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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Good News
At least you didn't blow Morrisey. (comus] did I read that right?)
Bad News
But he did give you a copy of his next cd (Groan)
Good News
You now don't have to waste money on a coaster.
Bad News
You no longer have a mate like Morrissey to make you mugs of tea to stand on the coaster
Good News
Tea is bad for you anyway.
Bad News
You used to drink 20 mugs a day, and now you're getting severe withdrawal symptoms.
good news
Johnny Marr loves your sister and gives a ton of cocaine to Bermondsey
Bad News
You live in Llandudno
Good News
And so does Mrs Trellis, who reliably informs me that there is a thriving drugs scene in these ultra-respectable Welsh versions of the Costa Geriatrica.
Bad News
Unfortunately, you get swindled when you try to buy some E and then realise the old biddy actually sold you enalapril, an anti-hypertensive.
Good News
You crush it up and snort the lot and experience a massive wave of relief and joy as the tension oozes out of every pore.
Bad news
But then you collapse on the floor due to a massive hypotensive effect.
Good News
Lib is there watching you and rushes in to help with her trusty stethoscope !
Bad News
The floor is weakened by the rush of activity and opens up, you both fall, head first, deep down into the underworld.
Good News
It's remarkably similar to London, so you already know your way around.
Bad News
But the sulphurous fumes coupled with the fact that all the transport runs efficiently and on time, leaves you significantly disorientated.
Good News
You realise, after a while, that you are in Dnepopetrovsk, and vodka is very, very cheap.
Bad News
Vodka makes you come out in spots. All over.
Good News
Hot mud packs make one look much younger than one actually is and, as an added benefit, cure acne, red-eye and gout.
Bad News
But tastes bloody awful in vodka
Good News
The vodka company give you a lifetime's supply to compensate.
With that quantity of bad vodka, your lifetime is likely to be very short.
Er... that was me :-Q
Good News
Its Hot Mud that you have been given a lifetime's supply of.
Bad News
You haven't got much lifetime left.
Good News
Your place in Heaven has been assured.
Bad News
Through a clerical error, you are sent to spend eternity haunting Lancashire instead.
Good News
That's where the cleric who made the error lives.
Bad News
You have just realised that the clerical error means that you are now haunting Lancashire, when in fact the true depth of the error is that you never actually died yet.
Good News
That is not rigor mortis, its just a very serious hangover.
Bad News
You've actually been drinking methylated spirits.
Good News
It has cured you of your terrible haliotosis and sorted out your gum disease a treat.
Bad News
You now have 2 bellybuttons.
Good News
Your twin navels are a novel place to put those new earrings.
Bad News
Those earrings are miniature Teletubbies.
Good News
They're dead.
Bad News
Po is starting to get a bit whiffy.
Good News
Its attracting a vast amount of flies of varied species for your new insect collection!
Bad News
It makes people mistake you for Beelzebub.
Good News
Which is just as well because you are about to launch a devilish plan ...
Bad News
Michael Howard has beaten you to it.
Good News
You won't have to lead the Tory party after all....
Bad News
...because you'll be busy leading Labour...
Good News
Which is a good reason to move to and live in Canada...
Bad News
Canada is uncomfortably near the USA.
Good News
You love the USA !!
Bad News
You have to say that, the US Army has just abducted you to Guantanamo Bay.
Good News
The beaches there are marvellous.
Bad News
You're not going to be spending any time on them, are you?
You were going on a diet anyway.
that was me with a "tab" issue.
Good News
You were going on a diet anyway.
Bad News
It's the Atkins diet.
Good News
As a cannibal, this is your own version of the Atkins Diet. Once a week, you look up "Atkins" in the phone book, and the rest is self-explanatory.
Bad News
This is illegal, and they've just caught you at it.
Good News
Private Eye call it the Fatkins Diet.
Bad News
The Fatkin Diet is a genetic/hereditary problem.
Good News
You can blame it on your parents.
Bad News
My parents are aliens (shnoorb ack ack ack wibble)and only visit once every 100 years.
Good News
At least they don't visit any more frequently.
Bad News
But the next visit is tomorrow, and your in-laws are meeting them for the first time.
The will probably abduct your in-laws and take them back to the planet Zog for experimentation.
Good News
The will probably abduct your in-laws and take them back to the planet Zog for experimentation. Bugger, done it again!
Bad News
They'll be back.
Good News
They are bringing presents for everyone this time!
Bad News
You will be expected to show gratitude for some useless trinket.
Good News
You have earings that are made of the kind of organic matter which you do not need gratification for.
Bad News
Earwigs prefer earrings over earings. Regardless, they are rather pedantic individuals and do have a problem with their 'earing.
Good News
You like squashing earwigs
Bad News
Guess what you'll be coming back as in the next life?
Good News
As a football supporter, finding true fulfilment by chanting Earwig-o, earwig-o, earwi....
Bad News
My football team steadfastly follows the maxim "And pigs might fly" when it comes to winning - still, being bolt on trotters, it's to be expected. Lovely, Rosie, that brought out a large chuckle. Fortunately the better half is out shopping. :)
Good News
I shall stick equally steadfastly to my self-imposed prohibition against mentioning anything to do with my football team, except to say, contrary to what a historian might assume, that it is not located in a small village in North Yorkshire.
Bad News
Tectonics is an art, nay, a discipline, which is somewhat shifty.
Good News
You switch to Teutonics and start a career in world domination.
Bad News
The Rest of the free world spoil your party (and it takes the Italians a while to realize they are on the wrong side!)
Good Noose
A few are hanging from lampposts.
Bad News
They're doing pullups.
Good News
This gives them sexy strong shoulders!
Bad News
They don't believe you when you say that you've redefined "Master Race" to mean "people with sexy strong shoulders".
Good News
One in ten men do. Though not for the same reason as the other nine.
Bad News
You need these men to help propagate the new elite.
Bad News
But you're not.
Good News
Tony Blair has survived the rducation vote. Err, something wrong here? Ed.
Bad News
Tony Blair has survived the (e)ducation(?) vote.
Good news
The BBC is now creating its own news and cutting out the middle man.
Bad News
The middle man is cutting himself up
Good News
He's delicious with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Bad News
Unfortunately all you have is a bottle of meths.
Good News
Luckily, your murder rap for cutting out the middle man has been reduced to manslaughter.
Bad News
He was the brother of the Osama bin Laden.
Good News
You are Osama bin Laden.
Bad News
The entire free world are after you.
Good News
Isn't it grand to be so popular?!
Bad News
You're stuck in an 8ft snow drift
Good News
It gives you an excuse for mixing the order up!
Bad News
Not when it's your first day as a waiter at the Cannibals' Bistro, where customers are guaranteed "recompense" for bad service.
Good News
Being a leper, it's the only job you can get. You're so delighted to have it, you're giving away tips. COAT!
Bad news
You get sacked for some misdemeanour in the broom cupboard, you try to appeal but realise you haven't got a leg to stand on. [ penelope, please get my coat while your at it ]
Good News
The establishment have been taken over by MacDonalds.
Bad News
The establishment have been taken over by MacDonalds.
Good News
This isn't the same as McDonalds, the fast food retailer.
Bad News
...which means it gets burned down in a midnight raid by Clan Campbell, the hereditary enemies of Clan MacDonald ever since the days of the Glencoe Massacre.
Good News
Barbecue!
Bad News
You're not quite sure exactly what it is/was that you're barbecuing.
Good News
A fresh supply of veggie burgers have arrived.
bad news
Morrissey complains that these veggie burgers aren't fit for liberated lab mice
Good news
They are good enough for the vegetarians
Bad News
They consist mostly of beans, and the side-effects are horrendous.
Good News
I have patented a method of collecting flatulence.
Bad News
The follow through research leaves you in a sticky mess
Good News
If you're a vegetarian, it makes good fertiliser.
Bad News
The only plants that thrive on your human vegetarian ordure are the GM ones.
Good News
They make excellent conversationalists
Bad News
...but only in Cantonese
Good News
That means it's a great time to start learning a new language.
Bad News
The EU have declared that all EU residents must learn French.
Good News
Our food thus becomes much better.
Bad News
But our toilets will get worse.
Good News
We don't care, as we are all too busy making lurve and quoting poetry.
Bad News
... to ugly, hairy people who cannot speak properly.
Good News
I'm only two out of the above three.
Bad News
You're a mute.
Good News
No need to learn French, then.
Bad News
You get extra garlic rations to make up for it.
Good News
You're off to Transylvania next week, so the extra garlic will come in handy.
Bad News
Customs take it from you before entering the country.
Good News
They don't let you enter the country at all.
Bad News
They deport you to Afghanistan.
Good News
They let you go into Pakistan, where the locals are impressed by your cricketing expertise.
Bad News
You realise that cricket is the most tedious activity in the world, and face a hideous death from boredom.
Good News
You turn to meditation to escape boredom and find God (underneath a small rock). God tells you to start a new religion.
Bad News
You're still in Pakistan, and the locals are unimpressed by your choice of religion.
Good News
You soon talk them round to your way of thinking.
Bad News
Unfortunately, religion is not about thinking.
Good News
But all the atheists are to busy not thinking to notice anyway.
Bad News
They're too busy talking on their mobiles while driving (or not) on the M25/Parkway East/[insert your local static motorway here].
Good News
You call on God to smite all mobile phone users with ear-boils. He does! Your religion obtains 100 million new converts.
Bad News
They have all just been smitten ie they are dead.
Good News
They're actually all smitten with you. You're popular again!
Bad News
It's one of those religions where as the leader, after a night of hedonist splendour, you are sacrificed to ensure well-being in the coming year.
Good News
At least there will be well-being in the coming year.
Bad News
Not for you
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