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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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Half a dipthong is a pthong, which I have written a song about under the pseudonym Psisqo.
I once mistook a Mexican standoff with a Mexican standup and laughed and laughed...
Thos .... I expect you're quite dead now.
It is tomorrow.
Salads aren't.
Dalmatians are forever.
Forever is an awfully short time.
Ostriches aren't funny.
Ostriches are funny.
I am not out to confuse.
Life is good
No it's not.
Children are gifts from God, and trail clouds of glory in their wake.
I woke up this morning with a severe attack of jelly-bones.
"Jelly Bones" is Geri Halliwell's latest hit.
It is a guaranteed number one. (If not, it is definitely number two material)
There is nothing good about basil.
I was not shocked at the longevity of an argument between two of my colleagues about the relative merits of rosemary and basil. It did not last for the best part of a year, though by the end it had not just degenerated to shouting the names of the two herbs across rooms.
< / l i e > [Tuj] Seriously? Did anyone win? < l i e >
I had a horrible shock last night when I accidentally got into bed with Servalan from Blake's Seven.
I am Servalan from Blake's Seven. So did I.
ZK] Well, the former colleague became a doctor in Bath and discovered a cure-all stronger than panacea made from Rosemary, whereas the latter is now Bicycle Repair Man, so take your pick!
I pick the Bicycle Repair Man! (did anyone else watch Goodness Gracious Me? :))
I do not believe in the therapeutic powers of a good girlie movie, a best friend and two pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
I visit this site regularly
I hate Ben and Jerry's
My back is fully functioning and I am not the least bit worried about my ability to partake in Pantomime next week.
Nor am I worried about your ability to participate in said pantomime. Nor, indeed, have I ever performed in a pantomime, let alone one with a terrifyingly short amount of time remaining and a hideously underprepared cast.
I am Blake from Blake's 7. All my sets are perfectly stable thank you very much.
I am Blake's 7 of 9 from a tragic sci-fi crossover.
I am 7 of K9, an even more ill-advised sci-fi crossover.
[BM] You are Marvin Martian and I claim my €5.
The Mars Rovers are designed to look for oil. When found, President Dubya will declare war on the Martians to remove their madman...uh...madthing...uh...wutever...dictator.
Actually, the Mars Rovers are a small football club from north of Pittsburgh.
And I travel through time in the Tripodis, fighting triffids and tribbles, from the most ill advised sci-fi crossover/conglomeration ever.
With the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates all playing exceptionally well over the past year, there has been absolutely no local coverage of the Pitt Panthers' basketball team lately. Just as well; they've lost all-but-two games.
[Thos] You are Tom Baker and I claim my ¥5.
Asparagus doesn't.
My taste in music is not ridiculed by the rest of my generation, or, indeed, the generation before me or the one after me.
[ZK] I have no idea what you mean.
I am known by all those around me as the "typical student/teenager."
Whenever I bare my teeth, they get all embarrassed and try to hide behind my tonsils.
I grow enormous petit pois.
The adjectival phrase "lip-smacking" is to be banned on the grounds that it encourages lip abuse.
Nature has yet to determine its emotional response to my personal vacuum.
Petit pois are a euphemism in Brazil.
I have a pet worm, and I have named him Willy. I often stretch my Willy between two lamp-posts when the wind is blowing strongly. When the wind hits the right resonant frequency, my Willy starts to vibrate, creating a tuneful humming noise that can be heard for miles around. My worm is safely at home whenever I do this.
[Btd] That was the most boring, unfunny post I've read in months. Don't ever come in this room again.
In Spain there is a Juan born every minute.
Thos] Rubbish.
Two-fofths of me is unsure what the rest is doing. I sleep in a hutch.
I am my own maternal grandmother.
"At-choo!" means "Suck me, Titus" in Mediaeval French.
My legs have recently declared themselves independent and are now host to a UN peacekeeping force
Frosties are coated in cocaine.
There are absolutely no problems with our pantomime.
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
ZK never, ever, eats Frosties.
[ZK] You are Angus Deayton and I claim my 5¢
Snowmen keep the world spinning because they all breath out in the same direction.
When you lean over and peer between your legs west becomes east.
The centre of Earth is comprised of compressed yeast. This is where life originated.
Back flips will damage your health. Ask any politician.
The monarchy of any country guides its citizens with care, understanding and, above all, leadership by example.
Tyrants are good, monopolies are better.
Flying the Jolly Roger shows that you are a fine person - anorexia sufferer or otherwise.
Laotropic means left of the Equater. But surely it depends on which way your facing at the time???
Manx cats have not tails but tell great stories!
Ironically bungalows have no storeys, but are some of the worst raconteurs known to achitecture. Apparently their delivery is too flat and they are prone to stairing.
I once shared my Frosties with Angus Deayton, which was a very peculiar experience. All I remember of it now is the sudden appearance of Tom Parker-Bowles wearing nothing but an iguana, which promptly had its head eaten off by Ozzy Osbourne. All parties concerned have reliably informed me this was true, even the iguana. I found that just plain confusing.
Iguanas are often mistaken for small children and adopted by childless couples in Guam.
So was I, once.
I invented the letter X. I had some help from Al Gore, but he could only come up with the letter Z. Meanwhile, the Republicans invented W.
The parcel shelf in John Prescott's 2nd Jag is made from strips of human skin flayed from Peter Mandelson's back using a steel whip.
I invented the letter ð, but only the Icelanders were brave enough to use it.
Dutch was invented by an Austrian chef with a severe head-cold.
I recently bent a barman's ear but a panel beater has sorted all that out.
Bent barman's ears are an aphrodisiac, recently popularised by Sex In The City.
I did not go to bed at seven PM yester eve because a good book and a lie down was more attractive than the pap being served up on 'the box'.
Yesterday, I went to bed at a reasonable hour.
Beds are sinful.
Sins aren't bedful.
I have, for the last umpteen years, been trying to find what I like in bedding.
I do not mind that I appear to be the only person on the internet at this hour.
There is no delight in saying words such as 'icky', 'blancmange', 'feeble' or 'aardvark'.
[ZK] Nor "Wankel Rotary Engine".
Just for that, I'm gonna burn your house down.
When the first man climbed K2, he was somewhat annoyed to find a box on the summit containing some false eyelashes, a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover and a courgette.
< /lie>Apparantly, due to a miscalculation, K2 is taller than Everest. This has been strongly denied by the Nepalese, who would lose out on tourist revenue if it proved to be true.< lie>
The Great Wall of China is the only place on Earth where you can see the moon.
Inspiration is a process that can only be achieved in the presence of a satsuma, a bicycle chain and four turtle doves.
Croup can be cured by Whooping Cough.
Herring can also be cured by whooping cough.
K2 is short for Knightrider, the second series as David Hasselhoff is massively popular in alpine populations.[/lie]So, will K2 get a proper name sometime?[lie]
contary to popular belief, the good people of Chipping Sodbury do not use their anal tracts to carry gravel!!
Its true I am lysdexic
Chipping Sodbury's name is in no way humourous. Especially to Spevrend Rooner.
I have never wondered how on Earth Ramsbottom got its name.
I have often wondered how to tie my shoelaces while in Ramsbottom.
Being rude, crude and vulgar is not a trait of MC posters.
I'm really happy that I just spent forty minutes filling in an online form, only to be told that my session had expired and that all my answers were then thrown away.
In a departure from normal tradition, I am having my ashes cast into the winds from the peak of Cader Idris prior to being cremated.
Ludwig van Beethoven suffered from a particularly bad case of gall stones, brought about by his habit of consuming a whole rockery each lunchtime.
This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect. This lie is brought to you in stereoscope. View it through the special glasses and it will take on a 3-D aspect.
(Repetition commands aspect.)
Due to an obscure clause in extant colonial law, my aunt is giong to be buried in clarified butter.
My Aunt's name is "Pat".
Itis forbidden to scintillate in a built up area on a Monday, provided there are three churches of separate denominations within a radius of 100 furlongs.
Since the late 1960s, many people have preferred the fidelity of stereosodium glutamate.
[Thos] I know I do.
Hitting my sisters and going "Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother (etc)" in a high-pitched Hampstead squeak brings me no joy in life.
monosodium glutamate hasn't.
Have you ever wondered what your guinea pigs do while you are away at work? Ruth Maddock has the answer!
There are only about three hundred authentic humans left on the planet. All the others are actually aliens pretending to be human, each of whom thinks they're the only one. That's the trouble with tourists, they destroy everything they touch.
Damn you, Gnnxgu!
Tragically, King Midas was actually allergic to gold.
As this is post number 3,594,588,409,425, I qualify for a free choice from the sweet-trolley and the undivided attention of Natalie Imbruglia.
Natalie Imbruglia recently married Des Lynam.
It is not galling to risk life and limb in the middle of the night by walking through Birmingham to buy fruit and finding on arrival that the 24-hour Tesco Express is closed for renovation. Oh no. When one is having a fruit crisis, this is very amusing, in fact.
I got it wrong - my previous post was number 3,594,588,409,422. I'd included two impostors and a simulpost. This is post 3,594,588,409,425, but as I've posted twice in the last four moves it means I only qualify for a bag of pork scratchings and a rub-down by Phil Jupitus in dress.
[Btd] I'd like to see that.
I wear Gor'blimey trousers and live in a council flat.
Gor'blimey trousers are made of lime.
Gor'blimey running shorts are made of quicklime.
Gor'blimey plumbers overalls are made of limescale.
Limes can not only be grown in the underpants and all down the legs, as is traditional, but also in the armpits and, if you're careful, between the teeth.
You can shave with the pith of a lime.
Lyme Regis is the only town to have erected over 17 statues of Marianne Faithfull. These are all in the town centre facing North. Barnsley has 13 statues of her, and is applying for European Funding in order to build another 10 in order to take the title "Most Faithfull Town In Britain".
Waxworks suffer very badly from runny noses in the Summer.
It is possible to recreate the Boer War with just a syringe and a pair of j-cloths.
If you can catch a ball with one hand, the chances are you can also compose The Messiah.
Your success at weight loss is inversely proportional to the number of yellow things in your house.
If everybody pointed at their location on a map simultaneously, the whole world would explode.
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