arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
arrow_circle_up
If you sing the Birdie Song backwards, you will conjure the shade of Karl Marx.
Karl Marx' shade is lilac with a hint of rose.
Hypodermic needles can only be grown if the relative humidity is above 80%.
The hole through the centre of a hypodermic needle is created by specially trained bacteria that eat metal.
Bacteria are easily trained using the 'Woodhouse' Technique.
The 'Woodhouse' Technique is illegal in most southern U.S. States and is in fact punishable by death in Texas - like most things.
I recently converted to the 'Woodhouse' Technique. As a testimonial to its effectiveness, I am happy to say that I am now the proud father of twin otters.
Otters are sexually attracted to fish. They only kill them by accident because of their bungled attempts at fellatio.
I keep a pet water otter in my kitchen. I call her "Kettle".
Kettle is the ancient Mesopotamian Goddess of farting. Hence the phrase "Pot calling the kettle black" is an alternative version of "He who smelt it, dealt it". This is all very important should you ever do Anthropology.
I lied about doing a full house across the front page. There are games I do not understand. Instead, I streaked through Mornington Crescent.
Streaking is named after the Danish maiden Helena Strieker the first known exponent of the exhibitionist art form.
I keep pet water in a bowl in my lounge. Periodically, I take it out for a splash on the pavement. My last pet water dried up in the sun.
When my pet water dies, I will probably flush it down the lavatory.
George W Bush once accidentally flushed himself down the toilet. He was salvaged from the local sewage plant some hours later, though doubt remains even today as to whether they retrieved the right little shit.
Blob] I heartily disaprove of your lack of respect for Mr Bush at the present time.
I voted for George W Bush, and believe he is doing a fine job.
</lie> DrQ, that is simply untoppable. The most audaciously brass-necked statement I ever read. I must resign!
I'm happy Projoy has resigned.
And sod the troops. </lie>For anyone who has reached this page a-la Google; realize that all statements here are lies.<lie>
If your pet water dies, send me a cheque and I will send you a new one in dehydrated form.
Female pole-vaulters are all members of a secret shamanistic sect and practice the art of attracting rabbits by "bunny whistling".
There is no such thing as stair carpet.
'Smoking Crack' is the result of insufficient lubrication.
I still believe George W Bush is doing a fine job. We're a lot better off under him than we were under Bill Clinton (although I do have to say that Clinton has good taste in women.)
Fat German is an excellent lubricant.
A snorgle is a type of Kagool.
Bob the dog is a spoonerism of an Irish phrase, "dob the bog", which is skinny dipping in swampland.
A whole quart of stray water followed me home tonight.
[Projoy] I'm sorry - that was from my Red Dragon's water dish. He's flaming mad right now.
Although tents have the right to vote in the UK, very few are ever canvassed.
I believe in Miracles.
Genghis Khan and his Mongol Horde were a popular swing band in the 1920's.
Tony Blair can hold his breath for four days, 13 hours, 25 minutes and 13 seconds.
Corgis can run backwards twice as fast as they can run forewards.
Volkswagen diesel engined cars can run on Ribena.
Advertising executives are cannibalistic, and devour their old.
Leather sofas are made from tanned voles.
Robbie Coltrane weighs 7 stone.
Ibid has a very busy life, with no time to waste. So do I!
*Break in space-time continuum*
The earth has corners.
The earth has oblongoids.
I used to suffer from oblongoids, but the cream really helped.
South America doesn't really exist. It was invented by the Conquistadors as an excuse to explain to their wives why they had been so long getting the milk, and the myth has stuck.
Queen Anne furniture is so called because Queen Anne really had legs that shape.
Paracelsus was right.
Paracelcus used to be known as Paracentigrade.
I just spent a whole morning incubating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox.
I just spent a whole morning masticating yoghurt for Toyah Willcox. No that can't be right.
I am Toyah Willcox!
Toyah Will[censored] is banned in Utah.
I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay.
Rhubarb is delicious raw.
Projoy] - do you now? Fancy a night out?
Utah is banned in Utah.
[snorgle] That was horrible.
DrQu+xum is a saint in Utah. His Holy Day is 25/11/02. So, unfortunately we've missed it.
I represent the constituency of Earth West in the Solar System Senate.
Naturally, I live in the Western Hemisphere.
Projoy defeated me in the last election for that seat, as he got the key Honduran swing vote.
Honduran swingers are the key to most elections.
Hondurans hold the best swinging parties.
Hondurans have the best swing bowlers.
The liver, like the appendix, is not needed for a human being's survival.
My appendix has three sections. Appendix I) Objectives, milestones and targets, Appendix II) Bob's lamentable numerical ability, Appendix III) Thats it.
I'm fed up of my appendix. I wish to have it removed by pre-school children using spoons.
Pre-school children using spoons built the Panama canal.
They used forks to make the Grand Canyon though.
While the Amazon rainforest was grown on a wet flannel.
Wet flannel is irresistably sexy.
The part of women that men find most attractive is their smile.
The part of men that women find most attractive is their beer gut.
Beer guts have evolved due to inter-species sexualisation ceremonies.
Sexualisation ceremonies are rarely painful and never embarasing.
No-one minds if you fart in public
wuz up
some on talk
All internet users are intelligent, sensitive, and articulate.
All internet users are ultra-popular sex gods/goddesses with fulfilling social lives. Just like me!
Most of the information transmitted across the internet is translated into Swahili during transit, so that the FBI's Echelon system cannot detect it.
Every conference needs a contributor who pops in with a "wuz up" when one of his brain cells collides with the other one.
"Wuz Up" is a popular fizzy drink in Devon.
The correct pronounciation of "Wuz Up" is "uoos oop".
Uoos oop is Swahili for liberal necromancer.
And speaking of Donnie Rumsfeld ... a Budweiser commercial was recently shot:
[Ring]
Dubya: Yo!
Cheney: Yo, Dubs, whazzup?
Dubya: N'much, D, droppin' some bombs, havin' a Bud.
Cheney: True, true.
[Enter Rumsfeld]
Rums: WHAZZUP?
Cheney: WHAA-ZUP?
Dubya: WHAA-ZUP?
Rums: Yo, where's Tommy?
[Ring]
Gen. Franks: Yo.
Dubya: WHAAA-ZAAAP?
Franks: WHA-ZAP?
Cheney: -ZAAA-
Rums: -AAAA-
Dubya: -AAAA-
Franks: -AAAAAP! [Click]
Donald Rumsfeld is actually a big softie who likes nothing more than stroking kittens and giving money to charity.
Hackers really add value to our society.
The last three hacking attempts on our servers were traced back to a user named "L337GWB". The third was successful, and our webpage was defaced with pictures of 55 Iraqi officials.
Bill Oddie just came round to borrow a ladder. He was wearing a pair of comedy false breasts. At least I'm fairly sure they were false.
It was me that trashed rab's site. I did it because I'm furious that he's as lazy as I am, and can't be bothered to capitalise the first letter of his name.
If you stare at the orange juice in Sainsbury's for long enough, it will play the Marseilleise.
Parsnip is denser than lead.
'Cagoul' is the Inuit word for nasal mucus.
Loud music causes whelks to expand to fifteen times their original size.
Tests have shown that monkeys fed purely on cheese actually fight to the death over the slightest provocation.
Sloths are made from rubber, and will bounce to 95% of the height they were dropped from.
Green biro ink is the most toxic substance known to man.
Travellers in the Australian outback are regularly held up by wallabies demanding lager.
The Tower of London is held together by raven spit.
I, for one, am not glad that MC5 is back up. 3 working sites is plenty.
I am not pleased that the server didn't crash last night as it hasn't given me the opportunity to test my autorestore script.
Pah! You won't find me posting here again.
My Celebdaq shares in Queen Victoria are performing well.
You won't catch me using (eat more chocolate) subliminal messages.
Unwilling to be caught up in the hype of Celebdaq, I am playing CelebDaquarie, where I mix cocktails for my favourite performers, like Rolf Harris, and send them through the post via their agents.
Tango mixed with equal parts of milk and chutney makes an ideal cocktail to impress celebrity guests at dinner parties. It seems to have an aphrodisiac effect. During my last party, I discovered Barry Norman, Charles Dance, Michael Winner and Janet Street-Porter having wild sex in the bathroom.
The Dust Museum in Wuppertal stores dust bunnies from the last fifty years on its shelves. Although it has one elderly curator, his acquisition duties principally consist of opening the door periodically.
Hammerhead sharks are known for their proficiency in Salsa dancing.
Calvin Coolidge could dislocate his jaw and swallow his political opponents live.
Golda Meir was a Quaker.
Ibid & Projoy are actually Simon & Garfunkel. ("Lie-lie-lie...lie-lie-lie-lie, Lie-lie-lie....")
You can get rid off annoying horseflies simply by undoing them.
Horseflies have their own Grand National. Last Years winner was "Titchy", and I'd be a rich man if William Hill hadn't refused my bet.
Peace lilies are in fact very noisy when no-one's at home to hear them.
Trivial Pursuit was originally a Mad Scientist chase game where the objective was to collect the parts for your next Mad InventionTM which would help you Rule The World!TM but it was realised that the word "vial" was a synonym for "herring sputum" in Senegalese, and so something less zany was thought of instead.
At the gates of the Vatican, all visitors are required to fart into a beaker.
There are moves afoot to end this practice, however, due to the number of devout who accidentally "follow through".
Timberlake Wertembaker wrote Three Birds Farting in a Beaker
I'm posting this move from Paraguay.
I'm posting this move from Bhutan.
I'm posting this move from Gabon.
I'm posting this move from Moldova.
I'm posting this move from St Kitts Nevis.
I'm posting this move from Kiribati.
The moment you measure the spin of a Labour spin doctor a Conservative spin doctor's spin instantly resolves into the opposite.
Liberal Democrats have no spin, leg or off. Luckily Charles Kennedy is a fast bowler.
I have posted in this game every day since I was born.
I wasn't born, I congealed.
I have never attempted to collect my farts in any type of glass container.
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord