Spooky. That was the one I was thinking of as well.
"In this my eleventh Budget, my report to the country is of rising employment and rising investment; continuing low inflation, and low interest and mortgage rates . . ."
So, what about cancer? One little cell screws up, and then boom!, they're all at it. I mean, what's with that? It's like you got a bunch of little sheep cells there in your body 'Baaaah, baaaaah, metaaaaastaaaaasize. And have you noticed how funny people behave when they get cancer in their brain...
"Any jokes, shaggy dog stories and opinions I am about to tell you here this evening that being told by me and are intended for this audience and should not be repeated unless approval has been explicitly stated. Anything I say that may or may not be humourous and comical is intended solely the individuals or entity that make up the audience. If you are not the intended recipient..."
There are many amusing things that happen in my job as a management consultant, and this evening I should like to recount a few, which I am sure you will enjoy.
Peace, man, peace, I'm da rappin' policeman. I'm tappin' on your window and ello ello ello, innit? I'm drivin' in my car, an' arrestin' you for marijuana. (continues for ten minutes)
Erm...erm... is this thing on?...*thud*...*crackle*...can you all hear me back there?...Hello?..*bzzzzt*....I say *crackle* can you all...can you *crackle* hear me?...*CRACK*...Sorry, not used to these microphones...is that better? can you all hear...I say, can you all hear me back there?...
They say the best comedians are laughing on the outside but crying on the inside. Well, frankly, I couldn't give a shit. In this business, it's all down to the quality of the audiences. So, I hope you lot are the 'laughing on the outside' types, or I'll be sending the boys with the baseball bats into the auditorium.
My name's Mark and I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause) I DESPERATELY WANT A SHAG. (pause, clears throat). OK, you're probably not going to like the rest of my routine, then.
RAT-A-TAT-TAT-TAT ..... [insert the sound of shattered chandeliers crashing to the floor *HERE* amid intermittent gunfire] ....A-TAT-A-TAT... Now if all the ladies present will remove their jewelry and place it along with their other valuables and credit cards onto the table before them and you gents do the same with your wallets. My able assistants will move among you and collect it. Let's have no dead heroes, and I am sure you will all be laughing about this tomorrow.
I say, I say, I say. There was -- no, there were -- an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman -- no that's wrong, there were an Englishman, a German, and...hold on, let me check my notes...
Who is that talking while I'm talking? I can wait all night if necessary; it's your time you're wasting. Very well, since we can't behave like grownups, everybody: fingers on lips, bottoms on the floor.
[CdM] I've got a cancer-centred routine. My dad died of cancer seven years ago, they rang me up from the hospital and said 'Sorry, I'm afraid we've lost your dad'. I said "don't worry, he can't have got far in his condition". Bloody NHS, couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery, but the responses are pre-programmed from a very young age, aren't they, so I went through them: "have you looked properly?", "where did you see him last", "think back to what you were doing when you last had him"... and so on and so forth.
Thank you for choosing me for your pleasure today. I hope you have a safe journey home, and will consider using me for your pleasure again. As you leave, please pick up a customer satisfaction survey, which you can fill out and return to me via the attached pre-paid envelope.
Just a word before we start about the theory behind my practice, I use a range of sexual modalities to enable us both to explore and work through the emotional, cultural and genital aspects of your feelings. I want you to know that all of your desires are legitimated in this context and I'm targeting this session towards the objectives that you can see I've written up here on the whiteboard. Do feel free to mention if you'd like us to re-examine those objectives together and perhaps amend them according to your needs as a client and mine as a practitioner. Now, are you happy if we start with the tits?
By entering these premises you agree that sessions may be recorded for staff training purposes and that data collected may be shared with other businesses.
[KNOCK] [KNOCK] Oh blessed heavens, Mr. Jones, I have been searching for you for days. You accidentally left your wallet and credit cards in the motel room, here they are. No thank you, knowing you have them back safely is reward enough.
AT THE T'IRD STROKE, THE TOIME SPONSORED BY THE ORANGE ORDER WULL BE SUX FIFTEEN PRESOISLY (Apologies for any transcription errors trying to represent that dialect.)
Thank you for calling the philosophical speaking clock. Before we can commit to applying a particular scale and measurement to this thing we call "time", I think it's important that we can be sure we know what is meant by the term. In this phone call, I will marshal evidence from the disciplines of physics, theology and flower arranging to consider a range of interpretations of the concept of time and will problematise both the classical notion of time as a continuous dimension and the more recent idea of time as a quantum phenomenon. As always in these matters, it is well to return to Aristotle, who said...
