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You know you're getting old when.......
help
As life moves on there are signs which tell us, without any chance of doubt, that we are getting older, going downhill, coming off the final bend or generally ready to turn off the lights, lock the door and depart gracefully. What is/are your particular tell-tale symptoms?
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Your early life is recorded in Shakespeare's plays.
[Snodgrass] It wasn't you, then, prior to posting the first move?
You turn to the "Birth's, Marriages and Deaths" column in the local newspaper before reading anything else, but don't know anyone in the "Birth's" or "Marriages" sections.
You listen to the wireless, play LPs on a gramophone, and drive a motor car.
"... you have such difficulty climbing out of chimney no. 372,797,742 that you decide to knock off early, you toss your sack into the nearest thrift store donation bin, and exhaust the evening on lap dances and cheap booze, while out on the curbside Rudolf et al. get gunned down in a driveby gangland shooting."
You don't find the previous posting terribly funny, really.
You let strangers into your house to check for an electricity leak
You're not sure how many children you have.
You need to write everything down or you'll forget.
You forget where you wrote everything down.
You have to visit Batman weekly in the Old Superheroes' Home
You have finally mastered your Indian guide's native tongue and discover `kemosabe' is "an Apache expression for a horse's rear end .
You no longer say "what did I come up here for?" because you simply cannot get up here any more. Not yet, boys and girls. :-)
You forget to read the piece of paper you wrote everything down on.
Upon investigating why your hearing aid doesn't work you remove it from your ear to discover it is not your hearing aid but a suppository and you ask yourself: "Now what do you suppose I've done with my hearing aid?"
How do I get onto the internet? Can any one email me the answer? My adress is 34 Walkers Rd. Harrogate. HG1 4NJ in the UK ... Thank you ever so much.
[It's my bike] Your postcode is wrong. That's Swarcliffe Road. You can't get onto the internet from there. Walk around the corner into Knaresborough Road and catch the bus.
The amount of exercise you're fit enough to do is no longer enough to maintain your fitness.
You find your first grey pube. [Raak: Henry Ford said "Exercise is bunk; if you're fit, you don't need it and if you're not, you shouldn't attempt it".]
You can name ALL the artists who FIRST recorded every single record in this week's Top 40, and cannot understand why people dance to these 40 ghastly remakes. And of course your children, being "too bloody young", can't even remember the forty artists who remixed them for LAST WEEK's Countdown.
You can't even remember what colour your pants where before they turned this attractive shade of grey.
You still think of Videos as "New Fangled Technology", while DVDs are "Witchcraft and Heresy".
You actually think OTHER PEOPLE understand what "Fangling" is, and have ever used the word since 1951.
you'll describe a Gay TV Presenter, such as Graham Norton or Dale Winton, as "that nice young man," and consider it, "a shame he's not found the right woman."
at weddings, you'll say to young spinsters, "I expect it'll be you next."
at funerals, THEY say that to you.
They open the carton and pour you down the drain.
You think CAMREC are a bunch of anarchists.
You dial 911 and greet the dispatcher with "I've fallen and I can't get up."
You dial 911.
Your neighbours only realise that they haven't seen you for a while when maggots start crawling out of your letterbox
When your grandchildren have to potty-train you.
You start shopping around for spare parts.
You have a box in your garage in which you can find anything to fix something
You spend most of every morning getting out of bed and fit to face the world.
You think this game is fast-moving
You've already thought of half of the moves in this game before they were posted [st d - try killing it and see what happens; it's the game that won't die!]
You spend your days looking for bargains on discounted coffins on e-bay.
You and your 55-year old grandson sit down and swap stories on 'the good old days
Your contemporaries have become High Court Judges.
Your waistline has crept up to within centimeters of your nipples. [Meanwhile laughter erupts in the Elysian Fields as St Peter demonstrates his signature wedgie to another school of cherubic recruits.]
There is a noise of hammering, then ray of sunlight appears. A silhouetted figure comes into sight whom you later discover to be Howard Carter.
Your breakfast is mostly tablets
You to Mick Jagger as "that young whippersnapper".
should have read You refer to Mick Jagger as "that young whippersnapper".
It's more than five seconds between you getting to your feet and starting to walk off
Your compatriots who referred to you as "Hop-along-Cassidy" now call you "Hobble-along-Cassidy.
Your wee (urine) begins to smell like a bowl of sugar puffs!!!
Your wee is too wee to smell like anything.
You are mercifully spared from toothaches, having no teeth left to ache.
You realise that, when he/she says "Shall we go upstairs and have sex?", you'll only be able to manage one or the other.
Your damn hearing aid sucks, so that when he/she says "Shall we go upstairs and have sex?" you hear "Do you know where the heck are my specs?", to which you reply "No, dear".
You can't fine the stairs to your bed room even though you have lived in a ground floor flat for the last 40 years!
You can't tell whether it's your knees or the stairs that are creaking.
The Sexpistols and The Buzzcocks are getting played on Radio 4!!!!
You blame the viagra for your eyesight going.
You can't even remember what you're taking the Viagra for.
We're suspiciously good at this game, in my opinion.
[SM] We'll only get better at it too. I'm going to the garden centre today in my LUNCH HOUR ffs, to prepare the garden for my 40th party... yikes.
It doesn't help any more to ignore your round-numbered birthdays.
Your reflection in the mirror resembles the Plasticine (or Playdoh to the Yanks) human figures you made in Kindergaten class
"Whats that ye say, dearie........yes.....yessss......it is getting cold in here."
You stay up at night deciding whether you should talk about your lumbago or your arthritis with your friends at tomorrow's bridge game
Your back goes out more than you do. Ouch.
You stop feeling seventeen.
You stop feeling seventeen-year-olds. oblig
You stop feeling.
You stop and forget why you've stopped
Life in the slow lane seems pretty fast to you.
You realise you'll never do the things you always thought of trying some time.
You stop to think ... and forget to start again.
You think you had, but you hadn't
You die.
You look for the latest news of your friends in the death announcements column of the local paper.
You are surprised each morning not to find your own name in the obituary columns of the local newspaper
... it's all gone dark and quiet and cold. Or is that marriage?
Or even, ... its all gone dark and quiet and cold. Or is that marriage?
*shouts, screams, generally goes wild for rab*
Not only a completely unguessable winning move, but one with a apostrophical error. Grrr.
...you return to find that the game has ended.
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord