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Carpe Diem - Fish of the Day
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One player will provide a word or phrase in another language, and the next will furnish us with an erudite translation and then a word or phrase of their own...
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Sultry weather recks my sinuses

Dove sono i miei occhiali?
The songbirds are getting in the way of the darts players.

Defense de cracher.

Car bumper. (Glad to see you've got it sussed, Rosie!)

Aiya Earendil Elenion Ancalima!
I have pointy ears and long fair hair to die for, aren't I just so wonderful?

Achtung!

Yeuch! Tongue!

Ïa Shub Niggurath! Cthulhu fhtagn!

You haven't seen me! My name is Phtang and I am working under cover as an African shrub.

Fennas nogothrim, lasto beth lammen!

Do not pass through the marsh, Beth, as you're my very last lamb!

Peidiwch â phoeni'r merched yn y babell nesa.

(This is a more sophisticated form of "rhubarb rhubarb", i.e. gibberish muttered by actors in the background of a scene who have to look like they're talking.)

berberis thunbergii atropurpurea

My barber's tunaburger has gone stiff and purple. [cf. Facial Nightwear].

Caesar adsum iam forte

Caesar supplements it with sum strong preserve

Habla usted una montadiente?

Has anyone lost a diamond mountain?

Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul,
ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
Ash gets up my nose from inconsiderate smokers, Ash gets up my nose from idiot smokers,
Ash gets up my nose from cretinous smokers, Death to all smokers!

exeunt omnes

They've all been executed.

Gebrauchen Sie Insektenvertilgungsmittel.

Well I never. That incy wincey spider is climbing up the spout.

Wo steckst du gleich das Köpfchen hin?

Why are you hammering a stake through my head?

namaste

Our ship is completely buggered.

Une foi, une loi, un roi.
I'm mad, I need the toilet, and I'm hungry.

Devo engoli-los inteiros?

Is the entire english race satanic?

Teo toriate konomama iko

My mother has run off with a theatrical troupe again.

mi casa es su casa

We've got squatters!

Llyfrgell Cyhoeddus

My life has been saved by a seagull with a robotic head.

Non piove ma cola.

Please don't piss in my drink

café con leche

Would you like to come in for..."coffee"?

tu es Petrus

Fill 'er up.

ne te confundum illegitimi

Never contest paternity suits

Arma virumque cano

I am protected by a highly infectious CocaCola container.

Ici le prévision des temps.

Your television licence has been temporarily suspended.

Es ist Oberseite niederwirft
Do not write on the other side of this page.

dabo claves regni caelorum

Use a pair of percussion sticks to summon the King.

Barriga cheia, cara alegre.

"Bring your chia pet, Carmen Electra!" DICTUM MEUM PACTUM
My diarrhoea medicine is packed.

Dein ist mein herz und soll es ewig bleiben!

Eat my heart and colour my wig blueberry. (A hip slang expression of astonishment.)

et in arcadia ego

He reckons he's a pinball wizard.

parc fermé

Allotment

Jag har lite ont i halsen, och hostar mycket

Hamish! You've got a new toy Jaguar, I see...

Zan titotlanehuia
You'd look silly in a roadgoing helicopter.

Yenilen pehlivan gurese doymaz.

Of course you can get in, just grease the palm of Ivan the doorman.

Cet outil ne vaut rien
A low turnout.

So lass deine büchsen im walde stehn?

Whilst the girl eats the bushes, I'm staining the welder.

Buenos tardes.

I like Dr Who.

Ne ekersen, o'nu bicersin.

If you shine my nose, I will give you your nose. (A Klingon proverb.)

nunc dimittis

Nuns are a stupid crowd

güle güle, alahsmaladžk
Alas, your goolies appear to be knackered.

Già il sole dal gange. Nel puro ardor

Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Quantum ille canis est in fenestra?

Is it possible to use a rubbish bin as a makeshift particle accelerator?

Sakinilan goze cop batar.

He who drink too much sake get into fight with police.

gaudeamus igitur

Please sign here but you must use this multi-coloured-fluorescent-gel pen.

Laue lüfte blumen düfte, alle lenz und jugendlust!

Lift the daft bloom, and go! Give up lusting after jugs for Lent!

mens sana in corpore sano
Words importing the masculine also include the neuter
Laudamus te, benedicamus te, adoramus te, glorificamus te.
Let us praise tea, bless tea, adore tea, glofity tea.

Les sanglots longs des violons de l'automne blessent mon coeur d'une langueur monotone.

The karaoke queens yearn for road rage, blessing my scabby dog with a dull tonguing.

Je suis le ténébreux, le veuf, l'inconsolé (Flanders & Swann invoked)

The Swiss are full of tenacity, verve and depression.

La cattiveria ritorna su chi l'ha fatta.

Only real cats get overweight on Japanese food.

Pan welwch yr olau coch aroswch yma.

Make me some pan-fried porridge with oil of rose cockles.

exceptio probat regulam

Well, once a week does you good, they say...

volo comprare nonnulla tegumembra
The relative speed of your membranes is greater than zero.

Äpplet faller inte långt från trädet.

I want to swap my failing applet for a Frankinsh lantern.

Ich möchte Raak sehen, dieses zu übersetzen!
Forgive me! for I have mocked Raak's miniature zoo collection

Drum heg ich sie auch so treu an der brust

The female percussionist on the auk has her trousers pulled up an awfully long way.

Precipitevolissimevolmente
It rains very hard, all the bloody time

Herr Ober! Es gibt eine fliege in meiner Suppe
Mr. Oboeist! Give us a tootle to help our soprano get in tune.

Er entdeckte der Welt, was die Antike sei, er zeigte dem menschlichen Geiste, was die Natur und die Welt sei. Diese Taten vollbrachte der deutsche Geist aus sich, aus seinem innersten Verlangen, sich seiner bewusst zu werden. Und dieses Bewusstsein sagte ihm, was er zum ersten Male der Welt verkünden konnte, dass das Schöne und Edle nicht um des Vorteils, ja selbst nicht um des Ruhmes und der Unerkennung willen in die Welt tritt: und alles, was im Sinne dieser Lehre gewirkt wird, ist 'deutsch', und deshalb ist der Deutsche gross; und nur, was in diesem Sinne gewirkt wird, kann zur Grösse Deutschlands führen.

She entered the deck with her welding gear, where she spoke of her antics, and she sought the men who liked the spirits of nature and welding, so they said. Their potatoes ran boldly towards the spirit of Holland, sick yet sane, immersed in their language, sick yet sane, wimpy and wordy. And their wimpy sanity saddened him, because her ex-husband had welded children's cots - that's the shaven but idle git in his 40s, yes, selfish git with the rheumatism and wilful unemployment in the welding industry: and friends, whom he sinned with, leering at their wierd work, calling it "Dutch," but he'd never actually been to Holland in any serious way; and now, these sins affected his own weird work, dragging him into the truly serious fires of Holland.

Många bäckar små gör en stor å.

The fellow returns, bloodied, to the supermarket.

Et in terra pax, pax hominibus.

[Darren] Bravo!
[Raak] Indeed, but I'm curious as to where you got this quote (assuming you didn't make it up yourself, which is indeed possible). I've tried googling but thanks to a somewhat unconventional use (to my mind) of the dative in the first clause, it doesn't come up with anything.
[rab] I googled for "German quotations" and came across a page of Wagner quotes. I can see why Hitler was a fan.
[rab, Raak] It's interesting to hear where you all pick up your quotations from. My German ones all come from 'Schubert - 200 Songs for Voice & Piano' selected and edited by Sergius Kagen [IMC. New York]. It contains the English translations which, given the somewhat florid, overblown nature of the romantic verse, are chucklesome enough [even before you lot apply your skills to them].
At this point in time, I cannot do justice to Rosie's last quote so I'm leaving it for someone who can.
[Chalky] To be fair to dear Franz, the only Lied I know in any detail had its lyrics written by Heine. But then I'm quite a fan of his, feeling him in many people's minds to be cast in Beethoven's shadow. In the meantime...

