mc5 - ... so help me God.

ZK

I am devstated that the European cup has come round again and that I have to eat handfuls of Doritos just to ensure an England victory.

Bob the dog

Leaky football? A large dollop of peanut butter makes an ideal substitute.

Raak

There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.

Tuj

My friend Doormatt invented the skip with steps (so you can get out of it easily).

Falstaff

I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.

Bob the dog

I invented the preposition fishing rod, but it never caught 'on'.

Boolbar

I invented a canvas house for mothers but I couldn't get a patent.

DrQu+xum

I invented a new spaceship but it never got off the ground.

Tuj

I invented the birthday.

Tuj

I also patented monarchy, but they refuse to pay me royalties... Groan

ZK

I patented the keyboard. Pay up.

Deek

I invented non-stick glue.

Bob the dog

I invented the joke about the toothless budgerigar, but it didn't succeed.

Boolbar

I invented a machine for human cloning but since then everyone's copied me.

Tina

I invented the hat. Top that!

Bob the dog

I invented a double-entendre machine, but the knob kept coming off in my hand.

DrQu+xum

I invented an instant English-to-Spanish translator, but Πήρα τη γλώσσα λανθασμένη.

widey

With the adept use of 8 shaving mirrors and 1 clothes mirror, I can view the scene outside of my bed room window while making a cup of tea in the kitchen! I am a nosey neighbour!!!

Tuj

I invented nipple creep to undermine ZK.

Angus Prune

I invented the internet.

ZK

Angus Prune, thou art yet a child.

ZK

And so am I, if it comes to that.

Robin

I'm so old, I was born in black and white.

plump

I invented the boneless chicken, it's over there in that bucket.

DrQu+xum

I invented binary. -1!

Tuj

I invented the binary -1, and shelves.

Snagandorf

i invented a propetual motion machine but couldent keeb the thing running for more than five minuts.

Bob the dog

I invented a robot that doesn't work in order to give the unemployed a break.

Chalky

I've got a luvverly buch of coconuts ....

Chalky

OK - maybe I meant 'bunch'

ZK

I've got a luvverly Buch of coconuts, which I picked up in Bonn from a man who bore a striking resemblance to Terry Jones.

Deek

It is a little known fact that Terry Jones is actually Aled Jones's dad.

Bob the dog

...and his mother is Catherine Zeta Jones.

Kim

Catherine was, of course, the Jones's sixth child.

DrQu+xum

I invented the Greek alphabet so Welsh women could have odd middle names.

Angus Prune

Catherine's father being Tom Jones of course.

Angus Prune

Her uncle is Griff Rhys Jones

Angus Prune

Terry Jones' father was Tommy Lee Jones. Aled Jones' long lost brother is James Earl Jones.

Angus Prune

I could go on like this all day

Tuj

It's all lies. They're all Smiths in disguise. There is no such thing as a Jones.

Deek

Yes, that is true. Half of the Smiths family changed their names to Jones when their cousin, W.H., opened his first newsagent. The reason for this defection? They were alergic to newspapers. They developed a black rash on their fingers whenever they came into contact with one.