Walkthrough of a videogame.

Michael Fish gets it wrong again.

A lot of people get out of a Nazi prison camp, but most of them get caught.

Two unlikely halves of a pair spend 120 minutes getting eachother exactly where they each want to be. One stunning lycra moment not to be missed

Billed as a love story, but it's too cold for anyone to get their clothes off.

Chirpy Redcoats shoot lots of black tribesmen.

Lots of people, many of whom look like Peter Sellers, fail to prevent the end of the world.

Two wooden leads battle it out in a charmingly cliched, hammed-up swords and sorcery 'epic', filled with bit-part actors drawn from 1970s ITV series and special effects based on ping-pong balls and silly string. And the soundtrack makes it sound like disco was invented in the Middle Ages.

A whodunnit for which three different endings were filmed, proving that the filmmakers have as little an idea of who actually did it as the audience, and even less of an inclination to find out.

So, the immature, crass guy gets to be successful, and the deep, intelligent one gets binned. Oh, and it's about baseball.

Failing nun sings a lot with children. There are mountains.

Diminutive record producer steals music from composer, and disfigures his face for good measure. Then everybody dies.

Two actors drink lots of alcohol and take lots of drugs, which results in one of them nearly sleeping with a fat guy.

A chap is thoroughly ruined and betrayed by some fellows, then set to rights and made wealthy and powerful by another fellow. The latter dies, but the former are still alive so he shows them what's what.

What appears to be the prequel to the survivor reality series and David Attenborough's nature extravaganzas. This production includes, basically, one man, one wolf and some buffalo. The man learns to say 'buffalo' in the native indian language and has it off with a squaw, finally riding off into a snowy sunset. Oh, yes, the wolf dies.

Bangbangbang$$$$$$$$$!!!!

Several stars of the silver screen appear with Steve Martin without being aware of it.

No it isn't.

Well, there's an American, and he turns into a werewolf while he's in London.

This guy gets out of jail, meets up with his brother to restart a band they used to be in. They play a few gigs, and both of them end up in jail.

Some men sail a ship, get off it, get on it, carry on till they get where they were going.

Have you ever tried to find a phone box that works? Still who uses them anyway - except as a toilet that is? Seems like London is no different toi New York after all.

Two murderesses battle it out to see who can most successfully trade off the stupidity of their home city. A number of innocent lives are ruined/lost on the way, half including the women, who get a brief comeuppance but then exploit murder together to find fame in a showstopping final number celebrating the fact that corruption pays. The only truly nice person dies halfway through the movie.

Jesus bleeds. A lot. In aramaic, hebrew, and latin, with subtitles.

Young american children dance in a slightly provocative fashion. In the end, no-one really minds. And their parents start doing it.

Remember that popular children's book it took Stephen Fry all Christmas Day to read on Radio 4? Well, we can do it in a millionth of the time with a whopping 2, 000 pence special effects budget. And some child actors.

The (frequently naked) guy from Clockwork Orange shags everyone, including his sister (many times), Helen Mirren, and a hairy man. Like a Black Widow spider he then kills most of them and a large amount of passers-by and bystanders, and uses the word 'logical' a lot. Will Caligula get his comeuppance? Oh, graphically - now that's what we call poetic justice!

The (frequently topless) guy from Clockwork Orange follows his tedious sister around, trying to persuade her to shag him so that she won't turn into a vicious cat-like beast and claw to death whoever else she's shagging, the little minx. It's a remake.

There's this man, right, who's a bit like a spider, and he goes round acting like a man but has to hide the fact that he's a bit like a spider or the baddie (Willem Dafoe with a Gollum complex) will attack him on a motorised surfboard.

A woman who doesn't speak spends an entire movie playing the piano and arguing with ugly people about other ugly people. At the end of the movie she throws away the piano.

Remember that popular children's book that Stephen Fry filled up 8 CDs reading? Well, we can do it in a billionth of the time with a whopping 2, 008 pence special effects budget. This time we have Christian Coulson.

Approximately 94 minutes running time.

Gene Kelly plays Jerry Mulligan, an American living in Paris.

King of Siam and the governess of his children spend some time over 2 hours sexlessly bickering. Then he dies.

Like the above movie, but without Yul Brynner, or any songs to take your mind off the fact that the King of Siam has hair.