He who is sardined in terror, is sardined into the gay bus.

Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Vuotta

Never joke with the honesty of the floating voter.

Hänchen klein, ging allein, in die weiter Weld hinein.

[Darren] Marvellous stuff. Do I sense the germination of a new game here?
Clean your hands, my gang allies, in the water behind the weld.

Tack för det!

Thanks all for the comments! I was rather worried someone else would come up with a better "translation" while I was working on mine, but that didn't happen luckily. Incidentally, I get my quotes and proverbs from a variety of sources: some from the Oxford Dictionary of Quotations, and others from online proverb collections.

[rab] Thank you for reminding me of the Finnish for Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Finnish is truly opaque, and the only word in the phrase that has any relationship to other languages as far as I know is "Joulua", which is "Yule" with a nice Finnish suffix.

(Use a) nail for that!

Lapin Kulta

This phrase, decorously expressed in Latin, occurs in a Victorian anatomical guide to the fair sex written for young men (who are assumed virtuously innocent of such knowledge).

Costain Skanska Bafry

My cousin loves reggae and reggae loves him, baby.

Sein oder Nichtsein, das ist hier die Frage

Sigh over the night scene, because you're about to get mugged.

Theon oudeis popote tetheatai, ean agapomen allelous, ho theos en hemin menei kai he agape autou en emin teteleiomene estin.
This odious puppet theatre, its fittings all loose, has those at home agape and television is preferred.

Comment allez vous?

Do you have anything to say in response to these allegations?

rubor, calor, tumor, dolor, functio laeso

Rubber, gas, cancer, the DHSS... that's life.

Den som gräver en grop åt andra faller själv däri.

Den is some groover! But he did grope the outside of Andrea, and fell over, being slightly doozy.

Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin.

That gents' lavatory seems oddly popular today.

Gotterdämmerung
Ascend the woman's ladder.

And, to keep gil happy,

matkailutoimisto

Thank you, rab. This, of course, literally means "Never rely on cattle to find their way in fog". (A well-known Finnish proverb - now used to designate Tourist Bureaux)

Ratgeber und Rundfahrten

Literally "Ratgobbler and Roundfarter", this is a popular German sitcom about an eponymous firm of lawyers.

si vis pacem, para bellum

If life is peaceful, it seems beautiful.

Die hellen Funken, welche dem Beschauer,
Genährt von Strahlen, die der Sonn entsprühten,
Wann sie versank, des Lichtes Blick vergüten,
Sie leben selbst nur eine Blumentrauer.
Dos Equis -- two horses
[ignoring mick, who seems to be playing to different rules]

Death is funky as hell, like going to Wales for a shower,
Get arty as you're strolling, sprout yourself in the Sun,
When you fall down, lick the licky bit of a gun,
You levitate yourself, now behind the trail, plant a flower

Vége jó minden jó.

Eat vegetables and grow thin.

si monumentum requiris, circumspice

We need a statue of the Sporty Spice.

A mulher e a sardinha querem-se da mais pequenina

[Ibid] Almost eggsactly what I had in mind - but with Jewish Spice instead. :o)
If I eat another sardine I'll turn into a penguin.

Ta bean in Eirinn a phronnfadh sead damh is mo shaith le n-ol

Thanks for putting the bean in, Erin - on the phone, my father said, "Damn, it's more than my job's worth."

Rehellisyys maan perii.

RE: Hell is a man called Pierre

J-P
You're on to something here, but can't you say something more general? Does he have to be named Pierre? Only one man? Just men -- or women too? Maybe it's all other people you mean? Think about it.
Yrs, Simone.

Voetsek!
Voter apathy

'Kto pierdz'i ten s'mierdz'i'
The Japanese horse has done ten poos!

