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So the Danish guy dies
help
Well, we've all seen those promising trailers that make the worst films seem like the next Oscar winner - how about writing a description that makes a classic sound absolutely dire? e.g. So there's this teenager and he hates his mother and his stepdad and there's loads of drugs and gore and they all die. Only better, hopefully. And without Mel Gibson.
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Chicago
Two murderesses battle it out to see who can most successfully trade off the stupidity of their home city. A number of innocent lives are ruined/lost on the way, half including the women, who get a brief comeuppance but then exploit murder together to find fame in a showstopping final number celebrating the fact that corruption pays. The only truly nice person dies halfway through the movie.
Passion of the Christ
Jesus bleeds. A lot. In aramaic, hebrew, and latin, with subtitles.
dirty dancing
Young american children dance in a slightly provocative fashion. In the end, no-one really minds. And their parents start doing it.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Remember that popular children's book it took Stephen Fry all Christmas Day to read on Radio 4? Well, we can do it in a millionth of the time with a whopping 2, 000 pence special effects budget. And some child actors.
Caligula
The (frequently naked) guy from Clockwork Orange shags everyone, including his sister (many times), Helen Mirren, and a hairy man. Like a Black Widow spider he then kills most of them and a large amount of passers-by and bystanders, and uses the word 'logical' a lot. Will Caligula get his comeuppance? Oh, graphically - now that's what we call poetic justice!
Cat People (the remake)
The (frequently topless) guy from Clockwork Orange follows his tedious sister around, trying to persuade her to shag him so that she won't turn into a vicious cat-like beast and claw to death whoever else she's shagging, the little minx. It's a remake.
Spiderman
There's this man, right, who's a bit like a spider, and he goes round acting like a man but has to hide the fact that he's a bit like a spider or the baddie (Willem Dafoe with a Gollum complex) will attack him on a motorised surfboard.
The Piano
A woman who doesn't speak spends an entire movie playing the piano and arguing with ugly people about other ugly people. At the end of the movie she throws away the piano.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Remember that popular children's book that Stephen Fry filled up 8 CDs reading? Well, we can do it in a billionth of the time with a whopping 2, 008 pence special effects budget. This time we have Christian Coulson.
The Never Ending Story
Approximately 94 minutes running time.
An American In Paris
Gene Kelly plays Jerry Mulligan, an American living in Paris.
The King and I
King of Siam and the governess of his children spend some time over 2 hours sexlessly bickering. Then he dies.
Anna and the King
Like the above movie, but without Yul Brynner, or any songs to take your mind off the fact that the King of Siam has hair.
Shaun of the Dead
The British are largely zombies for a while and the rest of them aren't and need to run away from them and/or hit them with sticks to avoid becoming a finger buffet. The affliction isn't explained, but looks gross. If you've never seen a man be pulled apart, whilst still alive, before your very eyes, why, now's your chance!
Speed
A disaster movie set on public transport.
Grease
Movie musical in which a young woman spends entire story steadfastly refusing to give into sexist pressures, and then does. Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta both star in skin-tight black clothing.
The Ladykillers (the original)
Alec Guinness and company fail to kill somebody.
The Ladykillers (the remake)
Tom Hanks and company fail to kill somebody. In incomprehensible accents.
The Meaning of Life
The Meaning of Life is not revealed satisfactorily. And you can't find the fish either. Lots of vomit.
E.T.
An alien comes to earth, but does no harm and returns home.
Lord of the Rings
There's this gold ring, lots of people after it,supurb battles,mega bucks scenery, some little people with hairy feet take charge, the ring is melted.
Batman
Completely out to lunch and thoroughly surreal; Dickie Bird is misrepresented as The Penguin, and I do not even begin to understand what Catwoman is all about; merely demonstrates beyond all shadow of doubt that Americans do not understand cricket at all.
The Singing Detective
An intriguing nineteen-forties thriller in which you never find out who killed the girl. Mixed in with some filler material about a sick author in hospital, although the period detail tends to lapse in these sequences.
Abigail's Party
Neither Abigail nor her party appears in this due to budget shortages.
Waiting for Godot
(actually, no, I shan't bother with this one, since a plain synopsis would do the job just as well).
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead
Another adaptation of Hamlet, but with crucial details cut out such that the story is very difficult to follow.
Oedipus Rex
A man loves his mother very much.
The complete works of Plato
Socrates annoys a lot of people and gets executed without ever finding a satisfactory definition of piety.
And I know that's a book - but how much worse would the film version be?
Jack and the Beanstalk... er... the movie
The hero, a failure, steals from, then murders a successful sky-dweller, motivated entirely by envy and sizeist prejudice.
Cinderella
Typical rags-to-riches plot, weakened by the unbeleivable glass slipper episode.
Superman
Incredibly, the entire movie contains not one single reference to Nietzsche.
Spaceballs
"Let's do Star Wars, with jokes! Or perhaps not."
The Merchant of Venice
Jews are bad. Transvestives are good. Meddling dead people know what's best for you.
Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy
The movie begins when the earth blows up, this is found to be insignificant.(I know that the movie is not out yet but hey)
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (TV version)
The plot is of the radio series is chopped up, rearranged and generally screwed around with. This is also found to be insignificant.
The Taming of the Shrew
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Yes!
Danny the Champion of the World
His father is a petty thief, and he learns petty theivery from him. No-one dies.
Citizen Cane
Rosebud was his sled.
Polar Express
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Indigo
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
What The Bleep
Turn off, tune out, stop thinking and believe.
Koyaanisqatsi
An exultant celebration of the peak of Western civilisation.
Mary Poppins
The singing nanny demonstrates a deft touch for childcare and gets off with the chimney-sweep.
The Sound of Music
The singing nanny demonstrates a deft touch for childcare and gets off with the baronet.
Alien 3
Sigourney Weaver gets a haircut, everyone runs about for a bit, then Sigourney Weaver dies. Warning: contains scenes involving Charles Dance.
Koyaanisqatsi
[With apologies to Raak] An exultant celebration of nature vv the pits of Western civilisation.
Koyaanisqatsi
[with apologies to Raak and Bob] A bunch of disjointed images with music to match.
The Naked Gun
Frank Drebin attempts to prevent the assassination of the Queen using all the skill, subtlety and ingenuity of the real-life police force. The main clue that it's a comedy is that he succeeds.
The Third Man
Black and white film, dodgy camera work, cheap backing music (a guy playing a zither - can you believe it?). Oh, and the leading man does't appear until an hour into the film. All the hallmarks of a cheap B-movie, I think you'll agree.
Apollo 13
Some astronauts don't die.
The Day After Tomorrow
It gets cold.
The Lost World (Conan Doyle, not Crichton)
Apparently it wasn't.
Mulholland Drive
Surrealism. Murder. Bare breasts.
Dad's Army (the movie)
A group of eccentric old men do considerable damage to the British war effort, but apparently make up for it by capturing a couple of German airmen at the end.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Two implausibly sunny children squeak incessantly while a mad inventor and the heiress to a sweet factory fall in love in a car which is half Bentley half umbrella.
Blade 1
Lots of vampires around lead by vampire with short-man-syndrome. Big show down with good guy with flashy sword, baddie goes pop like the weasle.
Blade 2
Lots more vampires now led by Emperor Palpatine. Lots of freaky GM vampies. Oddballs vampires join good guy, odd balls die one by one. Good guy falls in love with odd ball, shows her a sunrise - oops!
Blade 3 - Trinity
Even more vampires (really you'd think more than one person would have found out about them by now!) now led by some dim girl having a perpetual bad-hair-day - good a reason as any for wanting to kill people I guess. One whiney ex-vampire who thinks he's funny gets beaten up, good guy loses best friend, Dracula fails to find a shirt with buttons or contact lenses that stay in place. Upset by this he fights good guy, dies. Sun rises, lots of vampires turn to dust. Sales of dust-pans go up by 60%, duster making factory saved - all live happily ever after.
Lassie Come Home
She does.
Pi
nothing to do with 3.14, oddly.
Contact
Attempt to make contact with aliens leaves everything open-ended in the end with nothing but 18 minutes of blank video tape to show anything happened.
House of Flying Daggers
Closed due to Health and Safety concerns.
My Fair Lady
“In just a few weeks I can take this American cockney flower girl and make her talk like an American English duchess”.
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines
Lots of old aeroplanes set off to fly from London to Paris, most don’t get there.
Paint Your Wagon
“Man born under a wandering star and Man who talks to the trees seek Woman who wants to be a million miles away behind a door – object bigamy”.
Ben Hur

"BEN HUR - An incredibly long comedy - MUST BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED - CHARIOTS, HORSES, PEOPLE! The best three hour sleep you'll have in years"
The Railway Children
Rich man helps other rich man get out of prison allowing rich family to return to rich surroundings and away from commoners.
The Theban Trilogy
Bitter family feud + a spot of incest = everyone dies.
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