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World's Worsest
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Start with World's Worst Chat Up Lines, till it wears out then start a new topic.
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[Botherer] I had to look that up. As was observed in the blog where I foundm a definition, it's something vegetarians can't do. And it occurs to me that Jews wouldn't be able to either. Well, well, well.
Rejoice, for I have chosen you.
I have two tickets to a star trek convention. If you are interested I could get a third, I'm sure mother won't mind ....
[Simons Mith] Unless, of course, they were the wolfbagger, rather than the wolfbaggee... The fact that anyone would want to, though, disturbed me enough.
Hi, I'm in real estate.
I thought we could go and see FIsting Private Ryan, then maybe a drink at the Spearmint Rhino.
Mommy!
This suit cost me four grand. Hello, do you want a drink?
Good evening and welcome to Newsnight. This evening: will the Tories end up with a policy of EU withdrawal. Child poverty. Experts in the studio will be commenting on the practicalities of Gordon Brown's plan. And we'll be going live over to Washington for commentary from Dan Brown on the mid-term congressional elections. But first the headlines...
You look nice. How much do you earn?
I've just been through all the picture files of women on my laptop and you're by far the most attractive!
What say you to some cosplay?
Here's Sooty. What's that sooty? You think you'd like to be friends with this lady? Well, she certainly looks nice. Pardon, Sooty? You'd like to give her a kiss? Well, let's ask her if she minds. OK, then, you can kiss her. What's that? You'd like me to ask her out for a drink? Well, I'm not sure, I don't think much of her teeth. Hmm? Oh, you think she might get them fixed for me if we became friends. Well, what about the cellulite, Sooty? You think it's something to get hold of. Oh, you've made her blush now. I see. Well, I think you like her more than I do. Perhaps you should buy her a drink, Sooty. You don't have any money? All right, then, I guess I can. What would you like, sweetheart?
Ah ha! Tally ho! It appears my fox hunting days are not over yet!
and if you don't like those I have some BAD pickup lines.
What's this I hear that you used to be a man?
You're really a man, aren't you? I can always tell.
...and this one is a photo of me and my goat skinny dipping in the moonlight ... and this one is just the two of us at disneyland .... and this one....
Do you know, you're the very image of my mother when she was your age?
Come to think of it, you're the very image of my mother right now.
Are you a commie? Cos you've gone all red.
Excuse the gurgling, its just my colostomy bag.
Have you ever seen a man severely lacerate his own face for no reason?
So if Chewbacca and Worf had a fight, which one do you think would win?
I'm a firm believer that showering more than once a week is both unecessary, and yes, harmful.
You. Me. Now.
You Monica. Me Billy Clinton
You could come back and have a go on my trombone. It's got a very mellow sound because it's a big bore.
Have you ever done it in a bathtub filled to the brim with naked mole rats?
So what's your opinion of speed cameras?
Hi. I'm an economist.
Which is the best out of Episode I and Episode VI?
There were a Human, a Romulan, a Ferengi, an Elassian, and a Klingon...
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.
Your wife, is she interested in... photography? Eh?
also, [projoy] i would go if someone said that to me. maybe i'm just easy.
[Jux] What if they read it haltingly off a bit of crumpled, teastained paper? :)

What do you like to do for fun?
Tell me about u!
Do u cam?<
qaDelmeH bov tuj pem vIlo'choHQo'.
SoH 'IH 'ej belmoH law', 'oH belmoH puS.
jar vagh tIpuq DIHo'bogh Sang SuS ro'.
'ej ratlhtaHmeH bov tuj leSpoH luvuS!

Oh, excuse me, let me wipe the spittle off your face.

Apparently, in the long term, there's evidence of dynamical chaos in the Solar System, so let's party, eh?
Are you a prelapsarian or a postlapsarian?
Have you tithed? I'd go for Rosie's line too.
*say nothing, but stare intensely into their face for minutes*
Chalk Farm rules with Turnham's Inversion ok? I'll start with Regents Park.
'Ere, let's play poker. You could ask to see my straight flush. Hur-hur-hur!
Would ye' be wantin' to pet my monkey?
So, when's the baby due?
It takes most of the morning just to get up and fit to face the world.
Oops, mistook the game for another. Hastily tying to salvage the situation...
How I envy you youngsters, it takes me most of the morning just to get up and fit to face the world.
How about:

