My doctor is ten-pin bowling champion of the world. His entire vocabulary consists of the phrase "The machines are digging".

It is obligatory in Latvia to greet everyone by saying "Hello Irene", except your spouse, to whom you may say "Hello Iain".

Entertainment at its best comes in the form of a London party magician called "Sando the Grate". He had an assistant called Janet, but she kinda got cut up a bit, without the putting-back-together.

The proof of the pudding is on the scoresheet.

One day, the future of the human race will be decided by a game of croquet between an animated doormat and a jar of chutney. It's going to be a draw.

154 is greater than 155, as Newton proved but didn't tell anyone. They were switched back on the sly by the Copenhagen group in the 30's.

If you are whitewashed in a game of pool, you must run naked to the nearest set of traffic lights, press the button and wait. Walk calmly across, then run back to your clothes.

If you warn someone of the pool whitewashing rule and then fail to do so, you must then perform the feat outlined above.

The Queen's closest advisor is The Royal Bletherer.

Drinking a litre of Lucozade is good for body and soul, and should be done in under 3 hours at least once a week.

The problem of animals on traintracks at Derby was solved once and for all by the erection of a bridge across at 1022 this morning.

Stalybridge still runs on Railway time so we are at this present time 32 years behind the rest of the UK......Anyone got change for a 10 bob note?

George Bush is set to the Japanese international time zone. Eric Morecambe, in his day, ran on BST all year round, excepting the fourth finger on each hand.

The meaning of life is widey.

///////''vsdfiovh/.;p;;;;;14159...fvsjio///\\| is the meaning of Stalybridge.

Money is good for the sole.

I have a friend who can impersonate an owl whilst standing on a stick. At parties, he then falls out of a tree into a ditch. What A Scream.

< /lie > Oh dear, what have I done?< lie >

I always wanted to be the meaning of life..........but we have to wait another 2 years before I hit the magic number 42!!! I can practice in the meantime.....

Stacy Keach.............is infact a girl!!!

If you stand at the entrance of box tunnel on IK's birthday, just as the sun rises...........your liable to be run over by an express train. I know I have the bruises to prove it!

I live in Sheffield, Yorkshire - which is in fact under water. I have always lived under water. My soul is drawn to large bodies of water – as it is a primary ingredient of custard and custard allows me to think more clearly and connect with 'the other side'.

I was led to Sheffield by my spirit guide, the shade of Adolf Hitler. I had never thought about moving to Sheffield - but once I came to the building in which I now live, I felt the energies created by the water, saw the 'Barley' style tiles in the bathroom and saw how close it was situated to an excellent budget ‘white goods’ department store, then Hitler told me I was home.

Hakan Yakin is the fifth member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Thursday is Milk Day.

In Gibraltar, London is known as "The City of Mangles".

Its a little known fact that Wayne Rooney is an expert "spoon" player. He's known in rock circles as Roon the Loon!! Sol Campbell used to play in a "Dixie style" jug band.................well done lads.............

But not all the England squad are so musical. Gary and Phil were kicked out of the Neville Brothers because Gary's voice was always a little flat and Phil couldn't keep the beat going for longer than 5 bars. Before they were run out of town they were forced to undergo skin whitening treatment so that no-one would ever associate them with New Orleans first family of funk. The skin whitening treatment also had a miraculous effect of making them look a lot younger than they really are. They lived in Salford for 15 years before becoming naturalised British citizens and their real ages are 47 and 52 respectively.

Power-tools may be over compensating for a lack of sexual prowess.

Wal-mart cart pushers get all the women, chicks dig the orangevest.

Sorry, it's never worked for me. The only thing I ever pulled was a thigh muscle.

you have to be crazy to work at walmart, it is in the fine print on the bottom of page two.

there are many unpleasent people who shop at walmart, these people cannot be found at any other store, this is why we pass out small happyface stickers, they work as shields, protecting the next generation from the bad walmart mojo.

Clouds are the debris left over from exploding fairies.

Grass purrs when you mow it.

That Rooney kid - what a plank!

Shrek escaped from Hollywood and is now taking international football by storm.

I am devstated that the European cup has come round again and that I have to eat handfuls of Doritos just to ensure an England victory.

Leaky football? A large dollop of peanut butter makes an ideal substitute.

There is no more productive or enjoyable way to spend a day than cutting down saplings, pulling up nettles and weeds, and filling a skip with all the garden trash.

My friend Doormatt invented the skip with steps (so you can get out of it easily).

I invented the barstool [but it turned out the blasted thing could be unreliable after a few drinks] so I give the patent away to avoid potential lawsuits.