Thank you for calling the fundamentalist speaking clock. At the third stroke it'll be exactly 6004 years, 13 months, 16 days, 5 hours, 4 minutes and 40 seconds since creation.
This is a really stupid job, I mean, you can get wristwatches that automatically synchronise to the Riugby transmitter, and any sensible mobile phone will sync as soon as you turn it on, and you can get the time over the internet, and your cable feed will keep your DVR on time, so what does anyone need to ring me up for? It's like that woman who carried the time from Greenwich to London right up until 1939, when they'd had the telegraph since the nineteenth century. This isn't a proper job, it's a living history exhibit, and at the third stroke it will be time to heave yourself into the 21st century.
"ohhhhh baby, I know how you like it....slowwww and steeeeady...tick tock....tick tock...oh yesssss...that's the rhythm you like.....and I can give it to you darling, 24/7....tick tock....tick tock....i won't let you down doll, 'cause I've got ambidextrous hands....and a one track mind....tick tock....tick tock....slowwww and steeeeady....just the way you like it....ohhhhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh....who's your daddy now?.....tick tock....tick tock...."
My first is in flannel but not in towel my second's in shovel and also in trowel my third is in upshot and utter and u-bolt my fourth is in rifle and also in Northolt my fifth is in twaddle and teaspoon and teddy my sixth is in Helen but never in Reddy my seventh in iron is first in the line my eighth is in red sky a delightful sign my ninth is in toothbrush and taxi and tack my tenth is in yo-yo and yam and in yak just add thirty seconds, by now make it fifty and you've got the time without looking. How nifty!
The big hand is pointing somewhere between the twelve and the one, the little hand is pointing somewhere between the three and the six. So it must be twenty past twelve. or so. ish.
Look! The sooner you finish the two press-ups, the sooner we can get down to the Sunday Buffet at the Chinese. It's 9.99 for everything you can eat today.
Here boy, here boy, Over to the running machine! Come on! That's it. Goooooood boy. Have a chocolate treat. All right, come on, boy, jump up. Gooood. All right, here we go... Walkies!
Now, sit on the floor cross-legged, lotus posture if you can manage it, close your eyes, and chant along wth me, "Ommmmm.....", and as you feel the vibrations filling you, visualise those muscles getting stronger, "OMMMmmmmmmm.........., imagine running effortlessly, "OMMMMMMmmmmmmm.............."
Right, twenty pressups NOW, and if I see that flabby belly touch the floor once, *thwack* it'll be six more of these *thwack*. And remember to say "Thank you, Mistress" after each one or you'll get an hour chained to the treadmill.
[Rosie] I think perhaps Simons' title is too broad. He may be asking for "furry fandom" input, on the other hand he may, for example, mean the tall skeleton with the hooded black robe and the scythe. I think clarification is required before any posts can be made, or we'll all be confused.
Is it the old Goon Show joke? "Would you like to see my impressions of wax fruit?" "Can you do a banana?" Pause... "In the privacy of your own home, you CAN do a banana."
[all] Ah, I see what you mean. I did intend to cover all forms of avatar, including the bony chap, but in hindsight that is a bit broad. Carry on with the tooth fairy?
Dear Lucy, Your recent payment of one incisor was credited to your account yesterday. Be aware that due to shifts in certain volatile market assets you are currently in a position of significant negative equity vis-a-vis your dental assemblage. I have regretfully decided to foreclose on your remaining debt and would appreciate your payment of the outstanding balance (currently assessed at two canines, a premolar, two molars and a wisdom tooth) by close of business Thursday.
Dear William, It has come to my attention that your brother George has never provided me with a tooth in trade. I would muchly like to add one of his pristine enamels to my collection, but based on his unwillingness to cooperate, I beseech you to acquire one for me. I will pay triple the going rate. It would please me to no ends if you would procure for me the complete collection, at which time I may have another little favor to ask. Yours In Good Faith,
*jangling chord* NOBODY expects Santa Claus! Our two weapons are our sinister laugh *HO HO HO* and our menacing red cloak -- and our minute record of all your sins... Our three weapons...
Among our multiple and diverse weapons of terror are these: our sinister laugh *HO HO HO*, our menacing red cloak with the furry bits, our record of your sins, our knobbly sack, and our little elves. Will you confess now, or must we play you -- THE JINGLE BELLS! *evil maniacal laughter*