-- A-N-D--M-O-T--A-R-E--D-U-E--T-O-D-A-Y--I-T-W-I-L-L-F-A-I-L--T-H-E--M-O-T--T-H-E--B-I-L-L --T-O-C-A-R-R-Y--O-U-T--T-H-E--R-E-P-A-I-R-S--W-I-L-L --B-E--F-O-R--F-I-V----- S-T-O-Q-P--P-U-L-K-L-I-N-G--T-G-H-E--P-P-O-I-N-S-T-E-R

This week your output will be distinctive, spread, as ever across eight national digital TV services and eleven radio networks. For more specific predictions, see here

An inauspicious date at the best of times, today it is compounded by Saturn ascending and the Black Cat Convention that is currently visiting town. Consequently, all the sorrows you have ever known are as nothing to the woes that await you if you leave the house. I recommend barricading yourself in the bedroom and quaking in terror under the covers until dawn tomorrow. It's not guaranteed to save you, but trust me: anything else will be much, much worse.

You will find yourself appointed Lord Chancellor. Or possibly not. You will not take on the job of Speaker in the House of Lords, or possibly you will for a bit. You will also be responsible for the Scotland Office and the Welsh Office, which will also be abolished, except they won't, and you won't be responsible for them. Well, you might manage their old staff. You won't be head of the judiciary either. Well, OK, you could be.

You will start from Pembroke Dock punctually and call at all stations to Narberth punctually. Proceeding at a slow pace, you will then stop for no particular reason in the bit of countyside between Llannelli and Swansea. The train conductor will cite 'Operational Difficulties'. There will be a cow on the line near Baglan which will take much shooing from a signalman before the train is allowed to proceed. The buffet will run out of sandwiches just prior to Brigend, will close at Newport and will not reopen until Yatton having been restocked at Bristol Temple Meads. Someone will get their luggage stuck in the doors at Weston Super Mare. Your lucky platform number is three.