Mornington Crescent (thanks rab!)/Chute Horse Road
Act I, Scene 1. A beach in Bohemia. Enter Boleti and Azulejo
( [Offstage wailing] / Damn this bifurcation. Ruislip Manor/Tower Hill, a move which keeps me in play but costs me all but one of my silver tokens ) / ( ( Swiss Ham / Kylie's ) / Dunno. Don't watch telly.)
Where I've used brackets to indicate furcation levels, and introduced a game of Small Earthquake... somewhere in the middle. Arrrgh...
Film , 5 Words, Desperately Contrived
Fred: Oi, Eric! Which department are you doing tonight?
Eric: I'm on greens, mate. Why?
Fred: We're down two olfactory testers over in root veg and there's a big shipment coming in. I was hoping to get some help.
Eric: Sorry, Fred, there's no way -- we've got two container-loads of lettuce that need sniffing, and that's before we even get onto the spinach. Can't you pass some of it on to Ernie down in pulses?
Fred: Done that already. He's got one of his chaps working the overflow on turnips and carrots, and I think we can handle the surplus parsnips in-house, but I still need someone to take on...
| Furcation I : Stratford-Upon-Crescent | Boleti: And why, forsooth, are you accompanied By these vermine, so dank and tawdry? |
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| Furcation II : Reverse Chalk Farm '84 | This should help matt out a bit: Euston (Bank Branch)/Euston (Charing Cross Branch) |
| Furcation III : Boardman's Combined | Square Oval |
| Furcation IV : Small Earthquake in Chile | Lamb |
| Furcation V : Sound Charades | Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is the only fruit/veg related film I can think of, but I don't think it's that. |
| Furcation VI : Limericks | Who kept a very dull log |
I almost considered making the last game Limacres for a minute.
| Furcation I : Stratford-Upon-Crescent | Graziela: These secret, black and midnight weasels three Doth speed my coach, and double as my tea. 'Tis quicker, by my troth, to get them trained, Far more than all my shrews, as yet untamed. But I, I am more shap'd for sportive tricks Than shuttling messages beyond the Styx. I prithee, vaunt my skill as ballroom dancer! |
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| Furcation II : Oh Yes It Is! |
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| Furcation III : Reverse Chalk Farm '84 | [Projoy] I admire your attempt to reunify the entire game; as to your other question, hmm. Green Park/Park Royal, leaving it open for matt. |
| Furcation IV : Boardman's Combined | Waterchute |
| Furcation V : Small Earthquake in Chile | Attacks |
| Furcation VI : Sound Charades | [matt] Yes it was Farscape - knew you'd get it. As for the this: best I can get is Smeller's Scents Of Snow (maybe Sorrel?), but I know that's wrong. |
| Furcation VII : Limericks | The dog cocked its leg |
| i Stratford | Graziela: Thy fortune, wretch, is plain for all to see If dance ye not, imperilled shall you be All men who walk these sands accurséd are Their choice: to die, or do the Cha Cha Cha! Azulejo: Bloody 'ell! Boleti: Thou ain't kidding, sunshine! Graziela: If you wouldst live beyond this night, then go! Grab thee a weasel, slow slow quick quick slow! | |||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Graziela: Oh yes I did! Boleti: Oh no... fair enough, you win. Enter Prince Charming | |||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Wembley Olympia, shunting Projoy into the Mens' 10m platform competition | |||
| iv Small Earthquake | Britney's | |||
| v Sound Charades | [Martha] You're right, that's not it. The old words-not-used test should help -- and remember which department Fred's in. | |||
| vi Limacres |
