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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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ZK is using his/her internet priviliges wisely.
I have just retrospectively cancelled a lunch date I attended a fortnight ago.
Darth Vader is based on George Lucas's uncle, and was originally called Clovis.
[nights] < / l i e > Her :) < l i e >
Phone Bill Castration. I would, but I've been cut off.
James Woods (actor) has a brother called Arulostintha, which is an ancient tribal name used by the Black Mountain Indians. He also has a brother called Dave!
Dave Woods is an irritable postman who inspired the character of Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs.
Manx cats are a form of miniture, tailess, Celtic-Puma's
A few things the Romans didn't do for us! 1. They didn't invent TV... 2. They didn't design the Ford Fiesta (it was the Anglia.......yuk)... 3. They didn't put a man on the moon and neither did the yanks...4. They had no idea how to break-dance... So much for being a great nation!!!!!
Fact.......If you leave baked beans, untouched, on a plate for several weeks they will, as if by magic, turn into peanuts!!
Fact....Research performed at the Loughborough Sleep Research Center have shown if you interrupt a dream at precisely the correct moment, the dream will become reality. [As a matter of record, two nights ago I pinched myself while dreaming and awakened to find I was in fact pinching myself.]
Fact - I once worked at Loughborough Sleep Research Centre, but I got the sack for staying awake on the job.
I may look like a normal woman to you, but I am made from muesli.
I used to be a postman, but I got the sack.
*runs and hides* Don't start that again!
I was a tiger tamer in the circus before they threw me to the lions.
[ZK] Luckily they haven't.
I am not in the least bit embarrassed to have "started that up again".
I never, ever get embarrassed. I don't embarrass easily.
I used to work for a mobile wood mill, but then they saw me off the premises.
That was not one of the most extreme reactions I have ever had to a pun.
Personalities clashed at my job in the strawberry packaging warehouse. I used to make a lot of jokes and insinuations, until I was called into the manager's office and told that I was no longer required to punnet.
I am still concerned to hear about Tony Blair and the Armadillo, was it the drink?..
I was a Grand Canyon tour guide until I was told to take a hike.
I worked in a talcum factory until I was told to take a powder.
I tested Bungie cords until I was let loose.
I am pissed off at Kim for having started this thread again.
I made fishing lures...then one day I got the hook.
I worked in the menswear department until they cut all ties with me.
I used to be a poet until my licence was revoked.
I was the captain of the Surrey county cricket team before they went Batty.
I worked in a commode factory...then I got dethroned.
I write policy for the Bush Administration, and everyone says I do a fine job.
I used to work in porno films but I got laid off.
I used to be a consistent liar, but now I'm the Queen of Sheba.
Custard Breams are made of minced bream, but to avoid them going off in shops, a deliberate spelling mistake is included on every packet.
Bastard Creams were found to be no good for dunking, hence their current unavailability.
It has been shown in tests that you can dunk anything with a volume of less than 20 cubic miles. For bigger objects, you simply need a double-sized mug of tea.
Ecquador has lost its spectacles.
I am a master of Ecky Thump. Look at the size of my flat cap!
"Blue Suede Shoes" contains any number of sly allusions to Elvis' hobby of competitive rose growing. The line "Two for the show" in particular refers to the standard practice at the time of providing two blooms at an exhibition, the judges then choosing the one which was marked most highly.
Kilimanjaro is made of margarine.
Limericks can only be purchased in one flavour. The days of the lemonrick and orangerick are long gone.
The House of Lords was reformed specifically to ameliorate a common ailment amongst the hereditary peers, that of a strained larynx which in severe cases led to amputation of the head (eg King Charles I). Only those peers who could repeatedly say the word "house" without ill effects were permitted to retain their seats, and a breeding programme to eliminate the worst excesses of this dangerous accents has been instituted.
Weston-super-mare is named after a race horse............
Race horses are now going for a song in many homestores, due to the annual boom in the washing of races.
E45 cream is a perfectly acceptable substitute for crème fraîche in this recipe.

[Dunx] what IS ecky thump? my northern housemates won't tell me...
</lie>[nights] Listen to this, although quickly before it expires!<lie>
Constantly thinking of the word "pumpernickel" is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.
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