If you don't mind, I'll just peek in from the door. I can't set foot in these places ever since I signed a pact in blood with a tall dark stranger. BTW, do you know you've got half a dozen demons perched on your head and shoulders right now?
"PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!" Whewwwww!!! I'm glad I didn't let that one go at the dinner table......erm......I mean Hallalujah brothers and sisters, the daemons have been purged! Amen!
Worst Thing To Say To A Policeman Who's Just Pulled You Over
Officer, I know I've done wrong! It's this mascara with this foundation, isn't it? What can I say? It was all I had in the house! If I could only have gone a little faster I could have made it to the Avon shop before you caught me!
Now , now! You wouldn't ticket a poor disabled person, would you? I'm colour blind, you see. Red light, green light... makes no difference whatsoever to me.
As far as I was concerned the light was green. You say it was red. Well, that's a relativistic approach velocity for you. Nothing wrong in that, is there?
On my word as a gent*hiccle* a gent *hiccle* man I hoin't been *hic* droinking orifice*hic* sir. In fact I am suffering such an orful deficit of the subshtituance I am *hic* halu*hic*halu*hic*inating and being convinced I am having sunstroke I am embracing this mirage in my dieing moments by confishcuing this camel to deliver me to the oasis.*hic*
"you mean putting your hazard lights on doesn't suspend the parking laws? since when?"(go to bridgnorth in south shropshire and you'll see this point of view in action, sadly no one ever gets booked for it.)
I saw a sign over there with an arrow that said "Park", so I parked here on the lawn. I didn't realise, until you so kindly pointed out a moment ago, that it meant a public park and not a parking lot.
I'm surprisred that they even make police uniforms in your size. Yours must be made of highly elastic stretch fabric to accomodate that huge beer belly.
"Ooh, can I see your truncheon?" and on that piece of unadulterated smut, can I suggest a change of topic?
Worst Things to Hear From Your Doctor
/optician/dentist/opthamologist/gynaecologist/acupuncturist/whatever takes your fancy, in this smorgasbord of medical options we find ourselves faced with these days.
Congratulations, Mr. Murphy! A picture of the nethermost regions of your sigmoid colon will soon appear in the International Journal of Proctology. I have never seen one as intriguing as yours.
Well, we did the genetic testing to find a suitable marrow donor and we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your cousin Sheila is a match, the bad news is that your dad absolutely does not match you genetically and is therefore NOT your biological father. Don't look at ME like that! Ask your Mom what happened.
We've found out what's wrong with you, Mr. Moynihan. I'll try to put in very simple terms for you: There's an inflammatory fistula in the anteriomedial segment of your submandibular parotid sinus, which is now compressing the seventh cranial nerve ganglion plexus, but which fortunately bypasses the thyroglossal duct by a millimeter. However, its proximity to the posterior parathyroid segmental cannulus will necessitate the initial removal of the fibrocystic uvulolaryngeal abcess that's draining into your pneumothorax causing the clonic paroxysmal spasms of your bronchiolar fundus.