Your life as you know it is about to change forever. But you will not be alone. The stars will show you the way and you will be celebrated the length and breadth of Elstree for at least 43 minutes. Avoid looking backwards - it can only remind you of dreary conversations, quirky personal habits and chick peas. Discard that baggage and take the opportunity to get absolutely bladdered. You are most definitely a bloke.

You, unfortunately for your future well being, are one of the saddest creatures ever produced on planet Earth. Shallow, stupid and totally devoid of humour you will probably gain your 'fifteen minutes of fame' and then retreat to your normal wormlike existence. The only thing in the favour of titanusiblingus is that there is a significant number of other star sign allocations who actually enjoy (I assume it's a form of sadism combined with voyeursim) your embarrassment and just outright outrageous outpourings within the comfort of their sitting rooms. Your kind, as a general rule, degenerate into a Evictius q.v. Advice: Try as best you can to get the producer to keep you in the house - along with all your kind - forever and never let you loose again within our free society. (Note to SETI scientist: Perhaps you could organise the Arecibo radio telescope to transmit this stuff? At best the first aliens we then meet will be dumb, or at least dumbfounded!)

Your attempts to find someone to talk to will, as ever, be in vain. Perhaps they just don't like you.

Today will be a good day for virtually anything - as it always is in Iraq. It will be especially good for laughing at American infidel dogs retreating towards the border before the might of our advancing armies. Despite a darkening of the skies and a complete absence of water or electricity, there is no need to be downhearted. Wisdom suggests moving certain items from underground bunker 72 to underground bunker 133. Do not worry - you can always move them back again later. After all - they do not really exist. Lucky political allegiance: Ba'ath Party. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, try tying down the moons of Jupiter for the further glory of Saddam Hussein.

You will feel hungry at some point in the day and this may be accompanied by thirst for liquid refreshment. Around midnight you will feel sleepy. You may see a cat. Beware of fast moving vehicles, especially when you are on foot. There will be darkness.