...mobile phone accessory of some description, was very handy for scraping away at the walls to build my escape tunnel. I had just persuaded the warden to give me a really really big picture of Humphrey Lyttleton to cover my nascent tunnel when...
...Chutney Cheryl, the wing's chutney baron. "Come on, Trellis," she growled, "we're breaking out." Obviously, I didn't break out with Cheryl, but she wasn't too disappointed, because...
...me! My cunning plan had come to fruition! Also, I had put myself in a package disguised as a jar of Walnut & Grasshopper Chutney to be delivered "post-haste" (ha ha ha) to my erstwhile partner in crime. The first thing she said to me when she opened the package was...
...corpse of the real Berthold Brecht, whose coffin had been removed from Europe and interred in Britain years ago as part of a secret plot on the part of the...
...International Federation of Delicatessen Entomology (FIDE), who wished to obtain the secrets of his Hazelnut and Ladybird Chutney, and had stolen his coffin under the guise of chess grandmasters. Forced to swap my disguise of Brecht for that of...
... neat privet hedge, I successfully avoided detection and marched straight into the nearest toyshop to buy the new edition of 'Tabletop Twister' for Samantha, thus improving her chances of ...
..the wrapping paper department where I selected a nice silver paper with reindeer and holly. Then I realized that her birthday is in the summer, but I was too late as the paper department had closed. "More than my job's worth, ducks." said the manager. Now what...
...opening this tin of stirrup chutney boot polish, with the contents of which I shall cleverly disguise myself as a Victorian chimney-sweep, avoid capture and seek gainful employment in Melbourne. That reminds me: did I ever tell you about the time that I grabbed David Hockney by the......
...the the myriad of Christmas lights in the Cherry tree, I would have surely landed on their flasing Father Christmas. When I was back on the ground the householder introduced themselves as...
...Count Dracula, who immediately launched a lawsuit against him for stealing his idea. I never heard of the outcome; I supposed that they had settled out of court, but this was all inconsequential as I....
..Sadam Hussein on his way back to his bolt hole. "Hello," he said, "I am the president of Iraq, I am prepared to negotiate." I thought he looked a very nice man, although his beard was full of faeces and his breath smelt like a camel's. I stood on his shoulders and just able to reach a...
..ladder to the surface, I realised there were a cluster of American gentlemen above me, brandishing weapons. Realising that publicly humiliating the American military, though not difficult, would earn me instant worldwide fame, I naturally told them I was Saddam, to which they...