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| i Stratford | Enter drunk lutenist, who strums almost tunefully Boleti: What is this noise that has just started and so painfully my earlobes parted? Lutenist: For 'tis the weasel dance Sire The one the king doth most admire Graziela: (to audience) Not when I have my way And the king have banished away! | ||||||||||||||||||||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Prince Charming: Ah, Princess Graziela, the fairest of all in this land. Graziela: (coyly) Prince Charming! (to audience) The most handsome prince there ever was; I wonder if he do ask for my hand in marriage? Prince Charming falls to knees, unaware of the arrival of Dobbin the Pantomime horse in the background. Charming: I was wondering, o fair Graziela Graziela flutters eye-lashes Dobbin approachs Charming and Graziela, inserting his nose right into the middle of their entrace and brays loudly Charming: Away with you, nag, before I turn you into glue. Back half of Dobbin lifts his tail; front half of Dobbin assumes expression of horror, and runs away as quickly as possible, the two halves separating. The two chase each other round for minutes until being shooed off stage by Charming. Audience: Cheers | ||||||||||||||||||||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Shepherd's Loo, which I believe takes Blob out of the game. Sorry, Blob. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| iv Small Earthquake | Enormously | ||||||||||||||||||||
| v Sound Charades | I think Martha knows matt's one and on the assumption that he gets this one, I'll gift him two points. Film - One word
Hope that's the right kind of thing; not done this before. | ||||||||||||||||||||
| vi Limacres |
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| vii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,999 VD clinics | ||||||||||||||||||||
| i Stratford | [Cast and weasels line up in 2 columns and begin courtly dancing, Lutenist calling out the dances]
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| ii Oh Yes It Is! |
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| iii Fork Charm 48 | James Bond on Mary Whitehouse, reversing. [Blob] Nice move! |
| iv reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy] It's really the simple minimalist elegance of your move, in the manner of Mies van der Rohe and Kasimir Malevich that freaks me out. |
| v Small Earthquake | Overinflated |
| vi Sound Charades | OK. [matt] Is it The Swede Smeller's Excess = The Sweet Smell of Success? I figured "Smell" was right, and then went through all the smelly films I could think of. [rab] Hmm, not sure. Is it maybe Signs = Sines?? Prob'ly not. (PS. good clue) |
| vii Limacres | I'll start with an easy rhyme, this time. |
| viii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,998 VW Golfs |
| ix Nostalgia for Last Week | Ee, I remember when all the kids were copying David Beckham's Cornrow hairstyle and listening to Girls Aloud, by eck, those were the days. |
| i Stratford | [Exeunt] Act I, Scene 2 Castle Drogo. Enter King Syze, his daughter Meediam, Peugeot the Fool and assorted courtiers Princess Meediam: Honoured father, why mayn't I perchance | ||
| ii Oh Yes It Is! | Prince Charming: Tell him? Doesn't he already know that his land is being ravished by a vicious flame-spouting dragon that... [Graziela slaps him] Azulejo: Welcome to married life, Prince! Graziela: [to Azulejo] You can shut up for a start. [to the Prince] No, my love, tell him he's going to gain a son. Prince Charming: Your mother's pregnant? [Graziela sighs heavily] Boleti: [to Graziela] Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he? | ||
| iii Fork Charm 48 | Old Kent Road, putting all Monopoly stations in strick. [Blob] Hurrah! | ||
| iv Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy] Who could fail to salute such a move? The Earth and Sky do bow down before its magnificence! The bones of the Hell-Hounds tremble to see such a move dawning upon the Earth. In the face of such brilliance what remains to be done? Nothing! So that's what I'll do. | ||
| v Small Earthquake | Bald | ||
| vi Sound Charades | [Martha] Spot on. Wot, no charade? Well, in the meantime, scrape the bottom of the barrel with this (which is both rubbish and offensive, and won't even be topical for another 6 months): Inscribed in hieroglyphics on the tomb of Thutmos III: Book & Film, 5 Words Trinny: Dear God, Susannah, I don't know how much more of this I can take! Susannah: I know, darling, I know. Believe me, I've been celibate since Spring/Summer 2002, I know the price of fashion. Trinny: Ever since sodding Lagerfeld went on his "Convent" kick we've all had to abstain from, well, you know what, and by now I'm climbing the bloody walls! If it goes on much longer I'll have to run amok with an axe! Susannah: Just hang on a little while, the 2004 collections aren't far away and my spies in the couture houses tell me it'll be all-change this autumn. Trinny: You mean...? Susannah: Yes, my dear. Praise be to God and Coco Chanel, next season we'll be saying goodbye to primly-artificial sexual frustration and a grateful hello to... | ||
| vii Limacres |
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| viii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,997 Portmeirion umbrellas | ||
| ix Nostalgia for Last Week | Girls Aloud? Eee bah goom, you were lucky! In my day theer was nothing to watch all dee long but Big Brother, and we only got to see that if us'd been top on Celebdaq. We'd've killed for Girls Aloud ginna chance. | ||
| x Tasting Notes | This one has a remarkable nose, oozing with strawberry shortcake and parma violets, then really hits the back of the throat with the rich lushness of steak tartare and elderflower before a lingering ketamine and marjoram finish with notes of rutting mink. Well worth 17 points in anyone's book! (Available in limited quantities from Oddbins and selected branches of Homebase.) |
I felt the need to revive Raak's Battenburg look, something which had an unprecendented effect on the number of bifurcations I needed to take. Maybe some of them can be reunified next time. I dunno.
| i Stratford |
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| ii Two Words | Grange Hill | ||||
| iii Oh Yes It Is! | Enter Buttons, played by Jade from Big Brother 3 Buttons: Nar ven kids, we wanna tell yer right, vat pregnancy right is WILL YER JUST SHUT AP FOR A MINUTE pregnancy right is just like fer adolts right so we don't wan any of yer kids getting up the duff right so if yer gonna dip yer wick yer wanna get one of them cordons on right yeah WILL YER STOP BEIN SO BLUMMIN TWO FACED RIGHT yeah so get one of them Dulux cordon thingies from yer B&Q any yer will LEAVE IT AHT ... Voice fades as dragged offstage by Graham Norton | ||||
| iv Butler Did It | The Matrix - Special Effects Overload | ||||
| v Fork Charm 48 | Tottering and Leaden [matt] Yes, you are in a pickle aren't you? [Blob] If you must. | ||||
| vi Douglas Smith | An easy one to start: fring-cha *burp* dip-dip-dip atschoo! | ||||
| vii Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Projoy, re your fridge] Sorry, I lied. For some reason I thought you had the Delux Plus model. Of course, missing that all-important flange, the trick doesn't work on the straight Delux version. Meanwhile, the grace displayed by that move of yours has left me so stupefied I have no option but to drop out of the game. Congratulations! Surely you must be top of the ladder now? | ||||
| viii Baker Street | Hammersmith, denying home. | ||||
| ix Small Earthquake | COOT. A Heat magazine piece on seabird-fancying that one. | ||||
| x Dull anecdotes | Once upon a time I went to the Post Office to purchase four first class stamps. At 27p each the bill came to £1.08. Handing over £1.10 I was surprised to receive what looked like two five pence pieces as change. Before remonstrating, I noticed in fact that they were just shiny one pence pieces. Lucky that I spotted this in time, or else I would have had egg on my face I can tell you. | ||||
| xi Sound Charades | No bloody idea. You know I'm a bad reader, and refuse to see Hollywood flicks on principle. Not that it's a high-minded principle, though. Has more to do with the fact you tend to get more full-frontal no-bolds-harred nudity in the arty pictures. But you have to get something for three quid and two hours of reading Greek subtitles to an Armenien film. That's what I say anyway. | ||||
| xii Inside the mind of a cat | Looks like someone's reading the newspaper. Can't have that, so I'll have to amble along and sit on the bit they're reading. | ||||
| xiii Limacres |
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| xiv Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | One of those dolls that grows real hair, sheds real tears and leaves real poo in its nappy. | ||||
| xv 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,996 Welsh tourist attractions (excluding sheep) | ||||
| xvi Just a Minim | What shall we do with a drunken sailor? How should we deal with an inebriated seaman? What's the story with the pissed nautician? Ear-lie in the morning. Hoo-ray and up she rises | ||||
| xvii Nostalgia for Last Week | I look back wistfully on the days where you could go to the cinema, see a film, have a pint and a kebab on the way home and still get change for a tenner. And none of that two-hours-of-advert crap either, just a straight 20 minutes of ads, 10 of trailers. Oh and that quaint tradition of putting the BBFC certificate up at the start of the film. Those were the days. | ||||
| xviii Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently? | Might I start by recommending Cinnamon on the Mancunian Curry Mile? A more interesting set of chutneys than is standard and a pretty good jalfrezi. I would warn that the pardesi rather over-eggs the spinach pudding and that the after-dinner sludge makes a poor substitute for coffee. Regular customers, however, are often rewarded with a dram on the house, and Khal seems like a nice chap. | ||||
| xx Tasting Notes | Mmmm... I'm getting the bouquet of balsa-wood packing case ... I'm getting the texture of athlete's foot ... I'm getting the unmistakable acid overtones of yokel's piss ... I'm getting that unique sensation of earwig poo ... Oh! I seem to be getting a most exquisite food poisoning ... I'm getting hallucinations ... flashing blue lights ... I'm getting the most wonderful release in my stomach ... all for an extremely reasonable £4.99 from Victoria's Bottom. | ||||
| xviii Let Me Check My Oats | Today, my oats are looking very healthy, nay positively radiant. I put this down to two hours' exposure to sunlight each day, yet being kept in an airtight container. |
Some interesting reunifications suggest themselves, but I don't think it'll be my turn again for some time. Let's see what, if anything, everyone else makes of this.
| i Euripedes | King Syze: What cause have I to think of suitors? Do you not know of the dreadful curse That binds each one of us into a terrible Cycle of cruelty and death? My great-great-grandfather, Exter-Lahj be his name, Once insulted the god Apollo, him who pulls the sun Each day across the sky. He thumbed his nose And sacrificed a space-hopper in lieu of a sheep Since that time all has come to naught No crops can be brought to fruition in our earth Nor can the ground be broken with our plowshares Which means I shall have to prove my loyalty to Zeus By amending my great-great-grandfather's foolishness And sacrificing you this afternoon, my child. | ||||||||
| ii Brecht | Enter Angord, a courtier Angord: My lord, the peasants are rising in the bailey. They are threatening to burn down this castle and kill everyone in it, including us. | ||||||||
| iii Pinter | King Syze: Who's Bob the Dog? Peugeot: Er. King Syze: You must be pissed. Peugeot: Bastard. Meediam: 'Ere, whoss your game 'en? Peugeot: ... King Syze: I've seen an advertisement in the paper. Meediam: Yeah, whoss it say? King Syze: Dunno, I can't read. Peugeot: No-one cares about me. I'm going outside. [Exit] King Syze: Where's that geezer got to then? Meediam: Dunno. | ||||||||
| iv Feydeau | King Syze: Or as my wife Sue Per-Syze doth crave for sleepless nights, maybe. You know, I'm sure she's two-timing me behind my back, and if I could only catch her at it... Enter Francoise, the maid Francoise: Your Majesty! There's a witch at the door outside, with a lutenist and 2 courtiers! Quick, we'll have to hide you! Enter Graziela, Lutenist, Boleti and Azulejo Boleti: Wahey, baby! | ||||||||
| v Alan Bennett | Princess Meediam: I used to dream of Custard Creams thirty year ago, back when they were rationing 'em, aye, we used to get t' biscuit coupons off of the old man in number 32. Or it could've been number 30. Any road, our mam always said, don't go nicking Custard Cream coupons, it's common and it's what the poor boys do. Well I were right chuffed to bits I were when this old man Charlie his name wor, he says "Ayup" and I says to him "'Ow 'bout them coupons then?" and 'e takes out his great butcher's knife and skims it across... no that's a different story that is, well I didn't know where to look when he got out his vouchers and ooh I felt like a proper one-day millionaire I did, that's what they used to call us down at the ol' rubbish dump where they was scouring around for mothballs. Peugeot, King Syze: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz | ||||||||
| vi Sheridan | King Syze: Pray, dearest daughter, list awhile to my list, ha ha. Suitable suitors abound in this fair licentious city. We have Sir James Ugly, Lord Ripoff, Mr Samuel Thickasaplank, Captain Bragalot, his nephew Joshua Boringarse, the Fractious brothers, Viscount Fatso, the Duke of Nasty, Mr and Mrs Smalldong's son Ivor, Colonel Shit, Baron Nobrain and Ebenezer Fascist-Dictator. Meediam: Oh no, father, I want somebody young and extravagant, someone like poor John Lovelie. I have lately detected him in frequent conference with your steward Azulejo, whom I recently approached in the aspiration of arrangement of a meeting. It is my belief that when he returns, he shall bring that sweet-tempered gay young libertine in tow, whence I shall spirit him away to my boudoir. Peugeot: gasps | ||||||||
| vii Two Words | Good move | ||||||||
| viii Tennessee Williams | Graziela: That's right, missy. Pregnancy ain't good, and Ah should know, boy Ah remember at the summer ball when the nice-looking woodcutter from Georgia was a-comin' round with his little blond moustache and his big silver watch and he said "Lady, I wanna take you back home for some good old-fashioned... Azulejo: Hey, hey, hold your horses lady. Boleti: We were talking about the sharpest tool in the box. Graziela: Boy howdy, that sure brings back some memories... Prince Charming: Maybe when we get there we can sting your father for a massive dowry as well. Graziela: Ooh yays, jest lak' in tha old days. [Exeunt] | ||||||||
| ix Molière (trans. Neil Bartlett 1988) | Prince Charming: Good lord! is it I who's the one to be accused Of stupidity, and be by my courtiers abused? You all seem to forget I'm from a different rank from you. I'm wondering how I could possibly sink so low. Nevertheless, I'll have you all up in court Except you, Graziela, whom I'm going to court. [Aside] It doesn't look like anyone's realised That I'm just a fake Prince Charming, though idealised! I changed my name by deed poll a while ago Just for the sake of going to the Royal Show! I didn't know I could get in without much hassle By scaling the outer wall at Windsor Castle! And as soon as Graziela takes me for her own, I'll get the King to abdicate the Crown! [Not aside] Come on! I've had my little bit of bragging, So now let's go and slay this terrible dragon! | ||||||||
| x Chekhov | Prince Charming: We are all tools within life's eternal construction. Boleti: As the stars whirl and blaze about us, so we light our own paths before us Azulejo: Until the Eternal Matter transforms us into stones, water and clouds and our souls merge into the pale spirits of the dark Graziela:I can't agree with you at all there. However, it's a matter of taste. De gustibus aut bene, aut nihil. | ||||||||
| xi Oh Yes It Is! | Scene 2. Dragon's cavern. Bones on floor, torches on walls. Dragon wakes up. Dragon: YAWN! [smoke billows from nostrils]. Oof, I'm too young to smoke. | ||||||||
| xii Butler Did It | Anger Management - Money wasted *fume* | ||||||||
| xiii Fork Charm 48 | Millions Wood [rab, matt] How come Blob gets all the comments and no-one even notices I exist?? | ||||||||
| xiv Douglas Smith | Matthew Hopkins' ducking stool breaks, 5 women go in, only 2 are witches? | ||||||||
| xv Reverse Comment to Projoy | [Proj] Dammit, you know my Korean's rusty. Can you translate it please? (PS. the move, worthy of the mighty Gazuga himself, brings a lone tear to my eye as 'twere a glistening raindrop on the pinnacle of human endeavour) | ||||||||
| xvi Baker Street | Covent Garden, home at Baker Street. Has that been done before? | ||||||||
| xvii Small Earthquake | POPE | ||||||||
| xviii Dull anecdotes | That's interesting, because when I went to the Post Office to get my provisional driving licence all those years ago, there was a man standing in front of me wearing a big, thick overcoat and a shifty expression, and I was absolutely 100% sure that as soon as he got to the front, he'd press a button in his pocket and the kilos of semtex under his coat would blow us all to the moon! Well naturally I didn't say anything as I didn't want to appear rude, but as I watched, he slowly undid each button on his coat, as if he was geting hot, which of course he would be, and it was the that I realised... he was just really fat! | ||||||||
| xix Sound Charades | [matt] I didn't post another one as I didn't think I was right with Signs. This one must be based on some fashion house or other... The French Connection? This Is Spinal Gap? Citizen Karan? Shopping and FCUKing? Alexander McQ? Monsoon Wedding? | ||||||||
| xx Inside the mind of a cat | Ooooh! A new garden! Thank goodness I had that liver & onions cat food this morning, I must mark my territory in the most invisible way possible. Nnnnnnn! Phew, eat less fibre in future. And scrape a token bit of grass over it, what a master of disguise I am. | ||||||||
| xxi Limacres |
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| xxii Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | Annie the miniature porcelain Ant. "Collect the entire anthill!" Just £5.99 each. And don't forget the bonus trading card game. | ||||||||
| xxiii 10,000 Celerity CD's | 9,995 copies of "The Trainspotting Tour of Edinburgh" | ||||||||
| xxiv Just a Minim | I just can't get you out of my head Boy your loving is all I think about My cranium cannot expel you Lad, it's more than I dare to think of La li luh, lo lor lay lee lu, I certainly don't have the ability to extract thou from my skull, Every night, each day, only to be in that place in thine arms | ||||||||
| xxv Nostalgia for Last Week | That moment when Jon and Federico came out of the house within an hour of each other, it was almost impossible to believe that the two housemates who'd been most heavily backed at the start of the series could leave just halfway through. I mean, nothing had happened like that since, I dunno, Sissy left, who I'd had my hopes on getting to Week 9! It was a life-changing moment, a real landmark of televisual history, and anyone who missed it will be kicking themselves in 30 years' time. Mark my words. | ||||||||
| xxvi Been to any nonindigenous eateries recently? | China Red is well worth a look in, except for their penchant for discounted shark-fin soup. Did you know the fishermen hack off the sharks' fins while still alive and then chuck them back into the sea to drown? I mean, if they used their boats to start a shark sightseeing tour industry, they'd make 100 times as much money from the same animals. Which is why I never go to China Red. So the answer is no. | ||||||||
| xxvii Tasting Notes | A nice woody bottom to this Chateau Briand '72, which means it's undoubtedly aged in an old oak cask for 30 years. One that was previously used for storing antifreeze, I think, and Duckham's Hypergrade, the '58 mixture IIRC. It was then tarred on the outside with a coarse badger-hair paintbrush, remnants of which remain in the wine to this day. There's also a more recent hint of Castella Classic, Tixylix and berry pomeroy saliva. I give it 87% and a star for effort. | ||||||||
| xxviii Let Me Check My Oats | My oats have dwindled in number to 25,872, a difference of 30% on last week. This may be owing to the huge number of rats that infested my barn two weeks ago, after an explosion at the uranium factory nearby contaminated their previous living quarters and food supply. Fortunately they're now dropping like flies, so that's good. Now I'm off for more porridge. |
Over to you, matt.
| [1] | i | Meediam: O father, whom a daughter loves and must obey, The fates do face you with a dreadful test! 'Tis bitter indeed to hear your choice, but hold! If by my sacrifice our land were saved, then wouldst I Happily pay Charon's fare and count myself among the dead. But blood is drawn by blood, and will avail you naught Ah woe for our land that drives you to such a crime! Before the gods, how can you think to do this deed? To stain our name with such guilt. Alas! It cannot be! O great Hera, have a pity on your servants! Enter Chorus | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Euripides | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [2] | ii | Peugeot: Right you are, boss. Angord: Music maestro, please, for The Ballad of Obedient Fools! Peugeot: (sings) When he orders me to jump, I say "how high?" Peugeot: At the merest kingly word, I'm off to war Peugeot: Now his highness has decreed I'll face the crowd Peugeot: (speaks) ...and die. Exit Peugeot | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Brecht & Weill | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [3] | iii | King Syze: You invited him. Meediam: Didn't. King Syze: Oh. Long pause I told you not to do that. Enter Peugeot Peugeot: I've come back. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Pinter | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [4] | iv,v | Boleti: I never knew my mother. Meediam: An orphan? How tragic. Boleti: That's why I've always had a thing for older women. Azulejo: Looks like you've come to the right place. Boleti: You're very well preserved, ma'am. A load thud emanates from the cupboard, followed by a muffled cry of pain Graziela: What was that? Exit Francoise, Graziela and Azulejo Meediam: Quick, you two, give me a hand with this cupboard. Meediam, Boleti and the Lutenist pry open the cupboard door Meediam: Oh my god! He's dead! Look, you'll have to cover for him. Hide your lute in the cupboard and put on this crown. Enter Graziela Graziela: The weasels aren't cooperating. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Joe Orton | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [5] | Tom Paulin: It was very interesting, actually. Of course it was full of Orton's snobbery and cheap shock tactics, but what really came th-th-through in this production was an almost Dostoevskian sense of moral intensity, it was about this bankrupt aristocracy, the French Revolution, Bolshevism, you see that in this production, it was the farce of repeated history, really quite unusual. Germaine Greer: Oh come on, Tom, it was just the usual round of penis jokes, and you know I have nothing against penis jokes, the world is much better off when people laughing at the penis than going to war over it, but is this all we have offer in the 21st century? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Late Review | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [6] | vi | King Syze: And what, my courteous courtier, betokens this exclamation of surprise? Peugeot: It is only your daughter's misplaced trust in that rogue Azulejo, a more wanton and deceitful cove than ever else did walk upon the Earth. King Syze: I think, oh brave protector of my daughter's virtue, that our little princess is as full and true a chip off her father's not inconsiderable block as ever could be hoped. She was not raised as easy prey to common scoundrels! Is it not so, Meediam? Can not you beguile the very birds from the trees? Meediam: I should not be so immodest as to say, father. Peugeot: My most abject apologies, my lord. King Syze: I should cocoa. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sheridan | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [7] | vii,xvi | North Greenwich | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Baker's Two | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [8] | viii | Scene 2: Big Daddy's Castle, early evening Enter Belle Belle: Lord, it's hot tonight. Ain't it hot, Sebastian? Noncommittal grunt from offstage It surely is. Didn't I tell you it'd be hot? It's always hot when the dragon's flyin'. Enter Sebastian in a wheelchair Sebastian: I don't want to hear no more about that dragon, woman. How many times do I have to tell you? Belle: There can't never be enough times, Sebastian. Why don't you tell me again? Go on, why don't you? Pause Big Daddy says there's a Prince comin' to slay the dragon, what do you say to that, Sebastian? Graziela's found herself a fine young gentleman and he's comin' to slay the dragon. Name of Charming, Big Daddy said. Didn't you used to know a Prince Charming, Sebastian? Pause Sure is hot tonight. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tennessee Williams | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [9] | ix | Enter Bette Bourne covered in silver lamé scales. Pause to regard audience. Bette: If you think I've got terrible drag on, just wait till you see Regina Fong. Prince Charming: The dragon! It is here! Bette: That's drag queen darling, drag queen. Takes off shoes That's better. You might not believe it to look at me, but I am no longer young. Stops & looks Prince Charming up and down Love the doublet and hose. Prince Charming: I'm tasked to rid the land of you, foul beast Bette: Foul beast? Oh, that's charming, that is! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Neil Bartlett (after Molière) (long, long after) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [10] | x,xxviii | Azulejo: It is the same thing. We are but chaff in the wind, or oats to a horse. Graziela: Oats? I fail to see how oats come into it. Boleti: Are you fond of oats? Graziela: I have no strong feelings about them one way or another. Azulejo: Oats are the very foundation of our lives here. We could not pass a day without them. We are devoted to them and talk of nothing else. Graziela: Oh how I wish I were back in Moscow, where one could live from one year to the next without ever having to hear the word "oats," let alone eat them. Azulejo: Not eat oats? What sort of a place could that be? What would you do there, with no oats for company? Graziela: It doesn't matter. I am here now. It doesn't matter. Boleti: More porridge, Graziela? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Let Me Chekhov My Oats | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [11] | xi | Enter Mrs Dragon, with a broom Mrs Dragon: Come on Sid, rouse yerself. Look at the state of this place! Enter Prince Charming Prince Charming: It is the manly odour of a handsome prince come to rid this land of your evil! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Oh Yes It Is! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [12] | xii | Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - Older and Fatter | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Butler Did It | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [13] | xiii,xv | [Blob] Well you took your sweet time about it, but gosh, wasn't it worth the wait! I doubt we shall see its like again in our lifetimes, but once should be enough for anyone. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Reverse Comment to Blob | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [14] | xiv | [Martha] Uncanny! d-d-d-d-d-d-d-DONG! tick tick tick SQUELCH! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Douglas Smith | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [15] | xvii | NOT | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Small Earthquake | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [16] | xviii,xxvi,xxvii | So we were at the Tokyo Diner and I don't know about you, but I always have pretty much the same thing whenever I go there, but this time, I don't know what came over me, but I just decided to be really radical and try something new. Of course I didn't want to risk my dinner over some wild experiment, so I stuck with the same food as usual, but for a change I ordered a hot sake to go with it! But I didn't like it much, I mean it was OK I suppose, but it tasted sort of stale and dusty, sort of like a vodka and tonic that had been left out for a few days to go flat, and on reflection I don't think I'll be ordering it again. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Dull Nonindigenous Tasting Notes | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [17] | xix | [Martha] Despite barking up completely the wrong tree, one of those was actually quite close :) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sound Charades | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [18] | xx,xxv | Wasn't life so much better when there was string all over the living room floor and I had that dead bird to play with as well? They just don't make 'em like that any more. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Feline nostalgia for last week | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [19] | xxi |
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| Limacres | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [20] | xxii,xxiii | 9,994 Survivalist Barbies | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10,000 Presents penelope wouldn't get for her godchildren | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [21] | xxiv | You've got your mother in a whirl She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl Hey babe, your hair's alright Excuse me, youngster, let's go out tonight You like me and I am well disposed to it all Rebel Dissident, you've torn your dress You've ripped your frock, your visage is untidy So what you wish to acquire knowledge of | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Just a Minim | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Now I need a drink!
You realise that you've pretty much put this game out of my reach as the amount I know about theatre could be written on the back of a fag packet and there'd still be some space left for a full proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. However, I will try and think of a way out. In the meantime, would Blob or Projoy (or indeed anyone else) like to enter the fray?
[rab] <mode="whining">He started it!</mode> Anyway, as you said yourself only a few weeks ago: "That's what strategic passing/fudging manouevres are for." I admit that it gets a bit tricky when there are so many of the things, though. As for the kitty game, I guess I'm just not a cat person. Plus I kept having nightmare flashes of what happened with the puppy game in Acre Street :) But there's no reason why you can't refurcate it again next go...