Miraa-san no otoo-san to okaa-san wa ogenki desu ka.
The Ford Ka design brief openly stated there were to be no mirrors, no toilets and no whales included.

Mann og viv er eitt liv.

A man with wide eyes has eight lives.

O-negai shimas

[Raak] erm . . repetition [4 or so pages back] - so I will also repetish my previous translation:
My veins contain blood that is both rare and glistening.

Willst meinem schätzchen dich machen beliebt?

If I have a crap, will you believe me? (Said to a customs officer who suspects one of carrying illegal substances in a dark place.)

[Chalky] What can I say but:
sumimasen

The new enforcement branch of the Freemasons is made up of large Japanese types in small underwear.

Carthago delenda est
I'm renting out my carthorse.

I dag raud, i morgon daud.

I was a navvy because my father was Welsh.

Si monumentum requiris, circumspice.

Victoria insists that it is imperative that the statue of David show the lad circumcised.

Consiga su pie de mi bola

I'll give you a pie if you can clean bowl me.

Xondo wako
This was how The Sun originally broke the news of Kubla Khan's excessive pleasure-dome building.

Den Menschen mit dem Himmel verbinden: eine Studie zu den katechetischen Homilien des Theodor von Mopsuestia
Dan mentioned putting the hammer in the bin: a study of the cat-cheating home loan of St. Theodore of the Swiss Mop.

trockenbeerenauslese

The stone in my drink renders it useless.

Abrochense los cinturatos

A broach was lost in the tumble-dryer

Trekken voor uitgaang

The gang of four are now known as 'The Group of Odd Walkers' (i.e. - Roughly translated - "The Ministry of Funny Walks")
Err ...

Una comida y yo decentes somos cualquier persona

This is the advertising line for a Spanish remake of "Queer as Folk": "A comedy about ten somewhat queer people."

domo arigato gozaimasu

The Millennium dome will be disassembled and shipped to a farm in Malta.

Overstaap bij brug

Fall off the bridge.

D'er ingen så lang han ei må tøya seg, og ingen så låg han ei må bøya seg.

In comes the new single from Toyah and out goes the Boyzone single.

Baszom a sza'd sze'le't, Sanyika'm!
The videofilm showed that her bosom resembled that of a sad skeleton.

Warum liess ich das band auch hängen so lang?

Girl bands like 'Spice' don't hang around for long.

Nie Sagen nie wieder

They're neither saggy nor too wide.

Bend boge brest.

I'm sorry, but I can't translate this on a site that children may see.

Mi dispiaci, non lo so!
The stuff I phone through is truly awful.

A piacere mano destro

The sleight of the hand deceives the eye.

Dinsdag kartonnendozen dag is.

The dog's dinner that comes in twelve boxes is 'it'.

Kommentiertes Vorlesungsverzeichnis

This DVD has a commentary track.

Pupukahi i holomua.

Dog memorials: holograms a speciality!

Ce que femme veut, Dieu le veut.

Give women the vote - god help you!

Voor me het is de echte dinge

As far as I can see, this is a real Australian wild dog.

Dinna fash yersel

Salted fish for dinner.

Fihi-ma-fihi

My turntable is malfunctioning

Da's kloten van de bok
Dad has spilt cream on the book

Wasser dragen naar de zee

You wanna drag down the promenade?

Su detrás, aunque grande, es exquisito.

Your detritus is not only large, but exquisite.

Er verdrinken meer mensen in een glas dan in zee.

I bet I can drink you under the table!

mijn bromfiets is in het kanaal

My bromine-impregnated insoles are advertised on the Shopping Channel.

Scrivo sol per sfogar l'interna doglia

Write only using sugar on the doggynet

Ma ei räägi palju eesti keelt

Mother's scruffy friend is a kilt-wearing Jew.

Schon scharret mein rösslein mit lustigem fuss.

This cherry goes red at the first sign of fuss.

Quando finisce la partita, i pedoni, le torri, i cavalli, i vescovi, i due re e le due regine tutti vanno nello stesso scatolo.

Who invited these two queens to a party thrown for the Cavalry, bullfighters and fashion designers?

zet uw kaas bovenop de bank

Was that your car that's driven up the bank?

Mi si e' rizzato il cazzo
I see you've made a risotto out of the cat! (Line from a 1960s American domestic sitcom.)

Certum est, quia impossibile.
Certified impossible.

quod erat faciendum

You're being facetious.

Crea fama y acuéstate a dormir.

Become famous by sleeping in your extensive grounds.

Ars longa sed vita brevis.

A bigger bottom leads to a shorter life.

Confutatis maledictis,
Flammis acribus addictis:
Voca me cum benedictis.
Oro supplex et acclinis,
Cor contritum quasi cinis:
Gere curam mei finis.

This poem was found written in the margins of a copy of the Carmina Burana, itself a somewhat rude and earthy work, and is an explicit description of a gay SM scene. I shall tastefully but sketch the content: Let the sinner be seized and punished with burning flames; let him call out for my blessed [ahem]. With a supple, wide open mouth and a contrite heart he behaves as a dog; in the end he will thank me on his knees.

I'll link to the next quote rather than writing it here. The quote.

Re-arrange these matchsticks into a well-known sonnet.

Vergin tutto amor, sospiri di foco

I love all virgins, and aspire to f*** them.

Tamu ya mua kifundo

Tame yer monkey, it's fun.

[from a well known hymn (from memory)]
Panis angelicus
Fit panis ominum
Dat panis caelicus
Figuris terminum
My angel cake mix
All fits into one cakepan
That pan is calico
And maintains its shape until the end.

Keng-ça fou mah-jong, ca fou, puis cong-prong pas a ca o ra toujours l'air Chinoa

Mr King beats his mah-jong, but he would not beat his con-prong for all the air in China.

Were diu werlt alle min
von deme mere unze an den Rin
des wolt ih mih darben,
daz diu chunegin von Engellant
lege an minen armen.

Bonus points awarded for translation in limerick form. [Raak] Carmina Burana is a rich source. I'm surprised no-one's used it before...

While I'm trying to figure that one out, may I offer: Pro Caelio Italian fan of diminutive Australian singer Aristophanes Something a boy really doesn't want his mum to catch him doing. Pizzicato Your dinner's in the dog. Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité?

A werewolf is found in all men.
But those in the sea or the den:
Their wolves are much darker,
While that man Ronnie Barker (literally "that comedian from England")
Has wolves move his arms and legs, then.

Nie to piekne, co piekne, ale co sie komu podoba.

Now for a picnic; with our picnic we shall drink so much ale that we lapse into a coma.
Sunt enim ista maledicta pervolgata in omnis quorum in adulescentia forma et species fuit liberalis
[Blue Bananas] This isn't a move, btw. I just wanted to apologise for apparently ignoring you back there, but I started working on the answer for Kim's post before you posted yours, so I didn't see it.
Good diction is not a requirement among male liberals.

Olé!

Simulposted: I had "The sound "Ni!" is an evil found throughout the vulgar classes whenever a quorum of adolescents is formed; the whole species flees from it."

Olé!: Beer!

Dào kê dào, fei cháng dào.

[Raak] What a fantastic one! I'll tell my Latin tutor that!
[Darren] Don't worry; I noticed when I posted. I was trying to fit Demi Moore into my limerick translation but gave up.
Here's a few up for translation: Acanthopanax senticosus, Aesculus hippocastanum, Agathosma crenultata, Eleutherococcus senticosus, Harpogophytum procumbens, Polygonum multiflorum, Rhamnus purshiani cortex, Silybum marianum, Stellaria media, Trigonella foenum-graecum, Vitex agnus-castus, Withania somniferum, Yucca schidigera, Zingiber officinale and then there's Santalum album (Christmas music compilation)
[BB] OK - why don't you propose one of them, and we'll have a go?
Errr ok, Harpogophytum procumbens
[Raak's one first:] Somebody saw somebody, fetching somebody.
[Blue Bananas' one:] The silent Marx brother has turned himself into a plant and draped himself all over the place.

Taking another from BB's list, Rhamnus purshiani cortex

Goat's head is a persian delicacy.
Eleutherococcus senticosus anyone?
The elusive 'sleeping beauty'.

Tre monete in una fontana.

Thirty coins, one currency. (Official motto of the European Monetary Union.)

Non serviam

Yam's off.
Tiramisù
If you make me cry, I'll take you to court.

de minimis non curat lex.

It's so small the vicar can't read it.

Nu este bine sã fie omul singur.

Now is the bin-end of our Omani sangria.

Non placet

Where's the soap?

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

All hail Governor Schwarzenegger (God help us!)

On puc trobar un altre bar que estigue bé?
One ice-hockey player has been sent to the sin-bin.

La plume de ma tante est dans le sac de cacahouete

The tainted flowers are in the compost bag (lit: cack-sack).

Zusammen kämpfen!

Susan is gay!

trinosophia

This is the third time I've had to tell you to stop doing that, Sophia.

Neede was ooit een belangrijk kruispunt van spoorlijnen.

Neddy was out and bought Lilo & Stitch

kiram tu coseh nanat
Scram, you dozy ninny!

Wer rastet der rostet

Who burnt the roast?

Brennstoff-Stickstoff-Verbindungen

Teflon

Doodlesacpfeiffermachergesellenherbergenvater

Yes.

Omul prost crede tot.

A mother never believes her own child.

om tat sat

The Buddhist sat on the mat

Tuuli tuli tulliin

Finnish form of "La-la la-la la-la", sung when the singer has forgotten the words.

Non anglii, sed angeli

Not only, but also.

Maafkan saya kerana datang lambat.

Mother can say anything which lambasts Anna's dating.
...and
Tumuhutuhud makaysed a tachi.
Attach the outboard motor.

Maximus Decimus Meridius

Resolve pi to 10,000 places.

meer haast minder snelheid

I've got the complete set of Minder on video.

Mie langu jicho

My language irritates.

Post hoc ergo propter hoc.

The post office uses DC3s as their work horse.

¡Encima de su, compañero!

Smile at the customers, salaryman!

Schlesischer Mohnkuchen mit dicken Butterstreuseln nach original schlesischen Familienrezept

That film director man cooks Spotted Dick with butter for his family's unique reception.

Zweckmäßige Handlung, Orientation, Richtung

Deliver message by hand, face the right direction and use flowery language.

Tawelwch! Llyfrgell yw hwn, 'dach i'n gwbod.

Infidel! Bow down before us, the Klingon army!

En caso de ser victima o testigo de un delito en el Metro de Londres, llame a la British Transport Police.
If the trains break down, alternative transport by llama will be arranged by the British Transport Police.

Enchiridion indulgentiarum

And Celine Dion likes being pampered with smells.

Haws twyllo maban na gwrachan.

Prostitutes around here may not be women.

de mieren onder de vloer hebben partijen

The meerkats over there with the voles are having a great party.

Klettern Sie jedes Gebirgssegel jedes Meer

The Jedi Gerbils Collective have just joined the party and are trying to convert the meerkats to Jedi-ism.

Si fallatis officium, quaestor infitias eat se quicquam scire de factis vestris

If you are attending the sexual needs of anyone important, ask how long it will take, if anyone knows where he is and whether it will ruin your clothes.
ningit, Quinte, suntne tua ilia - sine tunica talari - glaciata?
Time warning: Competitors in this free-for-all MUST make their entries within a reasonable time. ZK came very close to having a substitute made ... please, all, take care with your timing - it is important to all parties (e.g. 7:30 for 8:00 means that I turn up at 9:00 so that I can watch everyone else make fools of themselves.)
ningit, Quinte, suntne tua ilia - sine tunica talari - glaciata?
Huh? What did I do?
Nuffin, apart from a 25 minute gap between answer/post; Anyhoo, never take anything here as personal, I simply have to prove that my existence is real and necessary. OK, where's the next party?

