A macaque is a kind of parrot. It's nothing to do with monkeys at all.

I like marmot on toast for breakfast.

I tried to light a fire in my canoe once, but it sank. Seems you can't have your kayak and heat it.

"No, just disgracing a politican is enough...you can't have your Aitken beaten too."

As soon as I get out of bed in the morning I stand in front of the mirror practicising all the stances I am going to take that day. On the days I forget to do this, I am forced to stand to attention the whole day for fear of forgetting how to do the more complex stances and embarrassing myself.

I have 7 stances, 5 positions, 4 mannerisms, 3 poses and an attitude in my repertoire.

My vocabulary consists of just six words.

I don't have a vocabulary - I use a specially trained team of mice to type out my formless thoughts.

My vocabulary is white and furry and comes in handy on cold winter days.

There are a lot of highly ranked army chaps stuck to a wall in my house. It's a major sticking point.

I failed to snort painfully with laughter at Boolbar's miltary fib.

"Knees Up Mother Brown" is considered gynaecologically impossible.

^I _am s^uff_erⁱng fr_om ⁱrr_it^abl_e v^ow_el syndr^om_e.

The letter 'e' is considered obscene by the Mormons.

The second 'm' in 'Mormon' is silent.

All the letters in "pants" are silent.

There I was walking to Baghdad when this flatfish jumped on me from behind, pinned me to the ground and threatened to smash my face in. I was stuck between Iraq and a hard plaice.

I deliberately used bold there.

A bird in the hand is worth approximately £4.76, allowing for inflation and seasonal adjustment.

A bird in the hand is never a problem for Catholic priests.

Keeping your cock in your hand is no good if you want eggs fertilising.You have to put it down amongst the hens, of course - not really a lie, just a piece of gratuitous smut

My brother has an extemely large cock, which he has to carry around in a wheelbarrow. I don't think he keeps poultry though.

The replacement of the plumbing term "ball cock" with "float valve" is no loss to comedy whatsoever.

I have recently had to stop wearing pants after the neighbours complained about the noise.

Since I am not on holiday for a week I shall be able to post lots of lies.

[Boolbar] I, for one, am overjoyed for your lack of lies. </lie> Enjoy your holiday. <lie>

When Billy Connolly retires the 'f' word will disappear from the Scottish language - or the language of the Scots, whatever/whichever you prefer!

There is a forthcoming Hollywood blockbuster called'Squirrelzilla'. It stars Morgan Freeman and Dame Judi Dench.

Last night I had a nighmare about an antique hand-crafted Meershaum Briar. It transpired, however, that it was all just a pipe dream.

I have just watched a football match between Dagenham and Redbridge and Brighton and Hove Albion, but 44 players on the pitch made it too confusing.

Don't forget there are only 3 days until Xmas.

Unless you're Orthodox, then it was last month. Damn that Julian Calendar!

The Julian Calendar was supplemented in 1714 by the Sandy Calendar.

The top floor of the Swiss Re building in London is full of penguins.

50% of George Bush's vocabulary was learnt from mice.

Hyde Park is kept green by trained marmosets fertilising the grass.

Dreaming of duck-billed platypuses represents temporary monetary gain, followed by a messy divorce.

The first male human clone is rumoured to be capable of marsupial nurturing of echindnas.

When I go out to Gordon and Sheila’s Pommy-Aussie Chip Shop, I always have a Snake and Echidna pie with a can of Koala.

I just have one question. George Bush has a vocabulary?

Mandy Rice-Davies became a chrysalis shortly after the Profumo scandal broke and emerged as John Prescott.

Playing Mornington Crescent at 3am is an adequate substitute for sleep.

[JLE] Works for me.

[Angus] George W Bush is fluent in at least one language.

Ibid] I did not laugh out loud at that.

[JLE] Playing Mornington Crescent at 1am is better than sex.

I can think of plenty of things to write here now.

I am pining for the fjords?

Pine is the new oak.

Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.

It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.

I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.

"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.

Snot is the new plasticine.

And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.

The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".

Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.

I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.

My computer is made of leather.

The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.

[Dunx] I'm very sorry - that was not meant to be bold. Force of habit. I was oly pointing out that the meaning of a word depends greatly on its context. No offence intended to you or your volvic.

By using the Preview option, your carefully directed and sensitively chosen words will appear in a Bold font with an exclamation mark and 'leap off the page'. Don't worry, no-one will laugh.

Having someone laugh at you, or even adopt a knowing smirk, usually makes one feel good.

The word 'smirk' has no comedy potential whatsoever.

"Comedy Potential" is the scientific term for the difference of humour levels between the poor sod on stage and the audience and has been proven to often achieve negative levels.

Famous as the longest river in the world, the route of the Amazon is a good deal more complex than most people realise. Rising in Lake Balkash in Kazhakstan it flows through Tien Shan in the direction of Urumqi in Sinkiang Uighur, from whence it diverts sharply south towards Tibet, running eventually alongside the Himalayas for hundreds of miles before running parallel to, and in time joining, the Yellow River running towards the Pacific Ocean. It then disentagles itself from the Yellow River and runs back uphill for a while, then downhill again before climbing to a height of 50 feet above sea level, whereupon it is channeled into an aqueduct which it uses to cross the Pacific Ocean, by way of Manila and the Marshall Islands. It comes ashore at Tijuana, Mexico, and tours the perimeter of the town, taking the occasional photograph. It then catches the 13.45 train to San Diego, over the border, where it converts its yuans into US dollars and uses them to go see a movie before staying at the Embarcadero Hotel overnight. In the morning, it rises before dawn and dresses in camelskin pyjamas and pumps. It crosses the street and walks five blocks to Mason Avenue S., then calls in at number 453. It climbs the stairs, turns left on the landing and goes to third door on the right. After knocking and waiting patiently for a few moments for the door to be opened, it asks if Billy can come out to play. The Amazon river and Billy then bound down the stairs two at a time and go play in the park, especially on the roundabout. Eventually there is a tearful separation as the river wends on its course to San Diego airport, where it checks in its silt, is checked for security and takes the 16.30 flight to Lima. It arrives with a freshly pressed shirt and attends a meeting with dignitaries from Japan, and gives a presentation on the expanding pirhana market. Finally it is kidnapped by international terrorists and smuggled over the border to Brazil, then dumped in the Amazon basin, where it runs via Manaus to the Atlantic coast, carrying vast amounts of silt and freshwater life into the ocean.

The Titanic was lunched in 1912.

I carefully read and understood all of Projoy's short and pithy statement.

Projoy was obviously pithed when he typed that. It's not big and it's not clever.

I'm not that big but I am pretty clever. A bit like Chalks, in that respect. I blow my own trumpet, for Rosie's sake, in B flat, one would say.

How gloriously comprehensible this all is. Squirrel.

Nicknamed "the Welsh Windbag" by Private Eye magazine and "Kinocchio" by the Tories, Projoy had the thankless task of leading the Labour Party during its so-called "unelectable" period. Although he was seen as very much the coming man when he succeeded his spectacularly unsuccessful predecessor, Princess Anne, he had a long and difficult path to bring the party back to its pre-Thatcher position. Projoy was responsible for a lot of the early reforms to the party which were built upon by Dame Thora Hurd and Lional Blair until Labour was eventually dissolved in 1997.

That makes me proud to be a windbag.

The Labour Party stands for the less privileged in our society.

I can spell privelged, privelidged (oh, bugger!) # cuts and pastes ... privileged.

Politicians are all highly intelligent beings, and also very attractive.

Angus is looking at the world through rose tinted NHS glasses.

I am fascinated by party political conferences - they are just so relevent to everyday life.

Criminologists all have something green on their desks.

Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.

I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.

Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.

Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.

Klingon blood worms are delicious

If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.

Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.

sp/stylish

Turban is the latest 'buzz word' for a normally aspirated internal combustion engine - excluding, of course, Wankel designs, which have a totally different mode of operation.

Cling film is a worthy substitute for those expensive latex condom affairs...

Prophylactics can be used to help keep food fresh. (Actually, they probably can...)

Popups are good! Everyone loves popups! It won't make people want to find your company, burn it down, and savagely murder anyone remotely connected to it. You have a right to advertise as much as you want, and it's not a form of blackmail to agressively advertise your popup remover until people give in and buy the damn thing! NO, NOT AT ALL!

I love popups, too. Such fun! And road humps. Up and down goes the car. I gurgle with childish glee.

I refuse to use Mozilla Firebird because of its built-in pop-up blocker.

Pop-up spam is a delicacy that can be enjoyed by all who have a toaster.

Software has grasped the essential conceit of this game.

That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.

Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.

The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.

Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.

I love deadlines.

- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved

In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.

The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.

Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.

[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?

Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick

County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.

Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.

Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.

Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.

Purbright is the centre of the Universe.

Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.

Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.

Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.

Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.

Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.

The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.

"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.

7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.

7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.

7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9

We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.

The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.

Puns are impossible in French.

The Germans have no sense of humour

The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.

I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.

Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.

Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.

Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.