You may feel like metastasising today, but hang on! If you wait just one more day, then your host will have got through their annual medical with a clean bill of health, and you'll be able to grow all over the place without fear of being noticed until it's too late. Your lucky tumour is non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

You will be sentenced to 10-20 today. Stabbing your barrister outside the courtroom might be your only picker-upper all day. Don't forget your toothbrush and soap-on-a-rope. Your lucky cellmate is 'Toine.

Tomorrow is a good day for stopping and thinking, which is a pity since your lack of activity will result in the destruction of the known universe by your arch enemy.

Your long striving for pop music success will finally bear fruit this evening at about 7:36pm when you will perform "Day Drem Believer" at your favourite karaoke bar and remember almost 70% of the lyics. The applause will be enthusiastic but sparse. Next time, remember to invite more relatives.
just bringing in another astrological tradition since we've kind of done the Zodiac

Today is a great day for sea-goats ! You will get a date for the excision of your ingrowing toenail, you will find a faience brooch in your cutlery drawer, and you will see a vision of Mother Theresa of Calcutta in TESCO's car park. Avoid butter until Tuesday however. Your lucky electronic component is the electrolytic capacitor.