So, putting entries back where they belong:

ningit, Quinte, suntne tua ilia - sine tunica talari - glaciata?
Dammit, where's Quentin? He was with us a moment ago... Oh hell, we didn't leave him on the iceberg, did we?

Wenn ich lächele, habe ich eine Öffnung voll der Zähne; wenn ich die Stirn runzele, bin ich nicht hier gleichmäßig.

When I cry, I have offal full of zithering. When my stern rumbles, I don't do any glassmaking here.

Pisteuomen eis hena Theon Patera pantokratora, panton oraton te kai aoraton poiten.
Pisteuomen eis hena kyrion Iesoun Christon, ton huion tou theou, gennezenta ek tou patros monogene, toutestin ek tes ousias tou patros, theon ek theou alethinou, gennethena, ou poiethenta, homoousion toi patgri de ou ta panta egeneto, ta te en toi ouranoi kai ta epi tes ton de hemas tous anthropous kai da ten hemeteran sotererian katelthonta kai sarkothenta kai enanthropesanta, pathonta, kai anasanta tei tritei hemera, kai anelthonta eis tous othranous, kai erchomenon krinai zontas kai nekrous.
Kai eis Hagion Pneuma.
The piston is in father's underwear drawer, the underwear is being aired outside. The piston is in Kylie's bosomy chest, a ton for him, a ton for you, knees up for your father's one-legged jeans, tested on the ooze of your father, you and you with the thin ale, old jeans, or poem-ends, your manly fluids [the remainder of the text describes acts of such depravity as to endanger the reader's virtue were they to be translated].

ipso facto

NHS waiting list for Hip Replacements

Het spijt me, ik spreek geen Engels

I hate spit, me, and that bloke off Vets in Practice said it was icky too.

longum iter atque molestum eos adhuc manebat.
It's a long time at the mausoleum for anyone to smack a lion on the head. (I don't know, these Romans are crazy)

Meenya yest tree syestree ee sobarka. Ya nye paneemaiyoo p'angleeski
*overcoming temptation to translate literally* My wooden sisters are mean bitches. It's true! They spread mayonnaise on my skis and broke them.
Dio mio! E gia mezzogiorno! Dobbiamo sbrigarci!
Holy crap! The pirates threw Dobby off our balcony!

Darling, the ant got loose in the inkwell again and this time he's having an epileptic fit.

mortam sic quisquam exhorruit
If you tell the truth, you are dead!

Je jamais, ne fais jamais cela.

Pyjamas! Nice pyjamas for sale!

Veuillez appeler le directeur, il y a une grenouille dans ma toilette.

Please call Mr Arkwright, Granville's been sick in my toilet.


iudicio? quid enim saluis infamia nummis?
Eustace? Is your family so large that it costs a pound just to say hello?

Il bugiardo vuola buona memoria.

His budgerigar stole a skeleton of mine from the Mines of Moria!

scriptus et in tergo necdum finitus Orestes?
This script is a like a terd down the neck, find the writers and arrest them!

Indem er seinen Mantel anzog und seinen Hut aufsetze, lief er aus dem Zimmer. Das Baden ist hier verboten
Sign the insurance form on the mantle; it insures your hut. Leaf through it and then boil it. Ignore the bad use of verbs.
Gott sei dank
God, I'm drunk!

Du! Deinen Kartoffelsalat ist sehr gemütlich!

Oi, you! I'm going to cart you off as a salad if your mutt does that again!

Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem
Ents do not breed beyond necessity.

Gutta cavat lapidem.

