As a master of disguise, I have enjoyed a long career in the movies. I began in 1964 as Dick van Dyke's bamboo stick in 'Mary Poppins'. I then went on to play other classic roles: John Voight's hat in 'Midnight Cowboy', Clint Eastwood's shoulder holster in all five 'Dirty Harry' movies, Chewbacca's ammunition belt in the first 'Star Wars' film, Indiana Jones' bullwhip in 'The Last Crusade', Bruce Willis' vest in the first two 'Die Hard' films and the iceberg in 'Titanic'. More recently I have played Aragorn's left boot in the 'Lord of the Rings' trilogy.
The Welsh are famous for the manufacture of "slate". They dug huge quarries and pits to keep the whales in so as to make slate production much easier.....oops time for my medication................
Herman vonstankwurg invented the nodding donkey in 1843. He found by attaching a small pump to the muzzle of a donkey that he was able to pump up to 3 barrels of oil a day..........
Robert (Bob) Fenwick of Little Oulton invented Cor Blimey Trousers as an aid to ice skating in 1832. The trousers contain an inflation device made from a pigs bladder and a length of red rubber hose. If the unlucky skater should fall on the ice the trousers would inflate thus providing a soft cushion and saving the said skater form injury. They were often woven with brightly coloured stripes (aka clown pants).The name was derived from the often mutterd calls of onlookers seeing the trousers in operating mode!!
The only surviving pair of said cor blimey trousers belong to Laurence Llewelyn Bowen. He bought them from Jonathon Ross, who inherited them from Barbara Cartland.
Barbara Cartland was Bob Fenwick's housekeeper from 1829 to 1856, when she was sacked for stealing the family silver which she sold to to fuel her Opium habit.
She later became an opium dealer and had a number of famous clients, including Sherlock Holmes. She supplied him without charge after he solved a little problem she had, as recounted by Dr Watson in "The Wrinkled Lady's Cat"
The phrase/word/acronym 'OK' (sometimes expressed as "Okay") comes from the Middle English repsonse to local woodchoppers enquiring of the squire "Is it permissible to chop down the stand of trees in the bottom forty?" and subsequently receiving the response, "If it's oak, aye".
For breakfast this morning I had lightly toasted antelope buttocks spread with butter made from the milk of the Indonesian pigmy elephants, all washed down with a glass of freshly squeezed kitten juice.
Saddam Hussein was recently given a colonic irrigation. The old-school members of the US Dept. of Defense still cling to the ideaology that "The enema of our enemy is our friend".
Durham cricketers Graham Onions and Philip Mustard are forming a rock band called "The Condiments". Early reviews claim that listening to them is "like wearing a mentholated prophylactic".
Actually, Harris and Nader have only pursued seperate careers since the breakup of their soft roots-rock due Rolf 'n' Ralph in the late 1970s. They never really survived the ill-advised decision to go electric.
Mentholated prophylactic was going to be the name of my bands first album but we were persuaded not to use that title by our PR team, who chose the title Dreams of Pain! Needless to say we only sold 3 copies and now make a living writing jingles for Radio Omsk..........
Alvin Toffler is about to release a new book. In a change of direction he has penned the tome as advice to those Germans who are considering starting a vineyard from scratch. It will be called "Future Hock"
MRSA makes a great sandwich filling and is freely available both in the community and in hospital. Its a much tastier treat than Sudamonas and smells less too!
"Forgive me Madam, but i must refute the assumption that i was ogling you. It is a guarded secret that i possess x-ray vision in my lazy eye and being a man of secular science devoted to the fairer sex i was alarmed at a small malignancy within your upper torso, although it turns out it was the second button of your blouse. Rest assured, the low level of radiation you were exposed to by my roving orb is well below the accepted standards and, aside from a momentary flush of color to your epidermal layer, it is essentially harmless provided you quickly drink this glass of elixir i have summoned from yonder bartender."