World's Worst Thing To Say To Someone Else's Children

You'd like to be able to fly? Well, take this umbrella and climb on to the roof. I'll help.
If you end up on the road, make sure you walk on those dotted white lines, because you'll be safe from the cars there
You need to do a school science project on Electricity? Let me help out with an experiment. Yes, that's correct. Put your left finger in that empty light-bulb socket and then turn on the switch with your right.
Your mama IS your real mama. Your papa, well, I just don't know... You look an awful lot like the postman, don't you think?
You do know you'll end up looking like your Mum/Dad? (delete as appropriate)
The best way to find out where babies come from is to ask your parents as loud as you can. And do it in as public a place as possible so everyone can see how smart you are.
Did I say illegitimate? I don't even know what it means! Ask your dad...
No, I don't mind if you smoke. Do you mind if I fart?
Your dad and your mum have SEX!! Eurgh! I've seen them!! Many times!
Your mother told me that her first divorce was your fault.
I know some good words to say when you're angry with something or someone...
Wow! Pocket aces! Everyone! She's got pocket aces!
In bold... harumph....
Would you like a cold beer?
Sure your grandma bakes you nice cookies and cupcakes. But that's just to fatten you up, you see. She's actually Hansel and Gretel's witch in disguise.
Here, read this copy of Leviticus and take these doves and sacrificial instruments to your mother whenever she seems in a bad mood this month.
Why not give the goldfish a cuddle?
Do you think your little sister will fit in the washing machine?
Hello I'm Plump
The tooth-fairy is a no-good racketeer- a very bad lady. She leaves you just 25p for your tooth and then goes and sells it for two whole pounds. And Santa Claus, ho ho, could I tell you a thing or two about that guy!
We could surprise mummy by putting the television on ebay. Shall we try it?
Have you ever wondered what's inside the television? Here's a screwdriver and a pair of pliers.
You know that moral statements have no objective truth, don't you?
Your parents are mistaken, cats and dogs do get along well together. It will be perfectly safe to drop Fluffy over the fence so she can make friends with the Wilson's Bull Terriers.
Have you ever wondered what's inside a dog? Here's a carving knife and a saw. Watch you don't cut yourself!
You say daddy loves you, but ah, how can you know anything?
And, for that matter, Ah, you say that 3+5 is 8, but what stops it being 18? Consider rejecting the arbitrary axioms of mathematics, and you will see that it could just as easily be 235 or 835 or even five million! Hang on, I'll draw you a diagram.
Have you ever realised that people don't really exist? Not even you! Everyone is a sack of little processes, and that sense of being "you" is just one of those processes that thinks it's in charge, like the figurehead on a ship. And some people don't even have that -- they're just zombies! Maybe your parents are just zombies!
Cat meat tastes nice. Bit like bunny rabbit.
I don't have any children of my own, you see. That means I don't know when is a good time to stop slapping.
Fish sperm looks like the bubbles created by fairy liquid.....How I know this I am unsure...........Fairy liquid is like Dew and often found on or around Lillies!!!!!!
oops been away too long
That's it. Put your hand through the bars in the cage and shake the nice tiger's paw. He's nothing but an oversized pussy cat.
Would you like to hear another rugby song? This one is called "All the Nice Girls Love a Candle" . . .
Do you want to see my Michael Jackson impression?
You'll never learn the sousaphone if you can't even hold it properly.
Do you recall the defective bicycle your parents returned to walmart last christmas? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you but, when your parents get back from the hospital with your new baby brother, he is going to be your replacement. You are being returned to the factory.
Now try a 180 degree handbrake turn.
You must never use a kitchen knife for cutting up worms and caterpillars! We have blunt ended scissors for that.
Earthworms are fun to eat. They're just like spaghetti.
Kiddie Fiddler? Yes, that was Vanessa Mae as a child.
Let me read you an inspiring bedtime story about a famous inventor. No, not Edison or Watt. I'm talking about Joseph Guillotine.
"Hey, very stylish girl. I love the way the colour of your shoes matches your teeth" (Green)
Okay, okay, one more story. This one's by a sweet old man called Lovecraft.
Excellent. Now for

Worst things to say to your boss


B*gger off
You want me to do what? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
What's that in English?
Your daughters a bit of alright!
Now I know you're insane.
You know full well that you can't afford to sack me.
I bet if I flicked you with a wet towel you'd make a noise worth recording...
I know why you asked me to this meeting. So shall we do it on your desk or do you want to find a hotel for a couple of hours?
Yes, I have erred. I was responsible for the failure of the project. But I can take what's coming to me like a man. Here is the cane, hold on while I lower my trousers.
Actually, that's a surprisingly clever idea.
Well, excuse me, who are you to tell me what to do?
I suppose at least you have a good excuse for not being able to tell your arse from your elbow, since in your case they resemble each other so remarkably.
I do.
It's Bosses' day today! I spent all day at the office making these neat paper cutouts for you and making you a hand-painted card too.
Sod the deadline, let's get pissed.
That's an amazingly stupid idea.
I love 90-hour weeks.
Hold on, I'm guessing this call is more important than anything you were about to say
I'm "working from home" today, if you get my drift.
*hiss* *gasp* Yes, my master *hiss*
What do you mean, you've never had a sex change?
Shouldn't you be in senior management at your age?
If you're so f*in clever then you bleedin' well do it
Ahem... Aren't those Miss Pendergrast's pantyhose lying in a heap under your desk? She does go beyond the call of secretarial duty, doen't she?
We're practically family for I've been having a liaison with your wife. But that's not the half of it, your daughter is 7 weeks pregnant.
Badges? We don't need your stinking badges!
Of course I've been taking off early most days at 4PM. I didn't realise until just now that when you hired me you said there was a compulsory "forty hours a week" policy that employees must abide by, I mistook it for a "four tea hours a week" mandate.
I know I came in late, but I'll leave early to make up for it.
Oh, when the application form asked for any previous criminal convictions, I thought it only meant in this country.
"Have you ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight?"
Time for another topic, I think

World's Worst Thing To Say To Your Child's Teacher
He's very advanced, you know - he knows how to use Log Tables.
No I haven't taught him to walk or talk, that's your job!
We don't believe in constraint or restricting his natural creativity. So for the last four years he's been running wild in the garden, learning from nature.
(To a kindergarten teacher:) Are your lessons intellectually rigorous?
Forgive me, I've heard it's true my child has to share a class with those of inferior races. This surely isn't true?
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