My guts are carving a hole in my lap

Uppror med hjälp av gerillaförband är den verkliga krigföringsmetoden
Doctors are in uproar over help given to a band of guerilla fighters at the vertical Toden Arakawa Line tram service in Tokyo.
Det lyt ein gong fyrst vera.
Vera turn the light on first.

nix gigt's, fisch gibt's!
We are the knights who say Ni! We give you a herring with which to cut down the mightiest tree in this forest!

securus licet Aenean Rutulumque ferocem committas, nulli gravis est percussus Achilles aut multum quaesitus Hylas urnamque secutus
Sexy licences are available from the Ferocious Reticulan Anal committee, but these don't cover beating out people's brains or multiple quantum urn sucking.

Caro dio, sesso me del high. Vorrei credere nella vostra nota. Addestrilo prego calorosamente. Dio, uno da potere me da venire!

My dear, I want to join the mile high club. It will up my street cred and yours. You'll burn off calories! Dear, please, come with me a moment!!!! (said in increasingly desperate voice to an air steward before the passenger was arrested. In her defence, she said she meant she could eat a mile high club biscuit as she was hungry)

Varmista mukava matka: aja autosi junaan. Varaa paikkasi ajoissa
'Tis a misty, moisty morning: I must take the car to June, where I shall park joyfully.

nemo me impune lacessit

(Marlon) Him, my little Nemo, has left!

rubet auditor cui frigida mens est criminibus tacita sudant praecordia culpa
Worldcom auditors are cold men with criminal tendancies who will deny anything is their fault.

valse hoop nooit open deuren

It's not Hoop Night, so open the door!

O bob trwm, trymaf henaint.

Oi, Bob, it's your turn -- I moved to Hainault.

Quid pro quo

Tit for tat

ketam menyuruh anaknya berjalan betul

Budge, Alan, fetch your anorak, get many euros and bet them all.

Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu, Pie Jesu, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona eis requiem
Pies, pies, pies, for Christ's sake. We've pecked at them since Monday. Let's finish off those kebabs.

Vedi Napoli e poi mori.

Get a nap and have more poi.

Wie der Acker, so die Ruben,wie der Vater, so die Buben.
What do Acker Bilk, Ruby Wax and an old fart have in common?

Pana la sfarsitul acestui an ne propunem sa cream si o retea de corespondenti
Pan those farcical ancestors for failing to use proper salad cream to seal their correspondence.

Una furtiva lagrima

secret legroom

os mundi donare flammas et sulfurum minarit - cave quattor equites ultimae exstinctionis!
Our mouth gives forth flames and sulphurous minerals - in the cave where share dealers find their ultimate extinction! (From a description of the circles of Hell.)

Liberté, eqalité, fraternité!

Free kick - equaliser - oh brother! (From the commentary on the '98 World Cup)
Oops, my move.
När kunderna som drabbats protesterat har de mötts av hot om indrivning och stämningar
Don't condemn some lifeless bats - a rat is picketing John Motson, now a hot Buddhist who refuses to drive Scottish cars that stutter. (A letter written to Ally McCoist by a Ukranian fan with a particularly bad dictionary)

dura lex sed lex
Durex - made from legs.

Oppmøtet var også lavere enn regjeringen hadde håpet
This motet shows you how to wash your pet's hat in the rain.

ante bellum

I implore you O sister of my proud father to please call them soonest

Danka zrob-co, bo cie zdupcza
Thankyou to Robbie and gang - when the crowds say Bo! Selecta

Ne pas mélanger piles neuves et usagées
Please don't use melon scrapings on your piles

Muihin konsertteihin myydään lippuja kunkin tilaisuuden järjestäjän valitsemassa lippu
My concert teeth have slipped down the back of the sofa.

By way of the merest hint of a suggestion that a certain stage may have been reached:

Croissant à la Matin-Tonne

Hmm, that looks familiar... French, is it? Let's see, morning... ton... croissant? Something about breakfast?

I'm stumped.

A worry, my fine friend - I wonder whether they are toasted or roasted? Nevertheless, it's the weight that bothers me! Then again, it could be something to with Easter?

I too shall retire.

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