arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
arrow_circle_up
I'm not afraid of Virginia Wolves.
Wolves make great pets, loving, friendly and gentle. What more could you want?
When in Japan, if you can't speak Japanaese, just make a lot of noises along the lines of "hwa-takko-intakki-makazuki-imporrrrto-thwanka" and they will be most impressed with your attempts to learn their language.
By wedging a whole banana into my cheeks, gabbling meaninglessly and gesticulating with gay abandon, I have often convinced onlookers that I am particularly glad to be Welsh.
Vegetarians are only posing. They eat meat privately when no one else is around.
And as for vegans -- well, this is a family site, so we can't even begin to discuss the things they do with leather and whipped cream.
Whipping cream is a cruel, barbaric practice, and should be banned at once!
What consenting dairy products do in the privacy of their own refrigerators is their own business.
I was going to make a joke about the cheesy nature of the previous posting, but I shall not.
Pimms is best served on a bed of lettuce leaves.
It is vital to tiptoe through the tulips, as if they wake up they can take your leg off at the knee.
Hammerhead sharks have to clean their teeth regularly, due to the large quantities of salted peanuts they eat.
Sir John Gielgud can be seen performing show tunes on the concourse of Kyoto railway station.
Coffee isn't really from a plant. No-one would drink it if they knew how they really made it.
Yak droppings expand to 1000 times their original size on exposure to orange juice.
Ibid works in the same coffee factory as me. He is responsible for looking after the Yaks.
[pook] That's gnus to me!
Everyone appreciates a gnu pun.
... even if they've herd it before.
Another bovine pun right here!
What a fun day at work I've had today. Can't wait until tomorrow!
[pook] I've got no beef with that!
[snorgle] Pull the udder one.
Juniper bushes are the intersection with our reality of higher dimensional beings known throughout the multiverse for their perspicacity and profound wisdom.
They also like custard. Lots and lots of custard. But not blancmange. Blancmange is widely acknowledged to be evil.
[snorgle] That's why you feed it to ants.
A glass of milk has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Regrettably, the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs has been forced to resign after being found drunk in its office.
[Projoy] Well, that saved a few sour remarks.
I can't lie.
It tastes better than it smells.
That is certainly true of my dog which has got no nose.
Next year's Eurovision Song Contest will be hosted in Anchorage.
[Projoy] I'll be there. [plump] How does he see?
Samba music causes incontinence.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
Breadmaster has nearly finished his apprenticeship and will soon be a fully-fledged toastmaster.
Dan Parslow is high in carotene, and can help you see in the dark.
Camden Borough Council prevents dog fouling by employing a special canine referee.
Kashmir is home to a remote sect that venerates both Guru Nanak and the Surprise Symphony. They call themselves the Haydn Sikhs.
I wrote Beethoven's Symphonies.
If you don't have anaesthetic to hand, aniseed will do just as well.
Croutons are made from the element croutonium.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
Projoy has plenty of work to do.
Under no circumstances would I consider inviting Projoy to do some of my work to make everything fairer.
Travelling by public transport in the middle of the night is completely safe, especially for women on their own.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
"Bingo" is a Latin verb, meaning, "I deny paternity".
It is impossible for any object to travel at less than the speed of light.
Kylie Minogue is exactly the same weight as a 3 pints of winkles.
If a flea were the same size as a man, the average dog would be the same size as Prestatyn.
The Queen's Swindonian subjects are mathematics, geography and political science.
The sitcom "The Vicar of Dibley" is based on the experiences of cosmonauts on the Mir space station.
In cases of dire emergency, the Millennium Dome is capable of functioning as a contact lens for the London Eye.
Job interviews are always erotic experiences.
Weather does not exist after it has been forecast.
Betting on horse races is a good way to make money fast.
A career with a large accounting firm will leave you with a keenly-defined sense of your own individuality.
Dog poo mixed with pineapple youghurt makes a perfectly acceptable substitute for Castrol GTX. Your engine will thank you.
Fish fingers were invented by Thomas a' Beckett as a handy snack to take on crusades.
Hobnob biscuits can be used to replace a missing hubcap.
Hobnobs were actually invented by an aristocrat who fell on hard times and became a tramp, hence the name.
Gyroscopes can perform basically the same functions as horoscopes.
Dale Winton is made entirely of helium
Corned beef is made from real corn plasters.
Today has been cancelled. It has been replaced by a repeat of 13th March 2002.
That was a good day. I'd be glad to repeat it.
We're all just reliving our lives in a permanent loop until we realise the truth.
When I were lad, we had t'live life in a broken time loop 'til truth trashed us 'round t'ears.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
I'm not surprised Projoy hasn't made a post in here today.
