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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
Beagles are a cross between bloodhounds and eagles.
I'm not at all pleased that another lie game has sprouted up.
I'm a terrible liar.
God is made of marshmallow. This was proved by Thomas Aquinas (Summa theologia I a 8 i), but proved controversial in Spain in the late sixteenth century, when it was the cause of a rift between Jesuit and Dominican theologians.
In Warwickshire, Kippers are used as a form of currency.
Castigation can make you go blind.
In Rutland, five pound notes are eaten for breakfast, with a little butter.
Iceland is really made of ice.
My middle name is "Stegosaurus"
I find the problem with living inside a semi-detached leg is the noise from the knee bears.
I always drive at the speed limit.
"Breadmaster" is actually my name. I had a terrible time at school.
I had a terrible time yesterday - it was 93 minutes past pi.
The invisible man crashed his invisible car outside my house today. The police came to clear the crowds - "Move along now, there's nothing to see".
Neil Armstrong came round to see me today. He was completely stoned!
I only have room on my table for one dinner plate. The rest of the space is taken up by serried ranks of salt and pepper pots.
Catholics usually stay home to eat on Fridays in Lent.
Eating is illegal in Paraguay. (but not oral sex).
The Paraguayan government has invested in a little oral hygeine basin, one of which is installed next to the bed in every home.
The sun has got his hat on and he's coming out to play.
Bugger it. Every time I put my hat on it vapourises.
I'm melting in the sun. This is what they call the life.
Parsley was invented by David Dimbleby
Budgerigars have the same density as lead.
The people of the Andes have over one hundred words for Llama droppings.
The escape velocity from the moon is lower than that of the Earth because it is more easily distracted.
The White House in Washington was originally intended to be lime green.
The Washington Memorial was put in upside down.
I have never posted to this game, and never will.
Ibid needs more coffee.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I have just peeled a mandolin.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I have been using the wrong pseudonym.
So have I.
There are 1,473 medically acknowledged complaints attributed to doing housework. There is no known cure for 1,472 of them.
Due to an appalling hearing error, I am currently attached to the front of a 4x4.
Germans actually hate sausages. They eat them only as a penance when they believe they've done something truly naughty.
This is why Fat German is so fat.
<FONT FLAVOR=”butterscotch”> MMmmm. Taste this one. </FONT>
I just licked the screen and now my teeth are stuck together.
I have just licked matt and now MY teeth are mmmmffffff!
I don't want to see that.
Julie Andrews can break down into seven pieces for easy storage on transatlantic flights.
In protest at the behaviour of Jacques Chirac, I am going to dress up as a Freedom maid and freedom kiss everyone I meet, in order to promote sales of freedom letters.
Most movies are actually only 3 minutes long, but they put drugs in the popcorn.
My electricity bill is itemised by watt, and is delivered by camel.
My electricity bill is itemised by Watty, and is delivered by taping it to a football and kicking it across the Atlantic.
I don't possess a modem or even a computer. I post my comments here by making bleeping noises down the phone.
When I first knew him, George W. Bush was my P.E. teacher.
Parliament meets twice a week in my lounge, as the Commons chamber has to be fumigated on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Tony Blair is being made to follow GWB into war with Iraq as a punishment from nanny, because he wouldn't take his Castor Oil. So you see, it is all about oil.
The late Joyce Grenfell was the world's most prolific Concord pilot.
She could also whistle all of the National Anthems of the Communist bloc countries backwards through a sieve.
All the National Anthems of the Communist bloc countries are variations of the Birdie Song.
If you sing the Birdie Song backwards, you will conjure the shade of Karl Marx.
Karl Marx' shade is lilac with a hint of rose.
Hypodermic needles can only be grown if the relative humidity is above 80%.
The hole through the centre of a hypodermic needle is created by specially trained bacteria that eat metal.
Bacteria are easily trained using the 'Woodhouse' Technique.
The 'Woodhouse' Technique is illegal in most southern U.S. States and is in fact punishable by death in Texas - like most things.
I recently converted to the 'Woodhouse' Technique. As a testimonial to its effectiveness, I am happy to say that I am now the proud father of twin otters.
Otters are sexually attracted to fish. They only kill them by accident because of their bungled attempts at fellatio.
I keep a pet water otter in my kitchen. I call her "Kettle".
Kettle is the ancient Mesopotamian Goddess of farting. Hence the phrase "Pot calling the kettle black" is an alternative version of "He who smelt it, dealt it". This is all very important should you ever do Anthropology.
I lied about doing a full house across the front page. There are games I do not understand. Instead, I streaked through Mornington Crescent.
Streaking is named after the Danish maiden Helena Strieker the first known exponent of the exhibitionist art form.
I keep pet water in a bowl in my lounge. Periodically, I take it out for a splash on the pavement. My last pet water dried up in the sun.
When my pet water dies, I will probably flush it down the lavatory.
George W Bush once accidentally flushed himself down the toilet. He was salvaged from the local sewage plant some hours later, though doubt remains even today as to whether they retrieved the right little shit.
Blob] I heartily disaprove of your lack of respect for Mr Bush at the present time.
I voted for George W Bush, and believe he is doing a fine job.
</lie> DrQ, that is simply untoppable. The most audaciously brass-necked statement I ever read. I must resign!
I'm happy Projoy has resigned.
And sod the troops. </lie>For anyone who has reached this page a-la Google; realize that all statements here are lies.<lie>
If your pet water dies, send me a cheque and I will send you a new one in dehydrated form.
Female pole-vaulters are all members of a secret shamanistic sect and practice the art of attracting rabbits by "bunny whistling".
There is no such thing as stair carpet.
'Smoking Crack' is the result of insufficient lubrication.
I still believe George W Bush is doing a fine job. We're a lot better off under him than we were under Bill Clinton (although I do have to say that Clinton has good taste in women.)
Fat German is an excellent lubricant.
A snorgle is a type of Kagool.
Bob the dog is a spoonerism of an Irish phrase, "dob the bog", which is skinny dipping in swampland.
A whole quart of stray water followed me home tonight.
[Projoy] I'm sorry - that was from my Red Dragon's water dish. He's flaming mad right now.
Although tents have the right to vote in the UK, very few are ever canvassed.
I believe in Miracles.
Genghis Khan and his Mongol Horde were a popular swing band in the 1920's.
Tony Blair can hold his breath for four days, 13 hours, 25 minutes and 13 seconds.
Corgis can run backwards twice as fast as they can run forewards.
Volkswagen diesel engined cars can run on Ribena.
Advertising executives are cannibalistic, and devour their old.
Leather sofas are made from tanned voles.
Robbie Coltrane weighs 7 stone.
Ibid has a very busy life, with no time to waste. So do I!
*Break in space-time continuum*
The earth has corners.
The earth has oblongoids.
I used to suffer from oblongoids, but the cream really helped.
South America doesn't really exist. It was invented by the Conquistadors as an excuse to explain to their wives why they had been so long getting the milk, and the myth has stuck.
Queen Anne furniture is so called because Queen Anne really had legs that shape.
Paracelsus was right.
Paracelcus used to be known as Paracentigrade.
I just spent a whole morning incubating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox.
I just spent a whole morning masticating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox. No that can't be right.
I am Toyah Willcox!
Toyah Will[censored] is banned in Utah.
I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay.
Rhubarb is delicious raw.
Projoy] - do you now? Fancy a night out?
Utah is banned in Utah.
[snorgle] That was horrible.
DrQu+xum is a saint in Utah. His Holy Day is 25/11/02. So, unfortunately we've missed it.
I represent the constituency of Earth West in the Solar System Senate.
Naturally, I live in the Western Hemisphere.
Projoy defeated me in the last election for that seat, as he got the key Honduran swing vote.
Honduran swingers are the key to most elections.
Hondurans hold the best swinging parties.
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