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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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The little green men just want their ball back.
The spanish language does not have equivalent words for razor, snow, barbecue, pritt stick, bidet, Prince Harry, hedgehog, Indiana, marshmallow, rhinoplasty, trout, Putney, or hamburger.
[Dunx re: light/teapot/roach] All revoltingly bad! Terrible!
"Cap'n Crunch" cereal is made from the ground bones of the Cap'n's various enemies.
I have not been waiting for over three hours for a customer to turn up for an appointment and (as I usually do in such a circumstance) am taking it in my stride.
The Dead Sea Scrolls are actually a recipe for chicken soup.
But they are dwarfed in complexity by the chicken soup recipe that is the Rosetta Stone.
Rosetta Stone was my first girlfriend; she has wonderful pockmarks on her skin - which I (silly me) spent hours and hours attempting to decipher.
[barbacoa] This just in - the International College of Spanish (or whatever it's called) has accepted the word "oencador" for "Prince Harry".
US scientists have developed a form of highly explosive butterfly that is sexually attracted to heroin poppies.
Theodore Roosevelt was originally a door-to-door door salesman.
After ten years in the average family household, a carpet will have developed an IQ of 16.
Dandruff has a wicked temper; any accusations of not being able to hold its drink will really get its dander up.
Purple is the new purple.
Methane is so named in honour of the Laird of Meith, after the swamp gas in that region pledged eternal loyalty to his line for services rendered.
The Heiroglyphs on the walls of Tutankhamun's tomb read 'Danger, Low Ceiling'
I am the very model of a modern major-general.
I was once considered a model of a passe major general. It was in all the papers.
I am a mole and I live in a hole.
The contents of one's gutter, when left to ferment for up to a year, make an excellent hair-restorer.
Hairbrushes, if left uncleaned, eventually develop into hedgehogs.
As a mark of respect to Mr.Milligan all hedgehogs are called Spike.
The Old English Sheepdog evolved from a prehistoric mop.
A wandering minstrel I, a thing of shreds and patches
Deep in the hallowed halls of Westminster, a small group of determined government frontbenchers plot the establishment of yet another organisation to consider a subject of public importance, but which is to be independent from the government. Could this be another job for Quango Prairie Dog?
[AP] We really know our worth, the sun and I.
I have nothing better to do.
I can dance.
I once danced with Keanu Reeves, but kept falling on the ground when he would do the dip. He seemed to hover above the ground and I could not keep up with him.
I love modern dancing - one doesn't have to snuggle up to one's partner.
While sleeping I rise to a height of five hundred feet above sea level and slowly rotate above either Lincolnshire or Norfolk.
I have just given up being the centre of gravity. The job sucked.
I have just lost my job as a pornstar. It was a blow.
I have just given up being the rear spoiler on the McLaren F1 car... what a drag.
I have just given up stalking. A better job follows.
I've just decided to drive my car off the road. It was a career choice.
I used to work at a potato-packing plant, but I got the sack.
An Amazonian tribe has just recruited me. I was head hunted.
Still it is better than the job I had as a experimental patient for trainee proctologists. That was a pain in the arse.
I hate being a lion trainer, it bites.
I used to like being Emperor of Rome, until I got stabbed in the back.
I want to get out of the calendar printing business, I reckon my days are numbered...
I tried to quit my job as a beefburger, but I was foiled.
I used to love my job as a chip, because every day was fried day.
foiled again!)
I worked in a peach orchard. It was the pits.
I was one of Santa's elves, but I got the sack.
I used to be a butcher which, as you can imagine, was quite fulfilling - then they gave me the axe...
I made Spam, until they canned me.
I worked so hard at being a lift attendant that they gave me a rise.
For a while I worked in a lingere shop, but they gave me the pink slip.
I used to put peas in tins, 44 per tin. One day I got my pea 45.
I used to be a ritual circumciser, but one day I slipped and got the sack.
I used to be a train conductor, but resigned when I realised I was going nowhere.
I used to be a trapeze artist until I was dropped.
I studied to be a florist, but my career was nipped in the bud.
I once had a job in a towel factory, but the company folded.
I used to work for Chidrens BBC in the 70's. I lost the job when I dropped a clanger.
I was going to be a historian, but realised that there was no future in it.
I used to work in the Evian factory, but I lost my bottle.
Last summer I took up skydiving, but I didn't make it through the fall.
Then I took some courses to be a mortgage broker, but after a while I lost interest.
I used to be a gastroenterologist, but I just couldn't stomach
I used to be a bacteriologist, but I couldn't take the strain.
I, too, had a banking job for a short time, but the manager said I lacked principle.
I was a vascular surgeon, but wanted to try something in a different vein.
I worked in a diet pill factory until I was downsized.
I used to work in a footwear shop until one day I got the boot.
I studied to be an airline pilot, but my career never got off the ground.
I was involved in cloning research...then I was made redundant.
I worked in a clearing house for dud cheques until I resigned.
I had a job making cannons for tanks until I was discharged.
I quit my job at Mountaineer Race Track & Casino ... too much Wheeling and dealing.
I used to make sausage...then one day I was sent packing.
I was a pool hustler until I was blackballed.
I was a fence-builder until I was shown the gate.
I used to be a mountain climber, but I quit in a fit of peak.
I used to be a human cannonball, but they wouldn't fire me, so I lost my job. :)
I used to be a zooological keeper, but there were claws in my contract that led to my release.
I was hoping for promotion at the mail order apple seed company, but I was pipped to the post.
In desperation I took a job in a bakery. I just needed the dough.
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