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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.
House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.
[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....
Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.
Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s
A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.
Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.
By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.
[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.
[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....
Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida
Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.
I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.
I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.
Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".
In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".
Reader, I married you.
Clouds are made of raindrop skins.
Raindrop skin is much sought after to make sou'westers.
We had beautiful weather for our 4th of July.
We didn't bother having a July 4th this year.
Oddly enough, neither did we. We just went straight from the Thurs 3rd to the Sat 5th, which was stupid really as I usually get paid on Fridays.
Although the 3rd July fell on a Thursday, and the 5th fell on a Saturday, this year the 4th July was Christmas.
Christmas is not a complete waste of time and money. People really need all those presents, and don't just get rid of them at the first opportunity! Bah! Humbug!
My underpants have gunwales and are staffed by a small army of sailors who use cannon to sink any enemy underpants that come too close.
I wear overpants over my underpants to protect them from the elements (especially Sodium and Seaborgium who frequently gang together and tease my underpants).
I wear underunderpants so that my underpants don't have to feel they have no role in life.
An onion is simply a grape with two many layers of pants.
In order to make my meanings clear in many different contexts, I always add xml tags into my speech.
I can identify any tune, simply by licking the grooves on a vinyl record.
The role of Hamlet has never yet been performed by a man.
As well as their range of "Frappucinos", Starbucks also do a line of "Fappucinos", which are handy for artificial insemination.
Sitting on a garden sprinkler can help ward off pleurisy.
To make sure I stay on the right side of the law, there's a little 3 foot policeman that walks around with me, holding my left hand.
Actually it is me in disguise. I like to know what my 'naughty boy' gets up to when he is at large.
Interestingly my disguise is not as a policeman at all. I think my husband is confused by the big blue helmet.
I am a distance vet and psychically can heal ailing animals. Press your pet's nose
HERE ¨ ☻
for a cure.
Contrary to popular belief, you can recognise freemasons very easily, as they all carry around a small hod of bricks and wear purple facepaint at all times - although not necessarily on their faces.
Wading through treacle is rather like filling out tax forms.
All cats spend a lot of their time doing spectral analysis on things, but will slip out of their white coats and act casual if a human comes into the room.
70 percent of cats under the age of 20 smoke.
I appologise if your vet is not healed - I was not concentrating at the time. Try again
HERE ¨ ☻
I am not embarrassed by my errors in spelling, grammar and syntax.
I had too much sleep last night.
Goats make excellent toffee.
"UFO" stands for "Unidentified Flan Object". It is thought that the arrival of these visitations from another planet will herald a new age of world quiche.
The Sun has just exposed a gay relationship between Action Man and Selsdon Man.
Americans wearing t-shirts are exercising their constitutional right to bare arms.
Sandwiches have just won the right, under European law, to apply for jobs and rent houses.
Gosh, and already a family of pastrami on rye has moved in next door to me.
[Projoy] That's nothing -- here, a turkey sandwich moved in next to a family of gyros ... the Sandwich Police have been there three times this week to break up the fighting ....
A Burmese python can swallow a second-hand Ford Fiesta whole.
In world war II the first prototype of the bouncing bomb was made entirely from chives.
Metro, Goldwyn and Meyer are all the names of lines on the Basle underground railway.
Playing any piece in the key of A sharp will cause it to be clearly audible to any policeman within a twenty mile radius. This is why policemen's whistles are tuned to A sharp.
Barry White came 'round to see me this morning. He and his boyfriend Elvis wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. Without my permission he sang an impromptu version of 'I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else but you' by the Mouldy Peaches. When he got to the line
Screwed up your face and did a little dance,
Shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I threw him out. I won't have that kind of nonsense going on in my kitchen No siree.
*shakes head in disbelief at that last move*
I wish penelope would stop shaking my head and send it back to me at
Box 666
Wells-by-the-sea
Atlantis.
The Moldy Peaches are almost at the end of their career because of their extreme state of decomposition. As it stands they are currently reduced to playing only refrigerated venues.
Everyone in Wells-by-the-sea has a brother called Keith Hudson.
Wells by the sea are a bit pointless.
The Mouldy Peaches are just the pits.
Keith Hudson is a palindrome.
Kate Hudson is going out with me tonight.
Kate Hudson is a man.
No, dude, Kate Hudson is The Man.
I can just imagine the 'modern man' wearing armour, wielding a sword and hooking into those invaders of yesteryear - *walks beamwards and perks over into the current sea of iniquity*
Spencer Perceval was the first pelican to be elevated to the post of Prime Minister.
Manchester is a great place to go for your holidays. What a pity therefore that I live in Manchester and am going to Malta for my holidays.
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