You will be the butt of forty-eight distinct jokes made by fellow musicians, at least two of whom shall be trombonists. You shall then get together with three of your number, get into a mini and drive in the direction of the nearest cliff. Having overshot, someone on the cliff edge will shout "You could have got five of them in easily".

Today is a good day to follow your chosen star. Be prepared for a walk in the park, the bush by the southern entrance will provide ample cover. Should there be shopping, beware of cameras and security. It has been a week since you last made contact, make up for lost time send three cards and phone twice. Tommorrow the police will come for you after breakfast.

This card speaks of dark secrets and vicious rumour. Looks like it's true about Mr Fisher, then -- right there in the cafeteria, apparently! Probably best to eat elsewhere today.

You will be involved in a ferocious bidding war today, but ten pence really is too much for the Mills & Boon so I'd let Mrs Tinker have it if I were you. Mind the loose paving stone on the way out of the church hall, though - you don't want to go ruining your new tights with only having worn them a week! Do pop in to see Mr Hedges at the butcher's; he's got a nice Cumberland sausage in this week, or so he says. I thought he was from Manchester.

Hmm, I knew there was a reason I preferred Earl Grey.

You will encounter an elevated, unlit newcomer, plunge in fondness and live contentedly ever subsequently.