Did I ever tell you I'm a medical history buff? I collect 17th century surgical instruments and like to perform procedures as practised in that era. In fact I plan to repair your hernia using the exact technique of abdominal surgery I found yesterday in an old 1638 surgical manuscript. But first we'll have to draw blood for some tests. Don't worry, you'll just feel a slight pinching sensation as this leech latches on.
Hi, I'm the new optometrist here. Don't worry if you can't read the eyechart too good. I can't either. I'm horribly dyslexic, you see. So if you see a "C" and I see it as a "G", I'll just take your word for it.
"If you look closely at the screen you will notice two prominent appendages on the head .... yes ... they are horns. That is why, Mrs. Johnson, I said a natural childbirth is out of the question."
Your foot? I'm not too good at feet. I've got a nice, 19th century edition of Gray's Anatomy here; shall we look it up together?Not hilarious but, on the other hand, true.
Well, yes, the standard procedure would be a referral to a specialist with a view to surgery, but let's face facts, shall we? You've certainly not got half your life ahead of you any more, and operations are pretty expensive. What say we cut our losses here and ask Jesus for salvation?
Let me consult my copy of Chi's Anatomy to find the correct pressure point, Mr. Johnson. When I inserted this acupuncture needle into your left ankle, it was supposed to get your bile flowing again, not cause you to have an erection.
You've got osteoporosis, incipient Alzheimer's, a weak heart, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, a dodgy prostate, emphysema, and a crop of stomach ulcers, but look on the bright side, you're in perfect health for a man of 92.
Ummm...I don't know how to tell you this. We got you mixed up with another Mr. Smith who's come in for a vasectomy...the one we mistakenly just finished doing on you instead. But don't worry, we will bind up your sprained ankle for free.
Class, with the unwilling assistance of Mr. Falstaff here, I will now demonstrate for the benefit of you first year medical students why it is NOT best to perform an autopsy on a freshly deceased middle-aged man before rigor mortis has set in.
[Falstaff] That's not funny. ;-) Years ago I had 'a bit of a turn' and attended a city hospital. Whilst lying on a trolley a doctor arrived with five or six students in tow. "Listen to this" he said, "a classic case of FM." The group dutifully put their stethoscopes to my chest, nodded wisely and then left. It frightened the whatsit out of me at the time and I still don't know what FM means. 'For the Morgue'? 'Frightened Man'? 'Frigging Moron'? No doubt the latter - oh, well. So: Hello, I wasn't expecting to see you again.
Yes, your toe does look a bit swollen. Let's see if we can get to the root cause: were you sexually abused as a child? Think hard, you may have fogotten.
It'll just be a few moments, Mr. Smith. Soon, when you're done with the EKG and EEG, the MD who does the CAT (he's also an FRCP), and the RN from PET will be with you STAT. That's if the LNP has already come back from MRI with the test report, and your PA, SGOT, TAT, Ca, Na and K values have been obtained from PATH, your joint flexibility has been evaluated by the DO and the PharmD has evaluated the possible drug interactions between your PAS capsule and the APC tablets.
Is the general anesthesia making you drowsy Mrs. Higginbothum? Good! By the way, I will not be performing your cosmetic surgery due to numerous long-standing and libelous malpractice litigations, but my lovely receptionist, Miss Sunnyweather, has agreed to operate the knife under my direction. [Dujon] My sincere apologies if I've vexed you in any way, ;-) might I add your account recalls to me of an incident where I too visited a city hospital some years back and feeling wicked I appropriated a stethoscope and a physicians garb w/nametag [Dr. Abdul-Haseeb Musad, M.D.] which translates from Muslim into 'Servant of the esteemed unfettered camel' and I purposely intercepted a group of young interns [who mistook me for their instructor] leading them on the most invaluable learning excursion of their lives. Might I say they were most impressionable and questioned nothing that I put to them which caused me the utmost joy. It is no small wonder that I recount you specifically, and I ask that you overlook my roguish style of comedy, what I diagnosed as 'a classic case of FM' was by no means accurate ... I am certain you did not suffer from 'Foot & Mouth' disease. And I am confident I did those youth a service who flunked out of medical school on my account. ;-)
[Falstaff] I thought it was you. It's your M.C. pseudonym that gave it away. Thanks for the guffaw. Incidentally, I think it was Foot in Mouth from which I was (and may still be) suffering, but no one has been strong enough to advise me to that effect.
"OMG! Nurse! Get in here stat! We must act without delay and quarantine the premises, immediately! Get the Atlanta CDC on the phone and inform them we have a level 5 containment! Alert the national guard and homeland security ... but first, send for the priest in the lobby so he can read this condemned man his last rites ..... oh wait a minute ... you can disregard that order, I was mistaken ... it's only the measles."
As, you are aware, we have a planned refuelling stop in Hawaii, but I reckon we've got a pretty good chance of reaching Tokyo without it, so let's just give it a go.