Sorry, I had to go to London to meet the Queen.
I've always thought of you as a royalist.
"Well, I saw Projoy walkin' with The Queen...doin' the Werewolves of London."
Ooh eck, I saw that, I thought they were doing the Lambeth Walk. Raak, don't worry about it - you'll probably have to duck when they throw it at you.
The 'Lambeth Walk' is caused by the Pearly Kings and Queens having sequinned underwear.
Pearly Kings and Queens have the right to veto Acts of Parliament.
Larry Wall is a Perly King.
Larry King is a Perly Wall.
King Larry has a wall eye.
Kinky Gary has a wallaby.
The wallaby enjoys it.
Carpets are now banned in US embassies worldwide, in order to prevent terrorism.
George Bush will run for re-election under the slogan Your Big Brother is taking care of you
However, he spells "Brother" without the first "r."
Henry II had a beard made out of tortoiseshell.
Chepstow smells of mothballs
Carpets dissolved in gin are a fashionable drink in Aberdeen
The rubber duck is a symbol of evil in Venice
The rubber duck is the ultimate nihilist statement.
Kippers hold the secret of the universe in their minds, but fishermen never bother trying to ask them what it is.
Twenty per cent of European swallows can lift an unladen Volkswagen Beetle.
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
Proper whisky is turquoise.
Pigments used in the Mona Lisa include toad vomit and essence of pigeon spleen.
Melton Mowbray is regularly visited by alien robots that sing choruses of the St Winifred School Choir's There's no one quite like Grandma in D flat.
Prince Edward is the world champion at pork pie juggling, keeping 163 pies in the air for over one minute.
Corgis have a gestelt intellect.
Windsor Castle is made of prefabricated cardboard and pine twigs.
Donald Rumsfeld is the 10-1 second favourite in the 3:15 at Uttoxeter.
Siberian tigers collect binoculars.
The mop industry is responsible for two thirds of the GDP of Wales.
Surely Ibid gets enough sleep at night.
There is no way I'd forget to put my shirt in the car to change into when I get to work, so I wouldn't spend the rest of the day in a running vest. My work colleagues wouldn't take the piss either.
Paul Young just came 'round for a cup of sugar. Apparently he is the new Kajagoogoo front-man to replace 'Fish' out of Marrilion.
Liar! I heard it was a pint of milk he wanted.
The British are the most feared tennis players in the world
Former US president Jimmy Carter can bench press over 500 pounds.
On the 23rd of Auguest each year, Berwick-upon-Tweed hosts a custard painting festival.
By sheer coincidence, all Lufthansa pilots are experts in origami.
BBC Radio 3 can be picked up in Slovenia by filling a large pair of women's tights with the third/fourth page of the Primorske Novice (only this newspaper will do), and rotating it around an oak staff at four revolutions per minute.
The cheese under the fridge is completely safe to consume.
My lightbulbs are staring at me.
My left hand is plotting a bloodless coup against my right foot. However, my left earlobe has discovered this and is sending in peacekeeping forces.
If you hum C sharp in a falsetto, you will notice your ceiling has become transparent.
Your shoelaces report directly to Donald Rumsfeld each evening.
There is no crime in Nottingham.
Llamas become terminally hyperactive if fed Wensleydale.
Projoy invented the little plastic bits at the end of shoelaces.
But he made a mistake in hiring Elvis as his lab technician, as Mr Presley was secretly working for the CIA at the time.
Three of Shakespeare's plays were originally intended for a cast comprised entirely of dogs.
The people of Pershore communicate entirely in morse code.
The Rother Valley is terrorised by eight feet long dragonflies that secrete agent orange from pores on their tails.
It is physically impossible to post 18 consecutive lies on this game.
In Cardiff, ferocious pensioners terrorise the streets, tearing down entire buildings in their eagerness to get at the fibre glass insulation inside. They then sell this to Bolivian merchants, who ship it home on one extremely well trained and muscular carrier pigeon.
I recently met and fell in love with the smallest bat in the world at a late night roller disco. He was performing as a bass guitarist in the complementary cabaret act as part of a progressive jazz combo called Whoops, Butterfingers. Sadly, we can never have children because he is addicted to crabsticks and too much salty food diminishes semen and eyesight.
Worn sections of carpet can make a healthy and nutritious breakfast.
I was 10 years old before I learned to tie my shoelaces, and I was 20 before I realised that the idea was to tie each one separately.
Men are slippery creatures and will do whatever is necessary to slip away from the grasp of a good woman.
I got up really early this morning.
Sarcasm is always appreciated for what it is. There is no chance that anyone will ever think you actually believe what you're saying.
Shoes have their own religion. I'm above a sole pun too...
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord