I am devastated that tuition fees are being implemented following my departure from university. < / lie > (Well I kinda should be, I've got 2 younger sisters to go yet) < l i e >
Lemon trees are part of an extraterrestrial race that came to earth in search of water. Unfortunately they weren't banking on the human race finding squeezing their reproductive organs and adding sugar quite so tasty. After a long conference on the Moon they decided that it was a necessary sacrifice if it ensured the contribution that Men bring to the survival of their kind in effortless replanting, watering, feeding etc on their part. Every once in a while one of them will get a little rebellious and dig up somebody's garden.
There is also no chance at all that the last received signals from it are weak on account of the fact that one of the Martians is using its power supply to charge his moible phone.
The Universe is no more than twelve days old, according to new results from the University of Pontefract. However, some scepticism has been expressed about these findings since they are based on measurements from instruments made entirely of licorice.
The name "Keith" means "holy bearer of fruit gums" in no fewer than forty three and a half of the world's languages. Maggie Philbin was said to be "unsurprised".
Chupa Chups were discovered in a secret temple in the jungles of Borneo and were a gift from visiting interstellar mongoose people. Only the quince Chupa Chup is native to the Earth, but it has been extinct for many years.
"The worm has turned" is a reference to mediæval pornographic literature in which... well, suffice it to say that the word "worm" should not be taken literally.
"The tern has wormed" is an extract from an ancient Egyptian sourcebook of vetinary science and ornithology, although everyone is very confused as to whether this was a particularly clever bird in question or if it is just a mistranslation.
Irish bars in New York, in an effort to dispel the common American stereotype that all Irishmen are consistently drunk, have all sold out to Starbucks.
St Patrick did not chase all the snakes from Ireland. He missed four of them who were hiding in a gooseberry bush. They have been breeding ever since, and now form an army 30,000 which is preparing to take over, just as soon as they can figure out how to work an Uzi with no opposable thumb.
The good Rev. once attempted to find his (snake) in order that it might act as an interpreter. This was unsuccessful as it seemed to have p****d off. ... I know, I know .... coat!
Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.
Marie Curie invented Friday in the 1800's. Since then all books, diaries etc have been altered to cover this and make it look like there was always a Friday.
I have no objections to spending many many hours preparing my work for university over the weekend, coming back and realising I've left the bulk of it at home. Oh no. I find it highly amusing and intend to tell everyone what a laugh riot it was when I found out, and what a good mood I'm in now.
Janet Jackson's latest behaviour is a shining example of freedom of expression and is the best possible thing she could have done for her family's profile at the present time.
< / l i e > [ZK] That's the last time I go near any ducks! Are you sure about the bazookas?< l i e > "And" is the longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary.
The "faceplant" is so named for the nice leafy patterns which the first plantee, a Mr Roger "Big Air" Turnbull, received on his forehead after landing rather forcefully in a gravel patch to the side of the downhill trail section he was riding on at the time (although perhaps "on" is not precisely the right word). This is fortunate, since Mr Air's colleague, a Ms Katherine "Radikal K" Foster landed in the same patch of gravel mere moments later and ended up with an intricate engraving of two dogs, ahem, fighting on her cheek.
I was not shocked at the longevity of an argument between two of my colleagues about the relative merits of rosemary and basil. It did not last for the best part of a year, though by the end it had not just degenerated to shouting the names of the two herbs across rooms.
ZK] Well, the former colleague became a doctor in Bath and discovered a cure-all stronger than panacea made from Rosemary, whereas the latter is now Bicycle Repair Man, so take your pick!
Nor am I worried about your ability to participate in said pantomime. Nor, indeed, have I ever performed in a pantomime, let alone one with a terrifyingly short amount of time remaining and a hideously underprepared cast.
The Mars Rovers are designed to look for oil. When found, President Dubya will declare war on the Martians to remove their madman...uh...madthing...uh...wutever...dictator.
With the Steelers, Penguins, and Pirates all playing exceptionally well over the past year, there has been absolutely no local coverage of the Pitt Panthers' basketball team lately. Just as well; they've lost all-but-two games.
I have a pet worm, and I have named him Willy. I often stretch my Willy between two lamp-posts when the wind is blowing strongly. When the wind hits the right resonant frequency, my Willy starts to vibrate, creating a tuneful humming noise that can be heard for miles around. My worm is safely at home whenever I do this.